Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Charlie Sheen: giving new meaning to the acronym P.O.S.

I have long been a fan of Martin Sheen, not only as an actor but as President of the United States. Oh, wait, I forgot for a moment. Josh Bartlett was a fictional president. Martin Sheen just played him.

As for his son?

Sorry, Charlie.

It’s been pretty much all down hill since Wall Street.

His latest act – or, as it is so often with Charlie, his latest acting out - has to do with a reign of terror he called down on a school that supposedly did nothing to stop his daughter from being bullied.

Now I can understand a parent wanting to jump in and defend his kid.

Years ago, when my niece Molly was about two, a kid about four sidled up to her as M and a bunch of other kids were enjoying jumping from rock to rock in this cool fountain-ish space in Salem. I could read that little s.o.b.’s mind and body language loud and clear. He was just itching to push Molly into the drink.

I made eye contact with the potential micreant, giving him that fabulous adult-to-kid stink eye that screams I know what you’re up to and don’t you dare even try it.

Really, if he had tried it, I had a vision of myself going over and kicking him in the butt. Not that I would have, but I completely understand that protect and defend feeling.

Still, going on twitter asking his absurdly loyal followers to attack his daughter’s former school (and to particularize the attack by using the name of the alleged bully girl) seems a bit out of control, even by Charlie Sheen standards. Here’s Charlie’s “ask”:

"If you have a rotten egg, a roll of toilet paper or some dog s**t, I urge you to deliver it with 'extreme prejudice' to the campus run by trolls and charlatans. Make me proud."
Charlie goes on: "And if you're feeling the 'show and tell' of it all, smear the s**t to spell one name on the front door: VICTORIA." (Source: TMZ)

These kids are nine, by the way. Even if this VICTORIA is a mean, snipey little beeyotch, for a grown man to call her out by name…

Wow, just wow.

Of course, Charlie – after first having defended his call to arms – is now claiming that his rant-o-rama was “merely metaphoric.”

But that wasn’t until a company that’s business is the delivery of packaged up animal business to someone’s enemies, friends, or relations, had to stop deliveries to schools in Los Angeles:

A rep for Yodish*t.com -- which lets you send poo in the mail to your friends -- tells TMZ, they've suspended all orders to L.A. schools after seeing a recent upsurge in L.A. school poo deliveries. (Source: yet another TMZ article.)

Yes, folks, as unbelievable as Charlie Sheen and his antics are, it is even more unbelievable that there is a company that specializes in mailing out shit.

Yo Dish it is based in Las Vegas, Nevada and our products are collected, and packaged and Made in the USA.

We tell it like it is. We literally are full of S#!T. We specialize in S#!T. That's what we do.

Our products are green. So green, they're brown. And all of our products are organic, 100% natural and brought to you directly from the source. And that's NO S#!T! We recycle what has already been recycled by nature. Our Product Features include;

  • Made in the USA
  • All Natural Ingredients
  • Top Quality S#!T
  • The Perfect Novelty Gag Gift
  • 100% Pure, and brought to you directly from the source

Wow. Just wow.

The once mighty U. S. of A, we the people who once churned out all that steel, all those TVs, all those sneakers, all those cars, are now proudly touting that our shit is made in the USA. (USA! USA! USA!)

Available direct, or through Amazon.

Fortunately, they only provide animal feces. But what’s to stop them from brand extension to include the human animal?

After all, if horse or bull shit makes “The Perfect Novelty Gag Gift”, how much more perfectly novel a gift would human excrement be? Talk about gag gift!

And, just in case you’re wondering, you can send your “gift” anonymously. Which I suspect was how most of Charlie’s fans were sending theirs before Yo Dish it decided that inundating a school with bags of crap was not, perhaps, the best sort of business to associate your brand with.

Not that a company that sells shit is likely to have much concern about what their brand is associated with.

In truth, they probably stopped delivering to LA because they ran out of inventory and just couldn’t keep up with demand fast enough.

Charlie’s cri du coeur – which in truth probably emanates from a place lower and further back than Charlie’s heart – was likely a great day for Yo Dish it’s business.

It’s just that it was very likely a tremendously shitty day for Charlie Sheen’s little girl.

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Thanks to my sister Trish for spotting this one.

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