My town and state typically rank pretty high when it comes to rankings based on objective reality. Health, wealth, education…we tend to end up near the top. Sure, there are some measures where, objectively speaking, we show less well. Traffic and weather are a couple that come to mind. But mostly, on the matters that matter, we come out pretty well.
For subjective rankings, it depends.
People like to visit Boston, but we also make the Top Ten when it comes to the rudest cities. (Who you callin’ rude, bub?)
But I just saw the results of one of these ultra-subjective polls in which Boston placed ludicrously high.
In a survey run by travel company Big 7 across its 1.5 million social media followers, the Boston accent was ranked the second sexiest in the country.
"One of America’s most imitated and parodied accents, Boston almost comes out on top of the country’s sexiest accents. And yes, just like Mahhhhk Wahlberg, locals really do say 'pahk yuh cahr in hahvuhd yahd'." Big 7 said in its rankings.
Huh?
Maybe if we’re talking about JFK’s upper-crust, faked-up Boston accent. (I don’t think anyone but the Kennedys ever spoke like that in real life.)
But Sully from Gate a Heavin in Southie? Droppin’ those g’s. Droppin’ those r’s. Addin’ those r’s where they don’t belong. (I always get a kick out of Boston boy Lawrence O’Donnell’s pronunciation of Cuba: Cuber.)
Sure, it’s wicked pissah to find your home town accent ranked 2nd sexiest something. But WTF?
And Maine is the 4th sexiest? Yet another resounding ‘huh’ going off in my head. Ayuh? Nah…
Number 1 – Texas - I can kind of see. Or hear. Let’s face it. Cowboys are sexy. (As long as you don’t think about how they must smell, and as long as you overlook the bowlegs.) George Strait is sexy. Tommy Lee Jones is sexy. So, Texas. Yep.
But Number 3 is New York, and Number 5 is Chicago.
Talk about pick your poison.
With all apologies to my Chicago relatives, the Midwest accent is pretty much a screwdriver in the ear.
And New York? Fuggedabouit.
Bottom to top, here’s the full list for you – with my snidery, where I have something to say.
50th. Long Islander (Lon Guylind? With 50 choices, I can see how this would come in 50th, although I would have ranked New Jersey lower.)
49th. New Jersey (Unfamiliar with the New Jersey accent? Not if you ever watched five minutes of Jersey Shore back in the day. Or sang along wtih Bruce Springsteen’s Sherry Darling: “To all the girls down at Sak-er-ed Hawt.” That would be Sacred Heart to you non-New Jersey types.)
48th. Minnesotan Right up there with the worst of the Midwest, with sing-song thrown in for good measure.)
47th. Alaskan Other than Sarah Palin, I can’t place this one at all. But based on SP, 47th seems about right.
46th. California Valley Is this, like, like Valley Girl?
45th. Southern Ohio
44th. Floridian
43rd. Pittsburgh Don’t know the accent, but they have given us a completely excellent word in jagoff, Pittsburgh for jerk.
42nd. Cincinnati
41st. Pennsylvania Dutch This seems like it would be more buzzkill than sexy.
40th. Appalachian
39th. Colorado
38th. Providence Providence???
37th. Tallahassee
36th. Ozark I’m thinking Deliverance? So hell, no.
35th. “Hoi Toider” What? Come to find out this is High Tider – the North Carolina Outer Banks.
34th. San Francisco
33rd. Hudson Valley
32nd. General American
31st. Atlanta I actually don’t like the Southern accent at all. It frightens me. Not a turn on.
30th. New Mexican
29th. Milwaukee Who decides the Chicago accent is sexier than the Milwaukee accent. Is there actually a difference? My guess is Chicago does better because, as a city - accent aside - it’s a ton sexier than Milwaukee.
28th. Western
27th. Charleston See Atlanta.
26th. Kentucky See Deliverance.
25th. New Orleans Forget everything I said about the Southern accent. Think Dennis Quaid in The Big Easy.
24th. Oklahoma Too Tom Joad-y
23rd. Cleveland
22nd. Connecticut
21st. Kansas
20th. Tennesseean See Deliverance.
19th. Virginia Piedmont
18th. Baltimorese Sounds terrible.
17th. Alabama
16th. Midwestern
15th. Cajun Maybe Cajun’ is what Dennis Quaid is about.
14th. Yooper Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Can’t help but believe this is echt Midwest.
13th. Miami
12th. Chicano Only when sung.
11th. Northwestern Is there one?
10th. Californian Too beach-boy.
9th. St. Louis
8th. Philadelphia If you don’t mind gazoline rather than gasoline.
7th. Hawaiian
6th. Mississippi
For the below, see above.
5th. Chicago
4th. Mainer
3rd. New York
2nd. Bostonian
1st. Texan
Were there people surveyed who actually had enough knowledge of regional accents to actually rank all 50 of these places?
Or did they just pick a couple and this is how it all ended up.
Maybe people from the South can distinguish Mississippi from Alabama, but I sure can’t. (On the other hand, I can tell Eastern Massachusetts from Western Mass, and Rhode Island from Maine.)
I’m guessing that Cincinnati might be a little more Southern than Cleveland, but I don’t know this for a fact.
Who other than Hoi Toiders and Yoopers know enough to rank the sexiness of Hoi Toider and Yooper?
Anyway, it’s nice to get recognized, but Boston as the second sexiest accent in the US. Really? Maybe when compared to Lon Giland. Or maybe it’s that, other than Texas, there’s nothing very sexy about any one accent. After all, isn’t sexy about what’s being said and who’s saying it?
1 comment:
To clarify: while (with apologies to my many fine Chicago relatives, including my late mother) I do find the Chicago accent akin to a screwdriver in the ear, I perhaps didn't come down hard enough on the local (Boston) accent. As spoken by many a son/daughter of Southie, Charlestown, Dorchester, etc., the Boston accent is like a screwdriver to the brain. Absolutely moronic.
For anyone who hasn't had the pleasure, I highly recommend Seth Meyers brilliant trailer for "Boston Accent." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLwbzGyC6t4 I've watched it many times, and still laugh.
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