Merry Goopness, Gwyneth Paltrow

Yesterday's virtual window shopping stroll was through the Neiman-Marcus Fantasy Gifts catalogue. Today, I thought we'd tone it down, cost-wise, but still keep it in the realm of the outré, by poking around on Gwyneth Paltrow's site, Goop.  So much to look at, so much to chortle over. But I have restrained myself to picking just one favorite from each of her Gift Guides.

Wellness  There are dozens of tantalizing items in this guide, but I'm going with the set of five pre-rolled cones for only $19. According to Goop, "to be blunt, these are the best cones on the market." To be blunt, who even knew there was such a thing as a "pre-rolled cone"? Back in the day, if you couldn't roll 'em in a Zig Zag paper, you bought a pack of unfiltered cigarettes, wiggled the tobacco out of a cig, and stuffed it with pot. 

Lovers Lots of X-rated unmentionables in here. (Okay, so I'll mention some: vibrators, undies, bras.) And some of the usual suspects: wine, flowers. I was going to go with the holistic relationship and sex coaching. Or the rose garden coaching. But in the spirit of the season, I went with the $90 red bow. You put it on our head - presumably when you have nothing much more on than the Goop bustier and garter belt - and, voila, you're the gift.

Men Heavy on the booze-, red meat-, and electronics-related. You know. Manly stuff for manly men. Well, I'm not a man, manly or otherwise. And, sadly, I don't have a man, manly or otherwise. But given that Gwyneth is getting into bitcoin, how about the Gemini crypto card that lets you earn crypto rewards instead of boring old points. You can't actually get the card quite yet. But Gwyneth invites men giftees to get on the waitlist. After all, as we're told, "the future is now." (The future is now? Is that even possible? Maybe in Goop-ville.)

Travelers Sure, there were plenty of trips on there that I'd like to take, but my eye was drawn to the lovely pink watch cap, or, as it is now known, beanie. It's only $395. And if I really felt like traveling, I'd spring for the matching crewneck sweater for $895. But then I remembered being on a flight to Paris, years ago. And reading the Air France inflight rag. An article on how to spot an American tourist. Unlike chic Parisian women, in navy, ecru, and black, Americans would be wearing pink or turquoise. Hmmm. I had on a pink sweater, and the other sweater in my luggage was turquoise. 

Forward-to-Your-SO I was ruing the fact that I don't have an SO to forward anything to, but then found that the gifts were only for forwarding to your SO if your SO were female. My favorite item in this catalog? $400 cashmere bloomers. Seriously, Gwyneth, what SO would want these? 

The Under-$100 Gift Guide Under $100? Now you're talking. I was a bit tempted by the $25 Wisdom Club that lets you know what's in the stars for you in 2022. Then I saw it was monthly. Which adds up to a lot more than Under-$100. It probably works like those ads for the car leases for the car with the red bow on it. Maybe your SO pays the first month, and you're stuck with the rest. So I'm going with the $60 Churro Fiesta-in-a-Box. Yummers.

Cooks I already have an electric kettle, which I use all the time. Thus I don't really need the Stagg EKG Electric Kettle for $169. Still, it would have been my pick from this guide if I hadn't seen the frozen coffee pods from Cometeer for only $64. Cometeer is a local "coffee tech" startup, which I blogged about a couple of months ago. And now they've made it big enough that Goop is showcasing their product. Gwyneth and I both apparently have an eye for a promising up and comer. Way to go, Cometeer.

Kids Lots of adorbs baby stuff in here. I have an adorbs baby to buy for coming up in another couple of weeks, but I was thinking more along my usual lines: books and, ah, books, and, em, books. But I do need to ask a question. Who in their right mind would pay $240 for seven pairs of baby socks, even if they are from Hermès? 

Hosts Some standard upscale host/hostess gifts in this guide, but would it ever occur to you to bring a pair of $198 men's pajamas as a gift for your host. Unless you had something in mind...The strangest gift on this list, IMHO, is of the woke variety. As in paying for Therapy Reparations Sessions for BIPOC. I mean, good cause and everything. And I guess it would work for the host(ess) who has everything. Maybe Gwyneth wanted to support this cause, but just couldn't figure out what category it belonged under. (Suggestion for Gwyneth: put it under Wellness next time.)

Ridiculous but Awesome Everything about Goop (and Gwyneth Paltrow, for that matter) is pretty much awesomely ridiculous, so I had high hopes for this gift guide. Hopes weren't dashed! In-person Air Jordan sneaker making class. Only $5K. (A thousand extra if you want to use (unspecified) exotic materials.) Because who wouldn't want to know how to DIY a pair of kicks? But in my book, the most ridiculous item is a $32K Chanel sled. (It's actually a flying saucer, but who am I to quibble with Gwyneth Paltrow.)

Shopping excursion's over, and I'm now exahusted. So much for my becoming someone's personal shopper. I'll just leave it all up to Gwyneth to curate for me.