You know, sometimes I’m just out and out humiliated that my husband and I are on the lagging edge of some mighty vital e-mails.
Sure, we get as many ED and super Louis Vuitton replica missives as the next guys, but the big pay-off ones, well, harrumph, I guess we’re just not early adopters. On the contrary, by the time they get to us, the senders seem to have crossed the chasm and are pawing around with the sendees of last resort.
So let’s just say that I’m getting more than a little miffed when I go to The Google and find that some marvelous deal that we’re just hearing about now has been dangling out there for a couple of years.
Damn! I remember when our demographic was much vaunted, the apple of the eye of everything with something to sell – even if it does turn out to be the Brooklyn Bridge.
But I’m not going to cut off my nose to spite my face here. No sir-ee Bob Mueller. Not when a mere pittance of an investment of $155 is going to yield a guaranteed return of $2,500,000.00. Why, I haven’t seen that type of return since Bernie Madoff was a lad. Try matching this riskless reward, you CDO-pushers!
To some extent, I can understand why so many folks have taken a pass on this offer.
The language and tone is curt and, frankly, pretty darned pissy and nasty. But it does garner your attention. Perhaps not to the extent it would have if the note had come hand-delivered by Clyde Tolson from J. Edgar Hoover. Still, it’s not every day that one gets a threatening email from the office of Robert Mueller, at the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division of the FBI.
The nature of the threat is manifold:
Today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment, then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the FBI. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not supposed to be working for the government or any private organization…
…right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48 hours as strictly signed by the FBI director…it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the FBI.
Gosh, this would be terrible – but at least it was sent to my husband, and not me. Phew!
There was one part I didn’t really get, however:
Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insert you in their website as an internet fraudster and to warn people from having any deals with you.
Oh, I get the “crimes agencies”, and “internet fraudster” stuff – better him than me – but it’s that id in the database thing that I don’t quite understand. Come on, I know that technology makes new strides everyday, but you can’t put id in a database any more than you can put ego and super-ego. Am I right or am I right?
Or has the FBI got some new crazy techno, mind-zapping thing going here?
Gosh, it’s a big old scary world out there, isn’t it?
Scary enough, at any rate, that it will be really good to have an extra $2.5M on hand, that’s for sure.
What’s with the $2.5M, you may well be asking yourself.
Here’s the deal:
Because the person writing from the office of Robert Mueller is “a good Christian and a honest man” he would “not be happy to see [us] end up in jail and all [our] properties confiscated because [our] information was used to carry out a fraudulent transaction.”
Well, I wouldn’t want to see our properties confiscated, either – other than those high-water black exercise pants my husband wears around the house with the stupid tee-shirt with Cher on it. (Don’t ask.)
And all because he, unbeknownst to me, “forwarded [his] identity to one imposter/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with [him] to about the transfer of some illegal funds into [his] bank account.”
Some Harvard PhD in economics he – my husband, not the imposter/fraudsters in Nigeria – turned out to be, huh?
Anyway, given the evident and ardent Christianity and honesty involved here, we can get Jim (and our properties) off the hook by sending a $155 to Mark Sam Ojo in Nigeria.
The best thing about this, though, it that once we’ve gotten that check off, $2,500,000.00 in “compensation funds” will be transferred to us.
I’m sure the cynics are calling BS, but just think: if everyone in the United States could get $2.5M in exchange for a measly $155, we’d be out of the financial doldrums in no time. Forget 9-9-9 and/or tax the rich. Truly, I don’t know why none of the presidential candidates have thought of this one. (Can’t wait to run this idea passed my own personal Harvard PhD economist for his blessing.)
Of course, if we “disregard this instructions”, the FBI “shall trace and arrest” us. Which should be a bit easier than finding Whitey Bulger, given that we use our real names and have lived in the same place for 20+ years.
I’d say “come and get me, G-Men” but, then again, the email was sent to my husband, not me. And, of course, I don’t want to do any sort of unseemly, unsportsmanlike taunting that “will attract maximum arrest” and end up with Jim in court “for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges.”
Talk about trumped up charges!
Honestly, what with focusing on frequent flyer miles, watching re-runs of Bill Russell era Celtics basketball games, and scouring the ‘net for Boston restaurants that serve gluten-free, my husband just does NOT have time for any of this sort of tawdry, criminal behavior.
Do you think maybe Robert Mueller has the wrong guy?
Do you think maybe we should just take a risk and not send off that $155 to Mark Sam Ojo?
But what about that $2.5M…….
Lordy, lordy life is just one pain in the butt tough decision after another.
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Seriously folks, based on comments I’ve received when I’ve posted about other email scams, please note that this post is intended to be humorous. AND THE E-MAIL IT IS BASED ON IS A HOAX.
Either that, or it’s a brilliant parody of a Nigerian scam letter.
I know they must occasionally hit pay dirt. Why else would they keep doing it? But is there actually anyone out there who actually has $155 to his/her name who’s so gullible and naïve that they’d fall for it.
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NEBO, on the outskirts of Boston’s North End, serves excellent gluten-free food, by the way. I understand Oleana in Cambridge does as well, but we haven’t eaten there since my husband got the celiac disease diagnosis.
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