Friday, March 14, 2014

Swag baggery. (Hooray for Hollywood.)

While I seldom watch more than a few minutes of The Oscars, every couple of years, I am always interested in what’s in the annual swag bag that the begowned and betuxed attendees are given.

After all, who among us doesn’t like a swag bag?

It doesn’t even have to have all that much swag in it.

I’m happy to get a nylon mesh bag of Jordan almonds, or a chance on winning the floral centerpiece. A pen and a notepad. A teeny-tiny bottle of bubbles.

Despite my modest swag bag requirements, I was more than happy to gain a glimpse into this year’s Oscar goodie bag when the news came out a few weeks back. Especially once I learned that the bag was worth $80K – quite a lift over the $55K bag of 2013. (This is either an indicator of an uptick in the economy, or yet another marker of the widening gap between the haves and the have nots. You pick.)

I must say that some of the gifts are not exactly universally useful.

I mean, even among the vain and vainglorious Hollywood set, how many actually need or want a $16K robotic hair transplant system? Especially one that you have to pay taxes on. I suppose you could turn around and sell it on the secondary market. Or donate it to a charity that provided succor to the bald.

If the robotic hair system had less than universal appeal, that can probably not be said of the $1,571 worth of electrolyte pet therapy “in the form of supplements and sprays, to help improve their quality of life.” I know it’s Washington, DC, they’re talking about when they say, “In this town, if you want a friend, get a dog.” But I’m guessing the same is true in Los Angeles, as well.

So far, we’ve got man (bald men, at least), and man’s best friend covered.

Well, the swag bag stuffers seemed to have heeded their inner Abigail Adams and remembered the ladies, too, with something called an O-Shot. Valued at $2.7K, the O-Shot’s promise is “enhancing [female] sexual response and increasing libido.”

No more Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

O, my.

If our movie star friends needs a get away after these exhausting hair transplants and o-shots, they can enjoy $27.5K worth of vacation:

How does a 5-night stay in a two-bedroom villa in Kauai sound? Or a 2,500 square-foot suite in Mexico? A two-day ride on an overnight Rocky Mountaineer train through Western Canada, or a $15,000 walking tour of Japan?

Okay. Kaui and Japan are probably pretty safe places. And there’s no crime in Canada, correct?

But Mexico can be pretty scary, eve140218160817-oscar-gifts-mace-brand-340xan with ‘El Chapo’ Guzman under arrest. So the his and hers mace set, while only worth $120, may well be worth a lot more if you get caught up in some cartel crossfire. And you gotta love the tertiary sex characteristics here: the camo mace gun for him, the Barbie-pink for her.

And forget Brita. The bag includes a $2.7K Krystal Klear Water Filtration System. (This may be the only time in marketing/product history that a luxury item used the low-brow k-instead-of-c konvention convention.)

Rounding out the swag bag contents are a $230 leather iPhone case; a $10K pet food donation to the star’s animal shelter of choice; a $2.5K home spa system; and – at the very low end – $39 worth of Hydroxycut gummies.

Hooray for Hollywood!

Source: Money/CNN.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

But you left out the best one, the DrainWig plug for $6.49. Two of them in fact. So if all those hair transplants don't hold, your Hollywood locks don't clog your golden shower drain. That didn't come out right did it?