Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What's in your spam filter?

If there's one Internet-ish thing I don't get it is who on earth actually responds to crazy spam e-mails?

Presumably, somebody must, or they wouldn't be sent out in such insanely prodigious amounts. But I just don't get it. An e-mail comes in from a complete stranger - say, Blake Fontenot, - offering you the opportunity to "obtain huge dic'k" and there's actually a living, breathing, sentient human being out there who says to himself, 'Hey, I may not know Blake Fontenot, but I sure wouldn't mind hearing a little more about what he has to offer."

Who are these people?  Are they nuts? (Senders and responders.)

Most of my spam comes to my gmail address, where the spam filter catches almost all of it.

Occasionally, I stroll through - never clicking on anything, but just taking a look at what's being offered. And enjoying some of the more interesting and colorful names.

So what's in my spam filter?

I guess I'm a laggard here, but it's only recently that I've gotten on the list for all the male genitalia related offers. Forget Viagra and Cialis. Ward V. Griggs wrote to let me know that my new penis is waiting for me.

Gosh, Ward, a new penis? I hadn't realized that I needed one. I mean, I've gotten along without one for my whole, entire life.

Some of the mail headers read like bad porn. Or what I imagine bad porn would read like, since I actually haven't read any porn, good or bad. Genevieve Field: you should be ashamed of yourself.

One fellow sent me greetings, asking me if I like "german har...", but I was reluctant to click on this and see what "har..." turned into. That message, I'm sure, would have come to no good.

Of course, it's not all X rated.

There are a lot of people out there sending me confirmation for my pharmacy orders.

You must have the wrong Maureen Rogers.

The one and only prescriptions I've gotten during the last year - both filled at the friendly, neighborhood non-chain pharmacy - were for a) an ear infection; b) pain reliever for my broken arm. Which made me so groggy and rope-a-doped that I only took three of them, without dispensing of the rest of the pills.

The e-mails letting me know that my loan - make that !oan - has been approved seem almost quaint and wholesome.

But, again, who gets an e-mail about a drug order or loan application they didn't make and responds to it?

I know that the numbers must be there, or no one would bother to send our spam. I suppose if it only costs a few cents to blast out a million e-mails, and you get a couple of live-ones to respond, you're golden.

But who in their right mind responds?

The world is, indeed, a strange and mysterious place.

No, I'm more of an off-the-shelf kind of guy, and not much of that, even.

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