Indifference to Running

Not that I watch much college football, or churn through a lot of brain cycles thinking about it, but one of the funner things about college football is the team mascot. 

Sometimes it's a student cavorting around in a costume, like Notre Dame's Leprechaun. Sometimes it's a student cavorting around in a big-foam-head costume, like the UMass Minuteman. Sometimes it's a student cavorting around in an anthropomorphic whatever it is costume, like the Ohio State Buckeye. Sometimes it's a student cavorting around in an animal costume, like the UCal Berkeley bear. And sometimes it's an actual animal cavorting around in its birthday suit, like the Navy Goat. (Okay, the Navy Goat is sometimes a student cavorting around in a goat costume, but at other times it's the real goat deal. I'm not sure whether there's ever an actual elephant on the sidelines, but Tuft's mascot is Jumbo the elephant, originally donated to the university, in all of its stuffed majesty, by none other than P.T. Barnum.)

Among the real animal deal mascots is the University of Colorado's Buffalo, a shaggy beast always named Ralphie, even though they've all been female:

The running of Ralphie during Colorado games is one of the most famous mascot traditions in college football. Five handlers run with Ralphie, who is actually a bison, although buffalo and bison are sometimes used interchangeably. The animals can reach speeds of up to 25 mph. (Source: NY Times)

Alas, Ralphie VI ("real" name: Ember), who served for  four years, has been retired. She was put out to pasture because she ticked off Colorado fans with her nonchalant approach to cavorting on the field.

“Due to an indifference to running, typical of many mammals both four-legged and two-legged, it was determined that it was in Ember’s best interest, based on her disposition, to focus on relaxing strolls on the pasture, which is her favorite hobby,” Colorado’s announcement said.

Ember had replaced Ralphie V ("real" name Blackout), who was dispositionally the polar opposite of Ralphie VI. Blackout took to the field with gusto, so rambunctious she once pulled away from the ropes her handlers held her back with. In her later years,Blackout kept up her aggressive ways. Unlike Ember's "indifference to running," Blackout started "ignoring cues from her handlers." So, indifference to handling. Tsk, task. 

Ember will be put out to pasture with Blackout, where they can compare notes on whose approach worked better.

I'm going with Ember, who was able to weasel her way into early retirement after just four years of goldbrickin' on the job.

You don't go, girl! Maybe Emagainstber didn't like being manhandled by a bunch of cowboy-hatted students. Maybe she found crowd noise annoying. Maybe she was pissed she wasn't eligible for lucrative NIL payments. Maybe she just didn't like football. 

But maybe, just maybe, Ember's slowing the line down was a protest against using live animal mascots. It's one thing for a student to don an animal costume. They're doing it voluntarily, for the joy of supporting their team and the privilege of a can't-beat-it sideline view of the game. 

Not that there's anything natural about a student in an animal costume, but when you think about it, it's more natural than expecting a real, live animal to cavort up and down the sidelines in front of thousands of screaming fans. Personally, I'd be displaying indifference to running, too. 

Enjoy your retirement, Ember, out there at home on the rane. You've earned every bit of it.

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Image Source: AP News