Friday, March 31, 2017

“Retail outrage of the day”

It’s not that I’m opposed to dropping a reasonable amount of coin on an article of clothing. Decades ago, when menswear suits for women (oy!) were all the rage, I “invested” in a number of very pricey suits. I’m too lazy to look up the inflation numbers and fast forward what those suits would cost today – if anyone were daffy enough to buy one – but the answer would be: A Lot.

Not that I’m exactly a dedicated follower of fashion, but when these “penis envy” suits went completely out of style, and more casual dress completely pervaded the tech community, I stopped wearing them. And breathed a big sigh of relief. For a while I kept them around, wearing the skirts with sweaters, and the jackets with jeans. But that wore thin, and they went into the donation pile, and likely ended up being ragged.

I have also purchased some pretty expensive sweaters over the year. (If you’ve ever looked at the Peruvian Connection catalog, you know what I’m talking about.) But here’s the thing with those expensive sweaters: they last. I still wear one that I bought in 1989.

So, when I make fun of the Ben Taverniti Unravel Project, it’s not about the money. Okay, I wouldn’t pay $975 505006939_1_BottomCropFrontfor a pair of jeans to begin with. (Well, maybe a pair of jeans that would make my jean-wearing body look like it did in my twenties.) But my real problem with these jeans is that they’re ridiculous.

Made in Italy, Ben Taverniti Unravel Project's blue cotton denim inside-out crop jeans are distressed with rip details at the knee. The style is finished with "To create something new you must first destroy" lettering at the right inside-out pocket. (Source: Barney’s)

My favorite feature is that “lettering at the right inside-out pocket.”

Sorry, but “to create something new you must first destroy” is about as hogwashy a bit of hogwash as I’ve ever seen. It’s apparently borrowed from Prometheus, a sci-fi movie I know absolutely nothing about. But I do know a fair amount about hogwash.

I once worked for a company that farmed out the development of an overarching corporate brochure to some outside “creatives.” I was asked to give it a read to see if it accurately reflected our products and services.. I could barely get by the opening line, which was something along the lines of “all ideas are brilliant, they are to be extolled, cherished, praised.” Well, it took me about a nano-second to come up with a whole laundry list of bad ideas, starting with the copy for the new brochure.

Anyway, I’m wondering if there’s really a market for $975 jeans that are inside out and have nonsense printed on them.

I do realize that, whether it exists or not, I’m not the target for this item.

Among other things, the highest size is L, and they’re already out. As a size 12, I’m normally an  M or an L. But in the world of Unravel, I’m an XXL. And they don’t make these suckers in XXL. By the way, their L maps to men’s jeans size 29. Only in the world of high fashion would someone wearing size 29 pants be considered an L. When I could fit into size 29 jeans – and there was a day, now shrouded in the mists of time, when that’s the size I wore – I was thin. When I see pictures of myself at that size, I look scrawny.

And if I’m not the audience for those “you must first destroy”, I’m OWCE038S174730157300_1_BottomCropFrontdefinitely not the audience for a pair of $1,075 Off-white c/o Virgil Abloh’s distressed boyfriend jeans.

Forget the price.

I’m way too literal to go for a pair of off-white jeans that are actually blue. And no one wants to see my knees in a peep show.

Of course, even if I wanted a pair, no can do.

Even at my scrawniest, I wouldn’t have fit in their M (men’s 28), which is the largest size they’re available in. Apparently Virgil Abloh isn’t interested in any L (men’s 29) porkers wearing his off-whites.

I will be in New York City for the weekend.

Cold and rainy is predicted, but I’ll let you know if I see anyone wearing either of the above. Maybe I’ll drop into Barney’s and give them a scare….

A tip of the Pink Slip hat, and a rip of the old jeans, to my sister Trish for providing the link and the title for this post.

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