Flights of fancy

The other day, I came across an article on Paleofuture/Gizmodo about defunct airlines that failed, not for the usual reasons - bad at business, just plain unlucky - but because they were just too weird to survive.

I wasn’t familiar with most of the airlines on their “incredibly weird” list.

MGM Grand Air was around from the late 1980’s through the mid 1990’s. No surprise that I have no recall of this lap of luxury outfit. It flew only from LA to NY, and one-way tickets cost $1,400 ($2,800 inflation-adjusted).

Their pitch was that they were almost equivalent of having a private jet. Flights had no more than 33 passengers, attended to by 5 flight attendants. Passengers included Madonna and Axl Rose.

The airline flew the Boeing 727-100 and the DC-8-62, and every seat was deemed first class. The interior of the Boeing planes were outfitted in gaudy 80s style finishes, something that might be described as just one step below Trump-esque.

Trump-esque? Sorry I missed it.

And missing from the list? Trump Shuttle.

I flew to NYC pretty regularly, mostly on what was the Eastern Shuttle, which somewhere along the way became Trump Shuttle. So I’m pretty sure I was on the Trump Shuttle, as I pretty much hit all the odd-ball shuttles at one point or the other: People’s Express, The Big Apple (bright red planes).

Anyway, since, as pundit Rick Wilson has told us, Everything Trump Touches Dies, it’s not surprising that Trump managed to run the Trump Shuttle into the ground.

It’s actually pretty easy to fail at the airline biz. Wither People’e Express and The Big Apple? Now failing with a casino, that takes a bit more doing.

Smokers Express popped up in 1993, shortly after smoking was banned on flights.

The Baltimore Sun laid out the appeal of the airline in an April 2, 1993 article:

In addition to uninterrupted smoking from takeoff to landing, Smokers Express promises competitive fares, free cigarettes, free headphones and movies, a free Lotto ticket, steaks and hamburgers—and no screaming, aisle-racing, chair kicking children (passengers must be 21 or older).

Just the thought of non-stop smoking on a flight makes my stomach heave.

I remember those days when you could get a non-smoking seat right in front of the smoking section. That really helped. And when you had to use the toilet. Gag!

One time, my husband and I were on a flight and the women seated next to us lit up. We kindly told her that she was sitting in Non-Smoking. Her answer: there were no seats available in Smoking. Not our problem, honey!

Don’t miss those days, for sure.

Anyway, Smokers Express never raised enough money to get off the ground.

The Lord’s Airline is another one I managed to miss. “Fly the heavenly skies” was their motto, and their overarching theme was providing a “Judeo-Christian atmosphere,” with Bibles for Christians and Torahs for Jews.

The airline planned to fly three times a week from Miami to Jerusalem. And yes, the back of every seat was supposed to have a plaque with the Ten Commandments and there would even be in-flight religious classes for kids. All the movies would be religious, of course, and alcohol would be strictly forbidden.

Bet those in-flight religious classes would have been wildly popular. But we never got to find out, because the Lord’s Airline never took flight. But not before investors and founders got to feuding, accusing each other of being in cahoots with the devil.

On the other side of the sacred-profane continuum, Casino Express Airlines actually lasted for quite a while – 16 years flying gamblers for next to nothing between Elko, Nevada and cities in the west and on the west coast.

The airline helped bring 40,000 people a year to small northern Nevada town of Elko, which currently has a population of just 20,000 people and relies heavily on gambling tourism.

It might have been good for Elko and its casino, but the airline eventually ran out of runway.

Remember the days before Me, Too?

There was once an airline called Hooters Air, that used Hooters girls, pardon me, Hooters brand ambassadors, to serve food and drink on their flights. They weren’t actually trained and certified as flight attendants, so that’s all they could do.

Hooters Air served places like Allentown, PA, Columbus, OH, and Gary, IN.

In other words, places that most real airlines didn’t want to fly to.

Hooters Air only lasted a few years. They are survived by the restaurant chain that bears its name.

Not sorry I missed any of these gems.

And not sorry that, today, I’m taking the train to NYC.