Wednesday, August 11, 2021

So, who came up with the extreme (9"x5") pocketbook rule for Fenway?

Last Wednesday, I went out to Fenway Park for the Billy Joel concert - my first trip to America's Most Beloved Ballpark since September, 2019. In a few weeks, I have tickets to a Red Sox game, but this was my first time at Fenway in nearly two years.

My sister Trish had gotten the tickets, and she'd forwarded me the email stating that there's a new pocketbook policy in place. Fenway also tweeted out a bag size warning. This year, if you're bringing a bag into Fenway, the max size is 9"x5"x2". Which is about enough to fit in a phone, ID, comb, credit card, your keys, and a tampon (which, luckily, I no longer need to carry).

When I go to Fenway, I typically carry a small backpack, or a smallish Longchamps purse (14"x10") which can hold my wallet, phone, (sun)glasses, lip balm, a comb, and some Kleenex. Plus a shirt or fleece if I really stuff it in there. If it's been rainy/drizzling, I carry a fold-up nylon tote bag that contains a roll of paper towels.

But 9"x5"x2"???

What were they thinking? Who came up with this flipping rule? Surely no woman - or no woman who has attended a ballgame accompanied by children - had anything to do with this travesty of fan appreciation.

Think of the typical family of four, coming to Fenway for their annual game.

They've already spent $400 on tickets. And $50 to park. They're planning on dropping another $200+ on hotdogs, sodas (extra for the souvenir cup), Crackerjacks, Sportsbars, maybe a beer or two, and a little something for the kids to remember the excursion by, if the soda cup or the mini-plastic helmet holding the soft-serve won't cut it.

And now Mom is being stopped at the ticket gate and told that she needs to walk a half mile out of her way to check her bag.

So on top of waiting in the waiting to get in line, waiting in the hotdog line, waiting in the rest room line, waiting in the souvenir stand line, the family will have an end-of-game wait in the bag retrieval line. 

I'm going to go fully secondary sex characteristics here, but here's why Mom needs a bag that's larger than 9"x5"x 2".

As an aside, since we're always planning for every emergency that could possibly come up, most women carry plenty of things in their pocketbooks. Years ago, while on the subway, someone came over to me and said "You like the sort of person who carries stamps with you." Indeed, I was, and I happily gave her the stamp - for free, I might add - that she wanted to buy from me. Another instance: I was queuing up at the City Hall wedding annex in NYC for the wedding of a beloved young friend. I realized that, contrary to my normal policy, I didn't have any Kleenex in my pocketbook. Oh, no! What was I thinking. I knew I was going to cry! Anyway, I stopped a couple also heading in and asked the woman for some Kleenex. She, of course, had some. I didn't realize until we met up indoors with the happy couple that she was the mother of the bride of the marriage ceremony I was attending. 

Bottom line: most women carry a lot of stuff in their pocketbooks. So those pocketbooks are going to be bigger than 9" x5" x2".

Combs, brushes, hand sanitizer, a small pad, a couple of pens, bandages, a scarf. A small umbrella. 

A lot can go into a bag. 

Women who have kids in tow carry even more. So a Mom coming to a ballgame with kids is going to have stuff with her

Consider what might be in Fenway Ballgame Mom's bag, which, in truth, is likely to be a tote bag.

The usual stuff - wallet, phone, keys (perhaps held in a small purse), but also:

Hoodies/fleeces/rainjackets for the kids. Because you never know what can happen, weather-wise, over the course of a nine-inning ballgame. Sunscreen. If it's a night game, the non-sunglasses for everyone in the family who wears prescription sunglasses, because once the sun sets of Fenway...Bottles of water because, sure, you're going to buy sodas for your kids, but everyone will need to hydrate, and it's a lot cheaper to get your water bottle at 7/11 rather than spring for the outlandish price at the ballpark. A couple of bags of M&M's because, sure, you're going to buy snacks for your kids, but if you can save a bit by bringing a few things in...

Where does all this stuff go?

Sure, early on in the season you're wearing a down jacket with plenty of pockets to store things in. By June, you're pretty safe to leave your parka at home. But you still need something for the kids to put on late in the game when Mom starts feeling a bit chilly. 

Oh, you can have the kids carry their own hoody/fleece/rainjacket, but let's think this one through for a minute.

Mom may have been apprised by Dad (who most likely bought the tickets and got the policy email), so she knows all about the pocketbook fatwa. And she's clever enough to know that she can carry the hoodies/fleeces/rainjackets in a foldup nylon tote bag and give them to the kids to carry when they get nearer to the park. She can then squinch up her foldup nylon tote bag and stuff it in her pants pocket, because Dad was smart enough to inform her of the pocketbook policy, so she knew enough to wear pants with pockets in them.

Anyway, surveys - if there are any - no doubt indicate that at least fifty percent of the time, at least one kid will balk at the idea of having to carry their own hoody/fleece/rainjacket. 

Statistically speaking, about 57% of the time, when Mom informs the kids that until they get past the ticket taker, they'll need to hold their own hoody/fleece/rainjacket - a carry distance of about 10 yards -the kid will balk. This will lead to the following fun-at-Fenway scenario: Mom gives kid the 'don't go there' look and/or the 'don't go there' arm grab. Half the time, Mom will also use her words, and, statistically speaking, the most commonly used words are "We can go home right now if you want," followed by "Your father paid a lot of money for these tickets and you're going to behave yourself."

Fortunately, this will work for most kids. Sure, they may give Mom the 'I hate you' look, or pull a sullen puss, but they'll take the hoody/fleece/jacket. Or - and I hate to say it, but it'll most likely be a girl - the kid will hand the jacket to Dad, who will shrug and give Mom, who is glaring, his patented (or should be patented) 'Don't make a big deal out of it look.' The kid - and I hate to say it, but it' most likely be a girl - takes Dad's other hand and gives Mom a smug look. 

Unfortunately, some admittedly small percentage of kids will willfully or unintentionally drop the hoody/fleece/rainjacket. Fortunately - and again, fortune can smile at Fenway - most of the time a fellow ballgame goer will pick up the item and hand it to the kid and/or the Mom. Mom will ask how that item-drop happened and the kid is most likely to shrug (68% of the time), or answer "I dunno" (32% of the time).

Unfortunately, sometimes no one notices the dropped item, and Mom doesn't realized the item's been dropped until the family has moved through security and the ticket takers, and it's too late to try to go back to wherever the kid willfully or unintentionally dropped it. 

As the game progresses, one of two things will happen: the missing hoody/fleece/rainjacket won't matter, because no one but Mom is feeling the chill or the raindrops anyway. Or, the kid will start whining up a storm that they're cold or wet, and they need to head down below the stands to buy a $60 sweatshirt or a $10 rain poncho. Despite how easy it is to give in, this strategy fails to work in a remarkably hefty 90% of families. What does work is, a) family leaves; or b) kid ends up wearing Dad's hoody/fleece/rainjacket because, you know, if may not exactly be his fault, but it's sure as hell is not Mom's fault. There's a high statistical likelihood that there'll be some mention that "Your grandmother gave you that hoody/fleece/rainjacket."

This assumes that Dad has made sure to tell Mom that she couldn't bring a big bag into the ballpark. If he hadn't, the miserableness has been compounded by having to go check the big bag.

I just don't see how this ridiculous puny bag policy is going to last. 

At Yankee Stadium, you can bring in a 16"x16"x8" bag. A veritable suitcase. 

What's Fenway security afraid of? Booze? Weaponry? They've been bag searching for years? Wasn't that enough? Do they think that larger bags are more likely to contain covid? 

Ridiculous!

By the way, the concert was great. Billy Joel is a real pro, and for an old geezer - he's my age - he still has plenty of kick left in him.

Anyway, there was some light rain during the first part, but it tapered off.  Glad I had my (needed) rainjacket; didn't need the sunglasses. Carried my ID, phone, lip balm, paper towels for wet seats (needed), and an extra poncho Trish lent me (very useful for leg covering).

The bag policy seemed to be arbitrarily enforced. It looked like it depended on who you encountered at the security check in. It looked as if some women were forced to leave large bags behind; others seemed to be just waved through. We even saw one woman with a super-large, bulging tote bag that she was dragging on a luggage cart. Medical supplies? Diaper bag? Both are allowed. Whatever.

Whether they enforce it of not, it's still a stupid policy.

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