Professional Cuddler? The world is a very weird place...

I've been quasi-binging my way through Billions, and am much enjoying the series, even though, with a couple of possible exceptions (emphasis on possible), the characters are all completely despicable. Watch enough episodes, and even the glimmer-of-hope characters you thought might be kinda-sorta okay turn out to be colossally flawed. Irredeemable, even. And that's saying something coming from me, given that I'm a pretty big believer in redemption. 

Anyway, one of my favorite among the amoral/immoral brigade of characters is Mike 'Wags' Wagner, the wingman to deca-billionaire Bobby Axelrod, one of the shows two protagonists. Wags is nasty, but he's occasionally so pathetic and needy that he almost becomes endearing.

At one point, Wags is going through a particularly rough period, and the resident shrink/personnel career coach at Axe Capital, Bobby Axelrod's hedge fund, sets him up with something called a professional cuddler.

As preposterous as Billions is, I sensed right away that, even if I've never heard of it, professional cuddler has to be a real thing.

Turns out, it is. 

Professional cuddlers are service providers, and the service they provide - to the tune of $40, $80, $100, even $200 (in LA, natch) an hour - is, well, cuddling. Sort of like prostitutes, without the nasty bits.

Cuddling, huh?

Not that I've got anything against cuddling. 

I mean, I like hugs. And long hugs. Arm around the shoulder. Arms linked. Hand holding with a significant other. Head on the shoulder, head in the lap with same. Cuddling as s a pre-thing (which I seem to vaguely recall). Not to mention the kind of snuggling you do with babies, toddlers, and dogs.

Admittedly, there may not be enough cuddling in my life these days. But - and here's where my half-German, half-Irish lineage likely plays a major role - not having a whole lot of cuddling in my life is not that big a deal.

Of course, I'm not everyone.

And there is apparently demand for professional cuddlers.

They have their own platforms, like Cuddle Comfort which, for over 10 years (I'm so out of it) has been offering those in need of cuddling - cuddlers who have just broken up, cuddlers who travel a lot and need some cuddling when they're on the road, the "conscious choice" singles who still crave some physical affection - can find like-minded locals for hookups (or whatever cuddle meetings are called). "We'll find you a cuddle buddy so you can start a friendship based on cuddling without any expectations of something more." And that cuddle buddy can be an amateur or a paid professional cuddler.

Part of the Cuddle Comfort pitch: 

Cuddling plays such an important role in our well-being – it's a natural antidepressant, relieves anxiety, and strengthens our immune system. The problem is we're not getting enough of it. A major hurdle is that we typically need to be in a relationship first to be afforded the opportunity to cuddle.

Thus the need for amateur, semi-pros, and professional cuddlers comes in.

The Cuddle Sanctuary is strictly for the pros. 

Professional cuddling sessions are a Rated G experience that will soothe your spirit and quiet your mind. Sessions can include hugging, spooning, holding hands, compassionate conversation, or blissful quiet.

We take a lot of care to craft each session so it’s just right for you. You get to decide just how much touch (if any) you want in a session. We can guide you through the entire experience and provide you with lots of relaxing, nurturing options. Or if you already know what you’d like to experience, we can design the session as a team.

You can even do a session virtually, though that seems kind of beside the point. 

Cuddle Sanctuary doesn't have any pros working out of Boston, but there's a local working gal, to borrow the term, named Sam, who - working out of an office near the Shop & Shop in the Boston suburb of Woburn - cuddles with all sorts of folks:

Since starting in 2015, I 've worked with people as young as 18 and as old as 72 before. I'm open to working with people older than that as well. I've worked well with people running companies, people starting their careers, and various people different work backgrounds in between. I've worked with people of various religious or spiritual belief systems as well from Orthodox Jewish to Satanists.

I do my best to be queer-friendly, trans-friendly, ESL-friendly and neurodiverse-friendly by continually educating myself. I'm increasingly aware of my privilege as a white woman in America, and I have worked with people that are black, Indian, Pakistani, Palestinian, African, Mexican, Brazilian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, and various other demographics. I do my best to educate myself on the cultural challenges people might be experiencing due to their demographics and to tailor sessions for their needs before meeting them.

Sam sounds pretty woke. It also sounds like she mostly works with men who are depressed and/or repressed and/or lonely. (Mostly too repressed for sex.) She does require that cuddlers keep their pants on. And, no, boxers and briefs are NOT considered pants. 

(I hope that Sam has a wingman in the next room when one of the cuddlees comes a calling.)

Sam also writes about being adjacent to sex work, talks about how they handle things (without handling-handling things) when a cuddlee gets aroused, and notes that "due to criminalization laws" she cannot recommend any particular sex worker at this point in time.

I dunno. I get why people avail themselves of the services of sex workers. And professional shoppers. And dog walkers. And cleaning people. Et al. But I do find it sad that there are folks out there who don't know anyone they can at least cadge an occasional hug from. And/or who maybe can't afford to pay for a massage. 

So, even though this seems like a profession that will be doomed once they perfect soft, squeezable robots, I guess it's good that professional cuddlers are out there so that folks can find a cuddle when they need one. But the world sure is a very weird place.

Just how weird a place? When I was googling around for an image, what appeared but the microbead boyfriend companion pillow. "cute and fun husband, companion or cuddle buddy - super soft body pillow with benefits." And at $42.64, the price is pretty much inline with the lower end of the professional cuddler fee scale. Too bad it seems to have just the one arm...

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Speaking of cuddling...We all called her Kay, but my German grandmother called my Aunt Kathryn "Katl," a German diminutive for Kathryn. Kay was the baby of my mother's family - 24 years younger than my mother - and I always thought that Grandma, with her thick accent, was calling her "Cuddle." A few years ago, my sister Kath broke it to me that G'ma was saying "Katl." I like my version better.