Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Poopourri? Who needs industrial might when you can produce stuff like this?

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m delighted that I live in a country where raw sewage doesn’t free flow in the gutters.

I’m more than happy that the average American uses deodorant.

I think toothpaste with a boost of breath freshener is a darned good idea.

I’m glad I’m not in Naples with big black bags of festering garbage piled up a couple of stories high.

I like it that I don’t live on the Ponderosa with the Cartwrights, who over 14 years or so never, ever, ever managed to change their clothing.

And I have no problem with someone keeping a can of Lysol of Febreeze in the loo.

But do we really and truly need Poo-Pourri? Really? Truly?

Spritz the bowl before-you-go and no one else will ever know.

Leave the toilet smelling better than you found it.

Girls don’t poop.

How’s do you like them (road) apples for a brand promise?

Poo-Pourri, for those who haven’t had the pleasure:

…is a blend of essential oils that virtually eliminates bathroom odors! Our award-winning before-you-go® sprays come in a variety of scents and sizes.

Those scents actually sound more like flavors – blood orange, ruby grapefruit, cassis, tangerine, lemongrass… Delicioso!

How it works – instructions do always come in handy, even when the process is simple – is that you spritz a “protective layer of essential oils” that “keeps embarrassing odors buried under water.” You then “poo”, and that “protective layer” substitutes “pleasant aromas” for “nasty odors.”

“There’ll be no aerosol cover-up for you!”

Out, out, damned Lysol! Febreeze begone! Bring on the Bergamot and Ruby Grapefruit flavors scents.

The web site is pretty tongue in cheek (ewwww, forget I just wrote that), but I can imagine that being their copy writer gets boring fast. I imagine that there are only so many “holy crap” jokes you can make.

But there are plenty of varieties to flex your copywriting pecs on, with specific products aimed at different demographics. Including kids, with pink Sooper Dooper Pooper for girls and blue Sooper Dooper Pooper for boys. Ah, yes, get ‘em while they’re young and make sure they’re fussy, neurotic, self-conscious, and prissy. Excellent!

For the big gals, there’s Daisy Doo and Heaven Scent.

And apparently there are guys who don’t want anyone to know they poo, either, as there’s guy stuff, like Trap-a-Crap and Crap Shooter.

The testimonials would do any marketing director proud.

This is probably one of the best and most useful products ever invented that actually works!–Mary Anne Craft

I don’t know, Mary Anne. Toilets themselves works. As do telephones. And pencils. And they’re all pretty darned useful.

This item should be in every home in America! It is as essential as toilet paper. Seriously this is the best invention since indoor plumbing.” –Francijean

Come now, Francijean.

Better than the Internet? Better than M&M’s? Better than pantyhose?

Poo-Pourri is a miracle that has saved marriages.  People live by and for these products.  It has even changed lives:

“I am no longer uncomfortable using a public bathroom. I feel very confident in knowing that the restroom will always smell amazing.” -Nicole Tomlinson, Jacksonville Beach, FL

Well, I’m never particularly comfortable having to do the doo in a public bathroom. Particularly a public-public bathroom, like in the airport. But, hey, sometimes it happens. And I’m confident enough not to give it a worry.

Like McDonald’s used to, Poo-Pourri keeps a running tab of how many have been sold.

Over 4 million.

That’s an awful lot of stocking stuffers. Is there a company here with real legs? Are Americans so self-conscious that Poo-Pourri is a viable long term business?

Forget the auto industry. Forget refrigerators. Forget TVs.

We’ve got the market cornered on bathroom necessities.

Made in the USA!

Talk about industrial might!

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