It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, 4-inch Hermes bagatini

One of the more annoying and/or idiotic things to emerge in the post-9/11, post-shoe-bomber has been the ever-evolving bag policies at concert and sports venues.

Last month, I went to the Springsteen Hope and Dreams concert at the Boston Garden (technically, it's the TD Garden, formerly the Fleet Center, and originally - at least at that location - the Boston Garden, which it will remain for me forever and ever, unless I'm just calling it The Garden).

Naturally, I checked in on the bag policy and found out that you're now restricted to a 4"x 6"x 1.5" bag. Not much you can fit in there. Good thing I don't wear makeup. Good thing I no longer have to carry tampons.

Fortunately, it was cold and rainy, so I was wearing a raincoat with pockets ample enough to hold my phone, mini-wallet, kleenex and lip balm. Not to mention my personal workaround for all venues: a tiny fold up grocery tote that unfolds large enough to fit everything I've stuffed in my pockets, plus clothing items: scarf, hat, gloves, sweater. 

The Garden, with its eye on the $ prize, lets you tote in a shopping bag if you bought gear at the Boston ProShop.

Back to cold and rainy: when I checked on the bag policy, I also checked on the umbrella policy. No surprise, you can't bring an umbrella in, which is admittedly not an irrational prohibition. After all, everyone could decide to open their brolly up. Mayhem! Or use it as a weapon. 

But what was great about the info page on the umbrella policy was the suggestion that The Garden offered: Wear a raincoat! Wear a plastic poncho! Wow, never would have thought of either of those. Thanks for the most excellent advice. (This reminded me of the old Cool Whip ad in which folks asked "Sarah Tucker" how she made Pudding in a Cloud, which was a bowl of Cool Whip with pudding plunked in the middle. Even someone who'd never been in a kitchen in their life should have been able to figure out the plot there.)

At Gillette Stadium, where the Patriots play and where I last saw Bruce and the East Street Band a couple of years ago, you can bring in a 12"x12"x6" bag. But it MUST be clear. If you don't want to spring the big bucks for a clear stadium bag, you can use a 1 gallon freezer bag.

And if you want to conceal the fact that you're carrying a couple of tampons, you can use an opaque 6.5"x4.5" wristlet or clutch. (Ignore the fact that a clutch, of whatever size, is the least practical handbag ever invented.)

Fenway Park also allows a 12"x12"x6" bag, and while they recommend clear, it doesn't have to be, as long as it has only one compartment. Which means you can bring your size-M Longchamp bag. I love me my Longchamp bag, but its drawback is - you guessed it - that it only has one compartment. Peculiarly, even if the dimensions are okey-dokey, you can't bring a duffle or backback style handbag.

Other than the fact that I've just been to a bag-restricted concert, and that I'm heading to another one (Noah Kahan at Fenway) in a few weeks, the reason I'm thinking about bag size is that I recently read about a bag that Kim Kardashian used when she was attending a show on Broadway.

Kardashian carried a minuscule metal Hermès Kelly bag that measures 11 centimeters wide (just over 4 inches) and 7 centimeters tall (just under 3 inches). She was fortunately flanked by security guards who could hold her belongings, as the impossibly tiny bag is only big enough to fit a few credit cards.

The purse a limited-edition sterling silver Kellymorphose Sac Bijou released in 2021 as part of a jewelry collection based on the French brand’s iconic handbags.

Designed by Pierre Hardy, the fully articulated piece can be worn as a necklace or — à la Kardashian — held daintily by the hand. It’s currently available to purchase on the luxury secondhand market for between $84,000 and $100,000. (Source: Page Six)

I suppose if you have it, spend it, bu $100K for an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, 4-inch Hermes bagatini, even if it is fully articulated? That is just insane - and makes the $5.5K cost of the vintage dress Kardashian wore (which I rather like) seem just a step or two above some throwaway garment bought on Temu. 

But Kimmy's a bag lady, with a collection that includes many Hermès bags, Kellys and others, and a Birkin "which can fetch up to half a million dollars at resale." Gulp. 

Yes, I know that Kim Kardashian does some good in the world. She seems sincerely committed to criminal justice reform and has other philanthropic involvements as well. But $100K for a bag that could only hold a tampon if it were OB not Tampax (if you know, you know)? 

The world is truly gone an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny bit crazy. 

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Maybe there is a god after all

So many bon mots - couldn't find the Venetian equivalent - that spring to mind now that the Sanchez-Bezos nuptials have been celebrated and thoroughly publicized. 

       Hey, big spender!

       If you've got it, flaunt it.

One thing we're sure of, the rich get richer...

They were careless people, Tom and Daisy.

Okay, Jeff and Lauren may be publicity hounds and showoffs, but I don't know if they're Tom and Daisy Buchanan careless.  But I sure know they're big spenders. That they got it and they flaunt it. And that there's no getting around the stats that, the rich are getting richer while the poor are getting poorer.

Anyway, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez outdid themselves (which is hard to do) with a lavish multi-event celebration to mark their marriage.

All sorts of biggies were there. The lubricious Kardashians. The not-so-lubricious Jenner "girls." Oprah Winfrey and her sidekick, Gayle King. Mogul Barry Diller and wrap-dresser Diane von Furstenburg. Tom Brady (who used to be cute, but who's starting to look like a cadaver). Orlando Bloom (but not ex-Katie Perry, even though she was the one who rocketed into outer space with Lauren Sanchez earlier this year.) Leonard DiCaprio. Usher. Jewel. Ivanka and Jared. Dolce and Gabbana. Bill Gates and his attractive, accomplished but non-boobs-hanging-out girlfriend Paula Hurd. (Different strokes for different mega-billionaires, I guess. I'd a lot rather meet Bill Gates and Paula Hurd than Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez.)

When the most "normie" folks on the invite list are Bill Gates and OpenAI's Sam Altman, you have to ask whether Jeff and Lauren have anyone to invite who are regular non-People people. Were their sibs there? Any cousins? BFFs from high school? College roommates? Next door neighbors? 

Anyway, the celebration was not without controversy.

Folks protested the big spending, the flaunting. The depredation visited upon the environment by the arrival and departure of so many private jets. (You think any of these guests flew commercial?) The general disgust at holding these events in the over-touristed, fragile city of Venice.  

The happy couple made up for the assault on Venice by asking guests to donate to local charities. After all, what can you possibly buy for the couple who has everything? They weren't exactly going to register on Crate and Barrel for a cocktail shaker now, were they? And, of course, there was all the money that floated into the local economy by the spending associated with a $50 million wedding (the swag bags included local sweets and Murano glass something or other), not to mention the hotel and water taxi spending by the guests. (Wonder whether the prices were jacked for the fabulously wealthy guests. Surely not in Italy...) 

It is, of course, their (his) money and they (he) can spend it how they want.

But I can't help but think about the Amazon workers who struggle with poor working conditions and crappy pay and benefits - all the while knowing that Bezos will replace every last one of them with AI and/or robots the nano-second he can. About how much more he could do if he devoted more of his wealth to the common good. (And spread more of his personal accumulation to those who work for him.)

Sure, Bezos has his philanthropic activities. But how odd that he would supposedly be committed to climate change initiatives while at the same time sucking up to a president committed to environmental destruction. (I read that Big Daddy Trump was invited to the wedding of the century but chose not to go. Maybe he wanted to golf. Or play warrior. Maybe he was afraid that Lauren would be the center of attention, not himself. In any case, Venice caught a break. Imagine the big old Air Force presidential chopper whirring its way onto Saint Mark's Plaza?)

And I can't help but think of the quiet life and amazing philanthropy of Bezos first wife, Mackenzie Scott. She's a billionaire in her own right - she helped Bezos build the Amazon business - but it's hard to imagine a novelist/philanthropist who studied under Toni Morrison at Princeton throwing a $50 million party for herself, let alone showing up at any event with her boobs hanging out. (One thing to show up showing all at your wedding celebration - Lauren Sanchez Bezos is an obvious adherent of the 'if you've got it, flaunt it' way of exhibitionism - but she also showed up showing all at Trump's second inauguration. How Eleanor Roosevelt of her.) 

My favorite part of the Bezos-Sanchez wedding event(s) was, meanie that I am, the violent thunderstorm that disrupted the welcoming party. The guests had to scatter - I was going to say, like rats, but that would be ultra-meanie; plus Venice has enough native four-legged rats as it is - when the skies opened. Just one of a series of "disasters" that attended the goings-on.

First came the anti-capitalist public protests. Then it turned out one of Bezos and Sánchez’s three chosen venues was covered by unsightly scaffolding. The next disaster to hit? A freak thunderstorm on Thursday night during a welcoming party at the Madonna dell’Orto cloisters. Heavy lightning and rain reportedly left many guests soaked, forcing the event to end early. Perhaps Bezos and Sánchez should have followed fashion week’s lead and hired a rain shaman. (Source: The Guardian)

You might not know it from reading Pink Slip, but I'm actually not a mean person. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't chuckle a bit at the thought of Jeff and Lauren, Tom Brady, Ivanka and Jared, et al. scurrying around to get out of the pouring rain. Maybe there is a god after all - a god with a sense of humor.  

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Image Source: Daily Mail on X.  

The nap of luxury...

The most I ever paid for a mattress was for a king-sized Tempur-Pedic, purchased at Brookstone's maybe 30 years ago. I don't recall what we paid, but at the time it seemed like a lot. (Something comparable today is in the $3K or so range, so it probably cost us about $1.5K.) It was worth it. I know that some people can't stand Tempur-Pedics, but it worked for us. The one downside was that the mattress hardened up in the cold, so when you first got into bed on a cold night, it felt like a marble slab. Once your body heated it up, it was perfecto. When we first got the mattress, I had sciatica and the Tempur-Pedic was good for what ailed me.

I now have a queen-size bed, a handmedown from my sister - it came with the wonderful cherry wood Crate & Barrel sleigh bed she was offloading - and I have no idea what kind of mattress is on it. I know I'll need to replace it at some point, but it's fine for now. And I'll be willing to pay a few thousand bucks for the right stuffed. 

But my price point will be well below the entry point ($14K) for a Hästens, which can run you up to $600K for the top of the line. (And, yes, you read that correctly: six-hundred thousand dollars. FOR A DAMNED MATTRESS. Apparently the rapper Drake owns one, so he can lie in comfort while licking the wounds that his arch-rival Kendrick Lamar's been inflicting on him.)

I likely would never have heard of Hästens had not an article on their dream mattresses popped up in the NY Time's Wirecutter, where "resident sleep expert" Caira Blackwell wrote about her opportunity to test drive sleep one of them for six months. 

Over the years Blackwell's been testing out mattresses, she's slept on everything from those beds-in-boxes that cost next to nothing, to high end mattresses that go for $10K. And her verdict on the Hästens 2000T: while some of the mattresses she's checked out have been just fine, when it comes to the Hästens 2000T: nothing compares to you. 

For $56K,it had better be good. But nothing prepared me for learning about Hästens.

I was expecting the handcrafted-ness, but this goes way beyond handcraft. 

Horsehair is the star of the show in every Hästens mattress. The horse mane and tail strands are heat-treated, braided, and steamed to create a permanent curl—an expensive process, according to Hästens and a Chinese-based supplier, Tallie. The curls are dense enough to create a loose, springy structure that feels airy yet supportive. The fibers are hollow, and this helps the mattress feel breathable by wicking away moisture and excess heat. (Source: NYT Wirecutter)

Personally, I don't associate horsehair with comfort. My only experience sleeping on a horsehair mattress was at the summer home of a college friend, where the mattress in my room was some sort of ugly blue leatherette stuffed with horsehair. It was as hard as a rock, and each time I turned over, it felt like I was going to fracture a hip. Not so Blackwell's experience with her horsehair mattress (which, by the way, has 2,340 individual springs in it - most box springs, which aren't so much in use anymore, had maybe one-fifth that amount). 

I know from years of mattress testing that comfort is subjective, and no single mattress will work for everyone. That being said, sleeping on the 2000T feels like nothing I’ve ever felt before. When I settle in, the mattress conforms just enough for my whole body to sink into it, while what feels like a thousand little hands support me from below. The closest comparison I can think of is floating in a sensory-deprivation chamber. When I lie on the Hästens, I feel weightless, like I’m bobbing in a pool of water calibrated to my exact body temperature. I can barely tell where the mattress ends and my body begins, regardless of what position I’m in.

Well, if that doesn't sound sweet... 

Despite the near-perfection that is the Hästens, after a few weeks using it, Blackwell felt that all that all those carefully handcrafted materials were starting to clump together. She reported the issue to the company and was told that this was to be expected:

...because the mattress requires regular, complimentary massaging. Yes, every mattress sold by Hästens comes with a “recalibration program,” in which Hästens employees visit your home to loosen up the materials and redistribute them, to prevent the mattress from settling into a you-shaped valley. Each Hästens owner is entitled to this service for a decade or more.

They remove the topper, flip the mattress, and then systematically tread across the surface in weighted steps, like they’re marching. Then they knead it with their fists, before reapplying the topper and systematically rolling the edges in to redistribute the materials in an even layer. After each 20-minute “massage,” I could feel the difference. The mattress again felt like it did on the first day it was delivered to my home.

Who knew that mattress fluffer was an actual profession? Of course, what they do is on beyond just casual fluffing, treading, kneading, and rotating. 

For Blackwell's second recalibration, she mentioned that the recalibrated mattress was feeling a bit too cushy. So they sent a squad in and they:

... re-tufted the entire thing by hand, functionally tightening each coil to adjust the bed to feel a little firmer than it was before. Again, I could really feel the difference, as if I’d swapped a soft mattress for a medium one—without the hassle. The team members explained that they can also do this procedure for half of the mattress, which is ideal for couples with different firmness preferences.

Nearly $60K for a mattress is way, way, way too rich for my blood. And I don't think I'd like having a recalibration team swing by every couple of months. Too much of a good thing, etc. 

And $600K for a mattress? That's just rich folks doing what rich folks do. Status-buying something insanely pricey just because they can afford to. Is there more value, more comfort, more more of more in a $600K mattress than in a $60K mattress? I suspect there's a marginal increase in value, comfort, and more more at best. 

$60K or $600K, this is just living in the nap of luxury. There's a Hästens store nearby, on Newbury Street. I haven't been in - and don't imagine I ever will. But if word gets out, come the revolution, someone may decide to roll the tumbrel up to their door. Liberté, égalité, sleep comfort!

LVMH? Quelle horreur!

Last summer, I watched a bit of the Paris Olympics. I wasn't wild about the opening and closing ceremonies, which are normally my favorite parts. I really missed the teams all marching in, as I like to look at (and critique) their costumes. It was hard to see them, given that the teams paraded in via boat, and a lot of them were wearing rain ponchos over their costumes. Quel dommage!

Anyway, I'm enough of a homer - USA! USA! - to keep tabs on the medal counts, and was happy that the US won the most. USA! USA!

What I wasn't aware of was that the medals were designed by Chaumet, a company that's part of LVMH, the French luxury goods group that owns brands like Moët Hennessy and Louis Vuitton. In fact, if I'd been asked, I would have said that the medals were the responsibility of the International Olympic Committee, and that they're the same every time. 

Well, silly unobservant me.

I guess I wasn't paying all that much attention, but:

...in the buildup to the Games, and during the event itself, LVMH was showing off the roles of its expert artisans in crafting the medals. On the second floor of a club it created, just a few yards from the Élysée Palace, the residence of the French president, designers from Chaumet proudly explained the yearlong project to design the medals in secrecy. At the heart of each was a piece of the Eiffel Tower.

Chaumet had never previously designed a sporting medal, and of the three they were asked to make, the bronze was the trickiest.

“It’s the most difficult because it’s the most delicate,” Philippe Bergamini, one of Chaumet’s longest serving jewelry designers, told The New York Times at the time.

The company tweaked the designs hundreds of times until a special committee of athletes and Olympic officials were in agreement. Designers then joined forces with the mint, a French institution that has produced money and other precious objects since the Middle Ages. 

Each medal took 15 days to complete, from stamping out the design to dipping it in gold, bronze and silver and then finishing it with a coat of varnish.(Source: NY Times)

All well and good until it wasn't so well and good.  

Within days after the completion of the Olympics, a number of the athletes started reporting that their medals were flaking and crumbling. The athletes began asking for replacements.

The problem was largely with the bronze medals. Figures, no? Not that it's not plenty impressive to win a bronze medal at the Olympics, but doesn't it just figure that the least of the medals would be the junkiest. Bronze to begin with, and now this...

Monnaie de Paris, the French mint which collaborated with Chaumet/LVMH on the medal - Chaumet doing the designing, the mint doing the manufacturing - has taken full reponsibility for the fiasco. Seems like the deterioration is due to a problem with the varnish, which had recently been changed to comply with EU "regulations banning the use of chromium trioxide, a toxic chemical used to prevent metal from rusting." The mint has now modified the varnish recipe, which will be used for the replacement medals. 

Hopefully, the new varnish will work. Sure, if the worst thing to happen to an Olympic athlete is that their medal crumbles in their hands, they'll have led a pretty charmed life. Still, who wants to see the symbol of their accomplishment in ruins, especially when I'm sure that for plenty of these athletes - especially the ones whose careers are more amateur than monetized - showing off their prizes to friends and family is a big part of the Olympic payoff.

Anyway, LVMH has been just fine with the Monnaie de Paris taking the blame.  

For LVMH, the Olympics were a coming-out party. It was a major foray into sports, and a moment to promote the company in a way that it had previously avoided, preferring instead to showcase its individual brands.

“Obviously because it’s the medal, it’s super high profile and everyone is asking the question how does this happen and especially coming from LVMH, whose raison d’être is quality and precision,” said Michael Payne, who devised the I.O.C.’s original marketing strategy.

If your "raison d’être is quality and precision," then you'd think that LVMH would have insisted on more oversight throughout the process. Imagine if your Louis Vuitton bag fell apart, and LVMH pointed its finger to an outsourced manufacturer? (I have no idea whether Vuitton bags are produced in-house or not.) Imagine if you popped your bottle of Moët and a mouse head popped out with the bubbles, and LVMH blamed the bottler?

I'm pretty sure that Moët is bottled by Moët; just making a point here. And the point is that the LVMH brand is pretty darned precious to them. Not that the Monnaie de Paris is blameless - you'd think they would have time-tested the new varnish formula a bit - but you'd also think LVMH would have paid a bit more attention to something as visible as an Olympic medal.

Sacre bleu! (Sacre bronze?) Quelle horreur!

May be the best thing Walmart has ever done

Of course, I'd love to have a Birkin bag.

Of course, I wouldn't pay $28K for it (on top of the $100K or so I'd have to spend at Hermès for lurid-colored scarves with gold stirrups on them in order to be allowed to purchase a Birkin bag).

But a Walmart knockoff for short money? Now you're talking.

If only you could get your hands on one of them. And you probably can't, because they instantly sold out.

In case you're not familiar with the Birkin, it's a luxury, iconic handbag/tote originally designed by Hermès in the 1980's for British-French actress-singer Jane Birkin.

Walmart's version, the KAMUGO, is, like the real Birkin, made of leather, but is not available in options like crocodile or ostrich. (Birkin does have a canvas with leather bag.) And the KAMUGO only comes in a few colors. (The colors are Birkin-esque, however.) But the major difference is hand-craftedness and price. Birkins range from $10K-ish to over $400K. The Walmart version was priced from $78 to $102. That's dollars, not K's.

The bag, also being called the "Wirkin," is described as a "large-capacity lychee pattern Kelly platinum bag," and has a "classic temperament, noble European and American style," according to the manufacturer's description. It is made with genuine leather, with the first layer made with cowhide. Akin to the real Birkin, the Wirkin, also features a gold lock button, which the manufacturer says is to "increase the security of bag anti-theft."

The bag... is being seen as a budget-friendly alternative to the Hermès Birkin. However, the manufacturers of the bag have not marketed it or referred to it as a Birkin dupe.(Source: USA Today) 

Why would marketing need to refer to it as "a Birkin dupe?" Isn't that what the Internet is for? (Birkin bag warriors, assemble!)

Of course, the Wirkins aren't artisanally created. They don't have fancy hardware. Or secret numbers stamped on the inside leather. 

But who cares, if it looks enough like the real deal?

Will I try to acquire one? Not likely, even at the supposed low, low price of $40 - a price that's reputedly out there and somewhat available. But I love, love, love the idea of women swanning around with Wirkins slung over their shoulders - and no one getting close enough to see if it's a Birkin or not. This just may be the bet thing that Walmart has ever done!

This year's N-M Fantasies...

I do so look forward each year to the Neiman-Marcus Fantasy Gifts Catalog, or, as I like to think of it, the Let Them Eat Cake Spree. 

For $90K, you can treat yourself and a couple of your pals to a fine porcelain experience. Get your creative on and work with the porcelain-os at Ginori in Florence to come up with a design that expresses your vision - and then see it get turned into a place setting for 12. Reminder not to put it in the dishwasher, and it would probably be wise not to use it at the kids' table, either. 

It's on my "watch if there's a blizzard and I'm snowbound" list, but I've never seen Emily in Paris. But for some lucky fan who's made a killing in crypto, or got out of Truth Social in time, and has $175K squirrled away, there's a chance to hang with Marylin Fitoussi, the show's "glorious, iconic, award-winning costumer designer." It goes without saying that I've never heard of her. Plus I haven't made a killing in anything. But someone might want to swan around Paris with Maylin, get styled by her to the tune of $25K, and score a professional photoshoot. 

At a lower price point - a mere $20K -  you can get a set of crystal mahjong tiles, and a fancy-arse handbag to carry it around in. "The handbag's colorful mosaic butterfly motif—a nod to Neiman Marcus's signature symbol—is bejeweled with more than 10,000 crystals that took an expert artisan 80 hours to set by hand." Wonder what that expert artisan gets paid per hour? Bet it's a lot less than Judith Leiber got for designing the bag. Still, good to see that one of the little guy expert artisans out there can make a living, 80 hours worth of a living anyway.

A nice companion piece for the mahjong bag might be a $28K pair of Miron Crosby Starry Night Boots.  I doubt it's Miron, but someone at his studio "stitches each boot by hand, combining time-honored techniques with a sartorial wit beloved by collectors and celebrities alike." Yee-haw. Nothing I like more than getting me some down-home sartorial wit. Plus them boots come with an astrological reading,

I actually don't know how well the boots would go with the mahjong bag. A pair of Manolo Blahnik's might work better. Or two - monogramming optional and free. Of course, the visit to Paris experience will run you $55K, but you do get to sip tea with Manolo's niece Kristin. Plus you'll get "to attend the UK’s first-ever Marie Antoinette exhibit at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum and be invited to attend one of the opening celebrations for the Manolo Blahnik–sponsored historical exhibition with a guided tour."

Marie Antoinette, you say? They really are starting to say the quiet parts out loud, aren't they?

On the other hand, the pavé  diamond studded cowboy boots might be more practical on the safari to Namibia with the good folks from Messika Jewelry. All sorts of goodies included: cameras, framed photos, and an "18.05 carat fancy yellow diamond necklace." Hmmm. For $777,777 do they really have to tell us it's fancy? Maybe that's just to warn off the rich folks who like there pricey items on the understated and not the glitzy side - although would such folks be thumbing through the N-M Fantasy Gift catalog to begin with?

Back to Marie Antoinette - or at least Marie Antoinette adjacent - the pièce de résistance of the 2024 catalog is the 18th Century Royal Family Calèche pictured above. It's certainly a rare gem. "The carved wood and iron carriage is a masterpiece, adorned on all sides with pastoral scenes that showcase the painters’ skill in immortalizing their world through polychrome paint. Each gilded panel is crowned by a Greek-style frieze and bordered by chiseled Baroque moldings, reflecting the rich blend of artistic influences present in Spain at the time."

Going for $1.9M, you might think you'd at least get to ride around in it. Alas, it's only 7-feet long and designed for a principe o principesa. Come one, can't you just see your little one's little face light up when they see this beauty under the tree?

Rich folks are certainly entitled to do what they want with their money, whether they actually did anything to earn it or not. But it sure seems to me that some folks have entirely too much disposable income on hand if they can dispose of nearly $1.9M to by a gilded child's coach.

Birkin Bag class action? Oh, FFS.

You can get a Hermès Birkin bag for as little as $10K and change. Or swallow hard and pay $2M+ for a diamond-encrusted gold and crocodile (or is it golden crocodile?) miniature Sac Bijou Birkin which - if I've got this right - is a fully-functional Birkin bag designed to be worn as a bracelet.

But frankly, even if I were the sort of ritzy gal able and willing to spend $10K and change for a pocketbook, it wouldn't be a Birkin bag. No shoulder strap? Forget about it! Who wants to lug a bag around by those squinchy little handles. Sheesh.

Oh, if someone gave me a Birkin bag, I wouldn't say 'no.' As long as it was in a color I liked and didn't involve crocodile or alligator or ostrich, but just plain old-fashioned goat-lined calf leather.

Apparently, if I were the sort of ritzy gal able and willing to spend $10K and change for a pocketbook, looks like I might not be able to get my hands on one. 

This comes as a surprise to me, since when you google "birkin bag for sale" plenty of options pop up. 

But you can't buy one online from Hermès, and the Hermès boutiques where you can make your purchase only keep a few in stock at a time, and when new bags arrive, they fly off the shelves. 

But just whose Birkin-lovin' hands do they fly into? Not everyone who wants to get their Birkin-lovin' hands on one. And those poor deprived things are taking action. Class action.

Luxury leader Hermès has been hit with a class-action lawsuit alleging the company is engaged in the “unlawful practice of tying,” requiring customers to purchase ancillary Hermès products, such as shoes, scarves, and jewelry, before being given the opportunity to purchase a Birkin or Kelly bag.

Claiming the company violates antitrust laws and is engaged in unfair, anticompetitive business practices, the two plaintiffs leading the suit filed in a California court invite other frustrated consumers to join their cause so they will have the right to purchase these highly-coveted and super-expensive handbags in the open market. (Source: Forbes)

Not that I have any sympathy for Hermès - come on, a $2M fully-operating pocketbook that's so tiny all you can fit in it is a dime and a tic-tac and you have to wear it as a bracelet; not to mention those ugly-arse scarves with the stirrup design - but I have even less sympathy for those who feel so put-upon, so aggrieved, about not being able to score a Birkin bag that they need to bring their pissiness to court. 

Boo-f'ing-hoo. Don't these folks have better things to do with their time? Some power to the people! And do we really need the court system, which our taxes pay for, clogged with suits like this.

Sure, I'm sure there are plenty of snobby, snarky Hermès salespeople who reserve the short supply of bags that show up in their stores for their fave customers, who inevitably would be those who spend the most money with them. 

Given the Hermès price point, I guess this gives new meaning to that word "class" in class action.

Meanwhile, if you're so desperate for a Birkin bag, you can get knock-offs for as little as $125. 

Remember when "million dollar smile" was a figure of speech?

I volunteer in a homeless shelter, and plenty of the folks I see there have lousy teeth. It's no surprise. They're poor. Many live on the streets. They haven't always led the healthiest of lives. They've abused drugs. They've abused alcohol. Their diets may not be the greatest. They've been in prison. They've been in fights.

Some have no teeth at all.

One fellow - an older guy - has a terrible underbite, and, while most of his lower teeth are missing, he does have a set of protruding lower fangs. His condition can only be described as disfiguring, and I'm sure it has impacted every aspect of his life. On top of that, I suspect he's in pain. Having that degree of underbite can throw your entire body off.

I've never spoken with him. I've only seen him come through the foodline, where there's no time to chat with anyone. I suspect he grew up in a rural area (I'm thinking in the South), where there likely would have been poor or no access to dental care. I may be wrong (and I may be being judge-y) here. If he comes into the Resource Center, where there's often an opportnity for a convo, I might find out where he's from. (A lot of our guests like to chat.)

I thought of this fellow when I read about Thomas Connolly, DDS, who, from his offices in NYC (SoHo: think edgy) and Beverly Hills (think buckets o' money), outfits

his patients with "million dollar smiles." Literally.

Dubbed the "Father of Diamond Dentistry" by Rolling Stone - perhaps the only dentist to be dubbed anything by Rolling Stone - Connolly has a lot of well-known patients. 

[He] reconstructed Post Malone’s smile with 18 porcelain veneers, eight platinum crowns and two six-carat diamonds replacing the singer-songwriter’s upper canines. Just diamonds.

The total cost: $1.6 million. (Source: NY Times)

That was back in 2021, when diamond dentures weren't so much of a thing. Fast forward, and Connolly and his team "now perform diamond dentistry almost daily."

Post Malone is by no means the only big name patient Connolly's worked with. 

[He] has reconstructed the mouths of the rappers Gunna and Lil Yachty, the professional boxer Devin Haney, the baseball pitcher Marcus Stroman, the Hall of Fame basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, the Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. and others.

Admittedly, I've never heard of Gunna or Devin Haney. But those other Connolly patients are big names. (Amazingly, I have heard of Lil Yachty.)

And then there's the biggest of the big names, even if the biggest of the big names is only a two-letter word.

Yes, Ye - once known as Kanye West - hired Connolly to create the "six-figure titanium structure" that Ye began showing off a short while back.

You don't have to pay a milion dollars to get in a Connolly chair:

Full diamond teeth range from $100,000 to $2 million, and porcelain veneers with diamond insets from $10,000 to $75,000.

I'm guessing those $100K diamond choppers aren't much higher in quality than cubic zirconium. But $100K is still a lot to pay for a set of teeth. 

And I'm not going to criticize veneers. A while back - a long while: maybe 20 years, maybe more - I got veneers for my front teeth, which were chipped so badly that the bonding my dentist kept trying never held. I can't recall what I paid, but it was a lot. ($7K for four sticks in my mind.) So $10K in 2024 for a veneer with a diamond inset doesn't sound outrageous pricewise.

But dental diamonds? 

Sorry, but that does strike me as outrageous. As does having a multi-million dollar mouth. 

I guess it's a logical extension of the gold grills that rappers started sporting nearly twenty years ago. And even variations on the gold grills theme have been around for, like, forever. Archaeologists have discovered Etruscan "golden dental appliances" from the seventh century BC. 

And those modern grills have been sporting diamond inlays for a while now. Full diamond teeth though, that's something new. 

I don't get it. But I'm not supposed to.

Connolly insists that:

“This is not a gimmick...We changed the profession a little bit and pioneered something that was catching on and made it a little more mainstream.”

I guess "a litle more mainstream" doesn't mean full-blown mainstream...And, of course, it will never become mainstream among us old fuddy-duddies, just happy to be hanging on to our own teeth.

But spending more than a million dollars on your mouth does seem cra.

Much as I'd like to, I'm not going to engage in the sophistry of arguing that the money could be better spent on, say, dental work for the fellow with the underbite and fangs. Rich folks, celebreties, can do whatever they want with their money. And if they want to keep Dr. Connolly and the engineers and jewelers he works with employed, so be it.

Still, I can't help but think of the guys I see day in, day out, who'd like to have a few good teeth in their heads.

Just sayin'...

Swagbaggery 2024

Having managed - quite amazingly - to see all ten of the films nominated for Best Picture this year, I had more of a vested interest in this year's Oscars than usual. Oh, not enough of an interest to actually watch much of the show - I tuned in in time to see Al Pacino shortchange the Best Picture nominees by not rattling off the list, but just opening the envelope and announcing Oppenheimer - but enough of an interest to read through the list of winners. And enough of an interest to see what was in this year's swagbag.

The swagbag - "Everybody Wins" - is not quite given to everybody. In the past the distribution included presenters et al. (Fans of The Sopranos may recall Christopher Moltisanti weaseling his way into the Oscar party where the goodie bags were being given out and making off with Lauren Bacall's bag o' loot.) This year, the bags will go to the five Best Director nominees, the twenty nominees in the acting categories, and to host Jimmy Kimmel.

What's in the swagbag varies from year to year, but the value is always pretty high. This year's bag - actually multiple bags: there's an awful lot of stuff - is worth nearly $180K, and includes items ranging from a 50th anniversary retro Rubik's cube that costs all of $15 to a luxe vacation in the Alps:

The priciest gift in this year’s bag is a three-night stay at Chalet Zermatt Peak, the reigning winner of the “Best Ski Chalet” from the World’s Ski Awards. Nominees who redeem the $50,000 invitation will have private use of the entire chalet for themselves and up to nine guests.

The six-floor chalet boasts floor-to-ceiling windows with views of the Matterhorn, a spa, in-house massage therapist and celestial observatory roof. Guests will dine on multi-course dinners prepared by a gourmet chef, have access to a fully-stocked wine cellar as well as a chauffeured car available 24 hours a day. (Source: CNBC)

Leave the gun Rubik's cube. Take the cannoli Zermatt trip. (And if you're wondering, yes, you do need to pay taxes on the gifts, but trips and services won't be taxed if you don't make use of them.)

In addition to the Zermatt jaunt, there's a more local vacay as well: a week-long wellness retreat at the Golden Door spa in Souther California. The value of this getaway is $24K, but it does include hiking trails and mindfulness classes. 

There's a Schwank grill that heats up to 1500 degrees. I'm trying to think of something that needs to be grilled at 1500 degrees. Hamburg? Hotdog? Asparagus? 

I'm having visions of a marshmallow instantaneously incinerated to a crisp, a Graham cracker spontaneously combusting, a Hershey's Bar melting completely down. No Smores for you today!

As a companion to the grill, there's a wine fridge. (What's not to like?) And some fancy, pricey, fluffy Canadian sugar made from maple sap. (What's not to like?)

There are a couple of skin-related gifts. There's a package of skincare products, and:

A $10,000 micro needling treatment from Cynosure “designed to tighten and revitalize” skin and “minimize the common signs of aging or reduce blemishes.”

Don't get me going on "common signs of aging." I will say that most of mine have nothing to do with wrinkly skin.

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that the gift that will be least taken up is "a $25,000 live show from mentalist Carl Christman which 'combines magic, mind reading, hypnosis and comedy.'”

Leave the gun mentalist live show. Take the cannoli  Rubik's cube. The 1500 degree grill. The needling treatment. The fancy/pricey/fluffy sugar. 

Lash Fary - can this be his real name? - runs the company that pulls together the swagbags. Here's what he has to say:

"For someone who says it's overindulgent to give these nominees a six-figure gift bag, I would simply tell them to enroll in a marketing class at their local community college," Fary tells NBC. "It's so straightforward what this is."

"These are folks who get paid millions of dollars, if not tens of millions of dollars to be in films, not because they need the money, but because they are the biggest names in the world and they can sprinkle stardust on whether it's opening night of a film or whether it's something like overnight travel bags and they are seen using this bag when they're at the airport and it changes the trajectory for that business," Fary says. "So it's a really, really powerful win-win." (Source: NBC NY)

Marketing 101 for sure, for consumer goods, anyway. (And Life 101 in terms of "one thing we're sure of, the rich get richer...")

Anticipating that Greta Gerwig of Barbie fame would be among the nominees for Best Director - she wasn't - Fary had a special Barbie pillow designed for inclusion in the bag. He will be sending one along to poor Greta. Better luck next time!

And to all the beneficiaries of all that marketing largesse: enjoy!

The ultimate luxury submarine yacht's for sale

On occasion, I play the lottery, and just last week actually "made" eight bucks. That was off of a couple of two-dollar tickets, so I guess I really "made" four bucks. But I don't play the lottery to win a measly four, or even eight, bucks. I play so that, for a couple of days, I can fantasize about winning BIG - and what I'd do with it. Then I forget to check the winning numbers for a couple of months and then - albeit rately - score a few bucks. 

Not that I'm so all-fired noble, but most of my big spender fantasizing revolves around splitting the pot with my family, and donating to worthy charities (and maybe worthy political candidates). In terms of spending on something, I think about getting a second home - on the Cape? on a lake? in Ireland? - and maybe buying Eileen Fisher clothing at full price, rather than scrounging around for discounts on last year's editions at T.J. Maxx. Maybe I'd start flying business class. But mostly I don't want to or need to acquire any more stuff than I already have.

Even in my wildest win-the-lottery fantasizing, it's never about winning one of those crazy billion dollar Powerball jackpots. 

Who wants or needs a billion dollars? Not I, for sure. But I guess if you ask billionaires, well, they want and need that kind of money. And I guess they don't have much of a problem figuring out what to spend it on. Or not. There are still Warren Buffets out there who live in very comfortable, perfectly nice, but non-crazy-posh digs like Buffet's home in Omaha. And who derive much of their satisfaction from their philanthropy.

But there are plenty who want to strut their $ stuff.

And so, since so many mega-billionaires are a little more spendy than The Sage of Omaha, we get the Bob Krafts and John Henrys who buy sports team. (Aside to John Henry: please and thank you sell the Red Sox.) We get Elon Musk with his million dollar McLaren. And Jeff Bezos has got that $500 million yacht anchored somewhere.

And now there's something new and shiny that the big bucksters can spend their big bucks on, and that's a submarine-yacht, the Migaloo M5, that costs $2 billion. 

The 541-foot-long luxury submersible is capable of going 820 feet underwater and staying submerged for four weeks. The vessel can accommodate 20 passengers and 40 crew members.

Guests can enjoy riding jet skis, kite surfing, paddleboarding, setting off in one of two six-person mini-submarines, or taking a ride on a helicopter. (Source: NY Post)

Mini-subs sound cool, but crew outnumbering passengers two-to-one sounds pretty excessive, oppressive even.  

But wait! There's more!

The Migaloo M5 also boasts space for two pools, a jacuzzi, and a cafe.

For more formal meals, there’s a 36-seat dining room with glass walls that offer stunning views of marine life. 

Is it just me, or is the craziest feature the two pools thang? What's that about? Spare pool in case the kiddos pee in one of them? But I guess if you have $2 billion to spend on a submarine yacht - and, btw, that $2 billion is the floor price: add-ons extra - more is always better. 

Even having read about it, I truly cannot imagine this vessel for the vainglorious. The only submarine I've ever been on is the captured German WWII U-Boat on exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. This was 60 years ago, and what I remember is that it was really tight quarters. That and the fact that the sheets in the neatly made up crew berths were blue and white checked. A decade later, at Dachau, I was struck by the blue and white checked sheets in the prettified prisoner barracks there. 

The idea of a submarine fitted out with two swimming pools? Not to mention a luxury dining room? Etc? Beyond imagining, beyond belief!

And even though the Migaloo M5 is the offering of an Austrian company, I bet there's not a blue checked sheet anywhere onboard - unless it's handcrafted linen with a thread count of 10,000. (As an aside: isn't Austria landlocked?)

Anyway, $2 billion for a boat is crazy cra. There are "only" a couple of thousand billionaires out there. And some of them are single-digit billionaires, while others are fakers like DJT. So there's a pretty small market of folks who can actually afford the Migaloo M5. 

And the paucity of targets is reflected in the fact that, although the Migaloo M5 has been available for a few years now, it's still on the market. 

One of the problems is that Russian oligarchs are a big target for pricey items like the Migaloo M5, and they've more or less submerged since the war in Ukriaine. 

Good luck finding a buyer for the ultimate luxury submarine yacht. What an astounding idiotic bit of luxe. 

Welcome to the Funsch House

Dan and Sheree Funsch are rich. (Probably, anyway. What with assets vs. liabilities, you never really know.) They're not Forbes 400 rich. But they live the large large lifestyle of the rich (and not especially) famous. 

They have a number of homes, which you get to do if you're rich (probably or not). 

And one of their homes, Château Sheree, is now on the market.

Dan (early 60's) and Sherree (late 50's) are both in the beauty biz. When they were dating - they met in 2005 - Dan made Sheree a promise. 

“I told Sheree, ‘I’m going to build you the biggest, most beautiful home, and I’ll marry you, and you’ll move in,’” 

The result was Château Sheree, which is in Saddle River, New Jersey, one of the wealthiest enclaves in that state. 

Well, 16,000 square feet certainly puts it among the biggest. But "most beautiful" is sure in the eye of the beholder, and it's a tad bit too glitz and glam for this beholder's eye. 

Built with 47,000 sheets of 22-karat gold leaf, it has two pubs and a salon where Sheree Funsch said she tests products and gets her hair done...The estate has eight bedrooms, 13 fireplaces and a home theater, according to listing agent Vicki Gaily of Special Properties/Forbes Global Properties. In the foyer, there is a Cinderella staircase and a dome with a cherub mural inspired by François Boucher paintings the couple saw in Europe.

They paid an artist $1.5 million for the gold leaf and the home’s murals, which feature French gardens and countryside vistas, Dan Funsch said. The gold leaf, which is used throughout the house, took about eight months to apply, he said.

In the primary suite, the ornate ceiling was inspired by the Four Seasons Hotel George V in Paris, where the Funsches vacation. (Source: Mansion Global)

Sheree also has a walk-in closet that's two stories high. Which I guess makes it a climb-in closet. In keeping with the overall blinged out theme, the closet has a chandelier. Sheree calls the closet her "paradise," her "sanctuary."

I guess if let-them-eat-cake is your sort of thing, this is paradisial, sanctuarial, beautiful. 

Despite having that heaven-on-earth closet, the Funsches are selling the Funsch House. They've put it on the market for an eyelash under $10M. Which sure sounds like plenty, until you take into consideration that between buying the property, tearing the old inadequate house down, and building their dream house, the Funsches spent $16M on the Château.

I'm no business genius, and not that I've never done some pretty dumb (small-scale) spending of my own, but doesn't this sound kind of dumb?

But, no.

Dan Funsch wants the price to be "competitive in the local marketplace," and $16M is a bit too rich even for Saddle River's plenty-rich blood. Plus he built the house "for his wife and family enjoyment, rather than for a return on investment."

And, unlike Rudy Giuliani's trying to dump his homes so he can pay his legal bills, this is not a fire sale. 

The Funsches have found themselves spending their time on their superyacht, so they're looking at waterfront property that put's them closer to their boat. And when they're not superyachting, they have fallback places in Florida, Wyoming, and the Bahamas. 

Me? Even if I had $10M, needed 16K square feet worth of elbow room, and had the desire to live in Saddle River, Château Sheree would not be my cup of housing tea. 

Glitz and gilt. 47,000 square feet of 22 carat gold. That grotesquerie of a kitchen that looks entirely uncooked in. 

There's no accounting for taste, so I'm sure that there'll be a buyer out there. And if the Trumps have to sell off their NJ property in Bedminster, this might be up their alley. After all, it looks an awful lot like the pictures I've seen of their apartment in Trump Tower. 

And the Trumps are definitely the types who want to live in a place that looks like a hotel. 

There are fantasies, and then there are FANTASIES. Part 2

The Neiman-Marcus Fantasy Gifts Book is always a hoot. I have no idea whose fantasies these are, but it is fun to see what my financial betters toss their coins at. That is, if anyone actually buys these high-end stocking stuffers. 

Anyway, yesterday I wrote about the first four gifts in the 2023 wish book. Today, I'll graze through the final four.

One of One Cadillac Carmen Celestiq ($975,000)

If you've ever wanted to go ridin' on the freeway of love in your pink Cadillac; if you're looking for a bespoke, hand-built motor vehicle; if you're interested in the best dining and accommodations that the Motor City has to offer; and if you've got $975K to spare for all of the above, this is the experience for you.

The CELESTIQ, an all-electric vehicle, is "unlike anything available," and the buyer will get to see how a one-off, artisanal car is designed and built. The features will include a:

... 55” pillar-to-pillar HD LED display [which] harmonizes with a studio-quality aural experience to transport your senses into the symphonic, and the hands-free advanced driver assistance comes to life with Super Cruise.

55" pillar-to-shining-pillar HD LED display? Talk about distracted driving. Good thing there'll be Super Cruise when you want to pop into autonomous vehicle mode so you can chill or watch or game or otherwise transport your senses.

But the million dollar question is, who's going to spend nearly a million dollars for a bespoke Cadillac. Time will tell. Or not.

Milan Design Experience with Nina Magon ($380,000)

Maybe if I knew who Nina Magon is, this experience would be a bit more appealing. Alas, I hadn't a clue about her "immersive interior design" and ability to "compose transformative environments." Nor did I know anything about her "signature blend of timelessness and modernity."

As someone who likes to immerse herself in her home, I'm all for immersive interior design. And transformative environments? I'm all for them, too. When I did my condo reno - which was now eight years ago - I absolutely transformed my environment big time. And, coincidentally, deployed my own personal, Nina Magon-like signature blend of timelessness and modernity. 

It cost me plenty, but nowhere near $380K. 

While Nina Magon is HQ'd in Houston, this experience involves a "whirlwind trip to Milan," where whirlwind = four nights/three days for two. This includes a side trip to Lake Como. If it included lunch with George Clooney, then we'd really be talking...

Anyway, if you choose this gift, you'll get to traipse around high-end Italian furniture design factories, and work with Nina to design an area in your home - up to 1,000 square feet (roughly 80% of the area of my condo) and furnish it with $100K worth of luxury Italian furniture. 

My favorite element of this experience - other than the possible sighting of George Clooney - is the throw-in of 20 signed copies of Nina's new book, Evoke, "for special gifting to your friends and family this holiday season." Alas, I don't know 20 folks who'd want this coffee table book. Guess I'll pass.

Immersive Baccarat Crystal Experience ($75,000)

It's hard to cheap out on a fantasy gift, but the Baccarat experience, at the low, low price of $75K, will let your special Santa do just that. 

With this gift, you and a pal can "craft your own masterpieces." And it looks like Nina Magon isn't the only one who does immersive. As part of this immersive experience - is there any other kind? - you spend a night in NYC at the luxury Baccarat Hotel, where the low-end rooms appear to start at over $1K per night. And you get a "curated" dinner by a Michelin-starred chef. (Michelin star? Good big boy!) Then you first-class jet off to Paris for a few nights, where the luxe continues. And where you get a jaunt out to the Baccarat factory where you'll get to blow your own crystal. Stop! You're blowing my mind!

Alas, to me, while the price is attractive (in a relative and relatively insane way), a little crystal goes a mighty long way.

Star Performer with American Ballet Theater ($195,000)

I can definitely see someone buying this one for their precious little ballet child. After all, you'd get to see your tiny dancer actually have a walk-on (pirouette-on?) role in "a two-performance experiential extravaganza" of either Swan Lake or Romeo and Juliet. The tiny (or not so tiny) dancer will get to shadow a Principal Dancer to hone their performance. And then:

For your debut, you’ll be transformed into character with a costume fitting by the Company’s wardrobe department and the hair and makeup team. After you perform, you’ll watch a portion of the show from the stage wings and step onto the stage once more to present flowers to a Principal Dancer. Before you pirouette back home, after the final curtain has fallen, you’ll receive flowers, pose for photos with dancers, and take with you ballet shoes signed by a Principal Dancer—and have your name listed in “Playbill” as a supporter for the entire American Ballet Theatre 2024 Summer Season.

While you'll get to work with whatever Principal is available, "other dancers may choose to participate/interact with you, but at their own inclination." Hah!

Of all the fantasies in this year's catalog, this is pretty much the only one I can see being the actual fantasy of an actual person - most likely a little ballet princess. 

The experience is billed as "the ultimate money-can't-buy fantasy pinnacle for any ballet or dance fan."

Duh? Money, in fact, can buy it. $195K worth of money.

What makes me smile about this experience is imagining a stiff, clumsy, two-left-feet person such as myself buying it. Would my performance be me walking across the stage in my costume, hoping not to trip over my own feet? I can see the Principal Dancer rolling her eyes when I drop the flowers I'm supposed to put in her arms. I can see the other dancers choosing not to interact with me, but hopefully stifling their inclination to laugh (or sneer) in my face.

All these fantasies...I'm just exhausted.

There are fantasies, and then there are FANTASIES. Part 1

One of my absolutely fav Christmas traditions is paging (virtually) through the annual Neiman Marcus catalogs. There's the pedestrian, everyone-can-afford-something catalog, featuring items like a $5K expresso machine and a $95 "personalized" version of Goodnight Moon. (Note to kiddie book buyers and readers: you can personalize the Goodnight Moon for free by using your words to add the kiddo's name every once in a while. E.g., rather than "goodnight stars/goodnight air/goodnight noises everywhere," you could say "goodnight [child's name goes here]/goodnight air/goodnight noises everywhere.)

But the real N-M Christmas gift to the world is the Fantasy Gifts catalog, which offers a bunch of outlandish - and

outlandishly pricey - experiences designed to cater to folks with a lot of discretionary spending power.

The fantasies aren't mine. But that's a good thing, because the price points are just a teensy-tiny bit out of range for the wallet in the Dooney & Bourke pocketbook I got at Nordstrom Rack.

What's in this year's book?

A Disney Animation Experience ($510,000)

For a mere half-a-mil (plus change) the "talented artists at the Walt Disney Animation Studios" will create an animated character of your very own you, using your very own voice, and plunked into a cameo appearance of "a special animated short video." (And by short they really do mean short. We're talking two-minutes long here.)

Now however talented these Disney artists are, it seems to me that most of us could find someone to create (using a design app or AI) an animated character using your very own voice, and give it more than a cameo appearance in a vid. For a lot less than $510K. So I figured that there must be a bit more to this experience. And there is a bit more.

Along with three buddies, you'll get a tour of the Animation Studios. There'll be "special meet-and-greets and photo opportunities," but it's not clear who are what those meet-and-greets and photo opps are with. Is it your fellow animated characters, like Olaf or Moana? Walt Disney's dead, so might it be Bob Iger?

There's also an invite to "the premiere of an upcoming major Disney film in Hollywood, California." 

I realize this ain't my fantasy at all, but it does seem like an awful little for an awful lot.

Olympic Games Paris 2024 with Ralph Lauren and Team USA ($210,000)

Well, at $210K, this experience is more reasonably priced. But going to the Olympics with Ralph Lauren? I mean, I love my Ralph Lauren PJ's an all, but Ralph Lauren has designed some of the most fug ugly team uniforms ever. And it's not exactly clear whether you're joining Ralph Lauren the actual human being designer or something else, as the description does say that you'll be "traveling with this renowned American brand."

But the trip for two does include three nights in an (unspecified) luxe hotel (hopefully bedbug-less), and dinner at Ralph's restaurant in Paris, which features American cuisine, which is definitely what you want to be eating when you're in Paris. I mean, who doesn't love a good burger and/or Maryland crab cakes?

When you're at Ralph's, you and your traveling companion will be kitted out in a Ralph Lauren outfit. Plus there's a lot of other RL clothing, including the uniforms for the Opening and Closing Ceremonies, which you'll get to attend. Plus you can hang out with the athletes (including legacies, along with sponsors and guests) at the Team USA House.

This experience might be worth it if you got to actually walk in the parade of nations for the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. Now that would be an experience. Alas, you'll be sitting in the stands like all the other Olympic fans and wannabes.

Yachting Treasure Hunt through Indonesia with Pelorus ($485,000)

Back in the half-a-mil range, there's a nine-day adventure for you and five friends that will take you to Bali and from there on an "experiential yacht expedition." Your first couple of days you'll be chillaxing with spa treatments, kayaking, diving and "immersing yourself in local communities and traditions."

Then, while savoring a private candlelit dinner in a secluded cove, a message in a bottle will signal the start of your treasure hunt.

The treasure hunt's clues will take you on a wend around Indonesia's islands and a jungle hike. At he end of the treasure hunt - and I'm pretty sure they don't let you miss any of the clues - there's a $150K voucher for N-M jewelry. As an extra-added feature, the yacht uses biodiesel fuel and "four-stroke outboard motors on tenders, which allow them to run cleanly and more economically." You know what would be cleaner and more economically? Not flying six people to Bali to swan around the Indonesian archipelago.

Cannes & Carats with Chopard ($500,000)
If you've got that half-mil for a Christmas splurge, you really like jewelry a lot more than what you could get at N-M for a paltry $150K worth of voucher, this experience might be your thang. You get a whopping $500K voucher to on a unique piece of Chopard something-or-other.

The rest of the experience: luxury hotel, a ticket to the Cannes Film Festival, a walk on the red carpet (after you've had your hair and makeup professionally done), hanging around "the famous Chopard rooftop at the Hôtel Martinez, as well as food and drinks from 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m."

What happens at 7:00 p.m., I wonder? You're on your own snacking out of the Hôtel mini-fridge? And speaking of on your own, this appears to be an experience for one. Nothing wrong with solo traveling, but I'd feel like a goof walking the red carpet on my own.

All this fantasizing? I'm just exhausted. Back with Part 2 tomorrow.

Going to extremes

As long as there's been tourism, there's been tourism for the rich. 

In fact, when tourism was first a thing, it was pretty much exclusively for the rich. If you were a peasant hard-scrabbling a living on your piece of dirt, you probably never took a day off (other than Sunday, when you were stuck in church) or traveled more than a mile or two from where you were born. 

But nobles? They got to sail off to parts unknown to the peasants. 

The only non-rich adventure travel was done by explorers and missionaries. 

In the mid-19th century, with the rise of a middle class, vacation travel became popular, but the best of it was, of course, reserved for the well to do. They got to pack their trunks and take the Grand Tour of Europe. 

Late twentieth century tourism went mass market. People started taking vacations; they started going places. Many of us reversed the travel of our grandparents and great-grandparents. They emigrated from Europe for economic opportunity; we went back, guidebooks in hand, to look around. The more adventurous among us - which would not include me - went on African safaris, toured Angor Wat, flew to Rio by the Sea-o, soaked it up in Bali. 

But for the wealthy, none of this pedestrian middle-class tourism was enough to satisfy the travel bug. After all, what's the big thrill of seeing the Cliffs of Moher or lighting a candle in Notre Dame if Maureen Rogers can afford to do it.

Thus the rise of extreme tourism, which the recent implosion of the OceanGate Titan submarine shone a glaring spotlight on.

And if you thought that travel agents had gone the way of switchboard operators, you've got another think coming. 

Kristin Chambers is a Boston-based extreme-travel agent, or as they're better known, travel consultants. Because when someone's big-spending, you're not agenting, you're consulting.

“There’s always those that are really looking to up-level and go where almost no one on Earth can go,” said Chambers, who runs the Newbury Street firms D.A. Luxury Travel and TRAVELLUSTRE. “They’ve been super successful in their careers. They’ve accomplished, accomplished, accomplished. So, what’s next?” (Source: Boston Globe)

Extreme tourists are paying what is to me an extreme amount of money to up-level. The Titan tourists sprung for $250K per for their rendezvous with destiny. 

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ company Blue Origin routinely brings paying customers to near-space for a rumored $1 million. Climbers are flocking to Mount Everest in record numbers, with some paying six figures for “fully custom” experiences. And amateur adventurers can now get to the North and South poles in just days — a trip that would take months a few decades ago.

A plunge to rubberneck at the Titanic's remains will probably be off-limits for a while, but if abyss-level deep sea is your thing, there are tours to the Mariana Trench for $750K.

Extreme tourists tend to be male, aged 40-60, and as Chambers noted, they're accomplished, accomplished, accomplished. And competitive, competitive, competitive. 

Modern adventurers don’t just want to scale Everest anymore. They also tackle the “Seven Summits,” a series of trips to the tallest peaks on every continent. Then both poles. And then the “Second Seven,” the world’s next-highest peaks, just to be in even more exclusive company.

Eric Larsen runs tours to the North and South Poles.  

“There’s a desire to be unique and distinctive from everyone else. That’s where you get into this race to do all these things,” Larsen said. “They’ve got something they’re trying to prove.”

But Larsen worries that something is lost when modern navigation and aviation make visiting the Earth’s farthest reaches as convenient as booking a dinner reservation — albeit a very expensive one.

At the highest tiers, he said, adventures just aren’t what they used to be.

“If you go to space, are you an adventurer because you sit in a rocket and get flown there?” he said. 

But some extreme tourists don't want to just sit on their arse and get space shot. They want to really court danger.  

Shannon Stowell runs the Adventure Travel Trade Association, which had among its members the ill-fated OceanGate Expeditions. He's heard some pretty strange requests:

One client said she wanted to travel to Mexico, then link up with a smuggler and illegally cross the US border, just for the thrill.

“We gave that a hard ‘No,’” Stowell said. “We said, there’s no way we’re going to be involved in anything, first of all, illegal, and second, insane.”

So much for the 40-60 male demographic. I guess illegal and insanity knows no gender bounds. Bet she could have found some cartel member who would have obliged her. Or at least taken the money off her and dumped her body in the Rio Grande. 

There's extreme tourism, then there's really going to extremes.