Presenting the 2022 Oscar's Swag Bag

I wasn't watching the Oscars the other night, so I missed Will Smith giving Chris Rock the open-handed slap in the face for making fun of Jada Pinkett Smith's alopecia - a slap heard round the world. However mean/lame/stupid/crass/insulting the joke was, I'm not in favor of someone resorting to violence because a comedian made them the butt of their mean/lame/stupid/crass/insulting joke. I suppose we should be glad that Will Smith, who played Muhammed Ali in the movie Ali a while back, didn't use his fist. That might have done some real damage.

Needless to say, social media went bonkers when this went down. I learned about it a minute or so after it occurred when I took at break from watching a couple of episodes of the Netflix series Inventing Anna to glance at my Twitter feed, which I do regularly to check whether Zelensky's still alive and whether Trump's been indicated. (Inventing Anna is a a quasi-fictionalized accounting of the life and times of Anna Delvey, a Manhattan scam artist and fashion icon who conned a lot of very important people into believing she was a German heiress. The show is goofy but entertaining. Sort of like the Oscars, in that respect.)

All sorts of people are weighing in on whether Will Smith was being "chivalrous" - what a word! - or should have been arrested, or at least thrown out of the Oscar audience. Which means he wouldn't have been there to win his Best Actor Award for playing Richard Williams, father of tennis greats Venus and Serena in the biopic King Richard. (The Academy is still trying to figure out what to do about Smith's non-Best Actor performance; Chris Rock has declined to press charges.)

Lost in all this shuffle was the one thing I do like to focus on when it comes to the Academy Awards: the contents of the annual swag bag.

This is a bag o' loot that those nominated for major awards get to take home, either in addition to their statue, for folks like Will Smith, or as a consolation prize for those who didn't get called to the podium and get to make an acceptance speech, in which the flap-happy Smith said "I want to be a vessel for love." Well, he could have started by not slapping Chris Rock, but maybe he meant moving forward. 

Anyway, this is the 20th year that Distinctive Assets, the marketing company owned by the brilliantly named Lash Fary - can this possibly be his real name? was he named for cowboy actor Lash LaRue, who was never nominated for an Oscar? - has come up with a bag stuffed full of goodies that make sure that everyone - at least everyone nominated for the big awards (best actor/actress, best supporting actor/actress, best director) - goes home a winner. 

The bag is always "worth" a lot - this year it's valued at $140K - and the giftees need to pay tax on it, so it's a mixed bag for the giftees. (For those whose wares are included in the bag, it's a great marketing ploy.) But I'm guessing you don't need to pay taxes on a $50K stay at a castle in Scotland if you don't actually stay there. 

That $50K Scots vakay covers three nights at Turin Castle. 

Guests who accept the offer will have full access to the 17th century castle, complete with butler service and a bagpiper welcome when they arrive. (Source: CNBC)

Alas, this gift was donated in anticipation that Denzel Washington might win Best Actor for playing MacBeth. Instead of MacBeth doth coming, it was Will Smith as Richard Williams. 

The castle stay wasn't the only Scotland-themed gift. Winners also found the deed to a small plot of land in Scotland in their bag, along with a Lord or Lady title. 

Baggers will be able to take advantage of:

A $12,000 “Celebrity Arms” liposuction procedure from cosmetic surgeon Dr. Thomas Su...[And] up to $10,000 worth of “treatments and rejuvenation procedures” from Dr. Konstantin Vasyukevich...[And] a $1,200 life coaching session with wellness expert Kayote Joseph.

Maybe next year's bag will include some anger management classes.  

For those who don't want to travel to Scotland, there's a $15K four-night stay at a luxury resort/spa in California. I suppose you could stay there while Maison Construction works on the $25K worth of home renovations they're providing. I'm guessing that $25K worth of renovations doesn't go very far in Hollywood - maybe a closet do-over? - so four days away from home for the project to be complete should do it. 

There are a number of smaller items including tea, "gold-infused" olive oil, popcorn, kids' books, a few toys, and:

Anti-aging supplements from spermidineLIFE 

Spermidine? I'd just as soon age. 

Deluxe salad-infused skincare kit 

 Salad-infused skincare? What???? And does one use it in conjunction with the spermidine?

Limited-edition set of Trust Me Vodka bottles

Trust me, I would never accept a drink from someone who offered to make me a Cape Codder using Trust Me Vodka. 

I didn't see it on any list, but in a picture I saw of the gift bag contents, there was an inflatable orca from PETA with "Seaworld Blows" written on it.

Not sorry I missed the Oscars. Not sorry I missed Chris Rock's joke. Not sorry I missed Will Smith's reaction to it. And even though the thought of getting my arms liposuctioned into celebrity shape, not sorry I didn't get a swag bag.