50 - make that 7 - ways to leave your lover - make that job

I've always thought there were only two, maybe three, ways to leave your job.

1. Politely give two-weeks notice, in person, meeting with your boss, accompanied by a letter to your soon-to-be-ex employer, thanking them for the wonderful years you had with there, saying you learned a lot, that you'll miss everyone, that the decision to leave was difficult, but you couldn't pass up the amazing opportunity. (There is a variant on this that is less effusive, but still lets you depart without burning any bridges.)
2. Walk out the door in a no-notice huff. (There is a variant on this in which you metaphorically put your Bic lighter to the metaphorical fuse of a metaphorical hastily assembled Molotov cocktail and metaphorically hurl the metaphorical Molotov cocktail at the metaphorical bridge, pausing long enough to turn to make sure that the metaphorical bridge is in metaphorical flames.)

Oh, I suppose there's a third option, where you drop dead at work. (This actually happened when I worked at Wang. A guy who worked on my floor/in my tower, had a heart attack and died in his cubicle as we all awaited Wang pulling the triggers on a major layoff.)

While the third option can be deployed with any sort of job, the talk with your boss plus the two-week-notice letter, whether effusive or curt, is generally used for professional positions. The walk out in a huff - at least in my experience - is reserved for waitressing jobs.

But Monster.com, the monster job website, citing an old 2016 article in the Harvard Business Review, recently informed us that, while Paul Simon offered us 50 ways to leave your lover, they could provide us a more modest seven ways to leave your job.

The first is the "By the Book" way, more or less my catch-all Number 1, other than that they just have it down as a verbal one-on-one with your manager, not a written letter. 

Consider this your default approach. It ticks all the boxes: It's respectful, professional, and gives your employer time to prepare for your grand exit. (Source: Monster) 

You should use this one if you generally had good workplace relationships, liked the job well enough, etc.

There second option is called "The Grateful Quit." It's a variation on a theme of "By the Book," only you use it:

...when you want to end your job on a positive note and acknowledge that your supervisor or co-workers have gone above and beyond to make your time at your job really excellent.

Hmmmm. I'm looking back on my long career, and - while I almost always enjoyed my colleagues, and even most (but definitely not all) of my managers (if not the companies themselves) - I can honestly not come up with any situation in which my "supervisor or co-workers have gone above and beyond to make your time at your job really excellent," other than always having been fortunate enough to have friends I could close the door with - and, yes, my friend V, you are coming to mind here -  and howl about workplace idiocies (and idiots). But I don't think that's the sort of thing that Monster/HBR have in their minds when they talk about making time at the job really excellent. But maybe this is just me. 

Monster/HBR do caution not to use the gratitude approach if it's not true. 

The "In-the-Loop Quit" should be used if you'd given our manager a head's up that you were going to be looking for a new job. And now you've found it. 

Avoid this approach if you're leaving for a direct competitor or you're concerned about an early dismissal from your current job.

I have a variant on an "In-the-Loop" story. In the run up to the big Wang layoff - the one that left a colleague dead on his cubicle floor - I told my boss that I was looking for a job, and that he should put my name on the layoff list to spare someone who actually wanted to stay at Wang. He didn't listen to me, and a couple of weeks after the layoff that more than decimated our team, I had my "In-the-Loop Quit" convo with him.

Nothing to do with In-the-Loop, and everything to do with "leaving for a direct competitor," this one also reminds me of situation in my past.

I worked for a few years for a large web hosting company. This was early on in the dot.com era, and things were wild. At one point, a number of folks left my group for an archrival. None of them revealed where they were heading, but we all figured it out pretty fast - even in those days before LinkedIn, we had our ways... (One way was actually calling the switchboard at the rival and asking for "X.") The archrival was nearing an IPO, and everyone decamped hoping that they were going to become rich. Maybe some of them did. The company had a successful IPO and their share price skyrocketed. But within a year or so, the company got bought out for a buck a share. Presumably, some of the defectors got out while the gettin' was good, but I'm thinking that most of them were richer on paper than they ever got to be in real life. (Wish I could remember the name of the person I called looking for. I can picture her. Martha Something-or-Other.)

Of course, at the archrival company, they at least had a get-rich-quick chance. Our company's IPO was doomed from the get-go, with the share price beginning its rapid tumble to zero shortly after the opening bell on Day One. 

"The Perfunctory Quit" is a pared down version of the "By-the-Book" option. It's the "just the facts" - I'm leaving - without any explanation of why you're leaving, where you're going, etc. This is the recommended approach if you fear that your manager/company might sabotage you at your next job, which explains why you shouldn't reveal where you're going, but doesn't really address why you're leaving, unless it's that you fear your manager/company in general. 

With "The Avoidant Quit", you don't let your manager know in person. You leave a note or drop an email or "tell HR or colleagues." This seems like such a chickenshit method, but if you have a manager who's unresponsive or never around or is a psycho, this may be the way to go. The advice is not to use it just to avoid a difficult conversation. If you're that worried about how that difficult conversation might go (e.g., boss is a psycho), you could enlist someone from HR to be with you. (Good idea.)

Then there's "The Impulsive Quit," in which you just take off and don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. 

When you should use it: If your employer has a history of unethical behavior or has created a truly toxic or unsafe work environment, ghosting is acceptable.

Yes, sometimes you do just have to give yourself permission to get the hell out of Dodge. 

When you should not use it: If you're on good terms with your employer and want to maintain that after you leave. Ghosting will definitely kill that. Also, if you're living paycheck to paycheck, you don't want to leave on a whim. Prepare for it. Set yourself up so that you have enough money to live on while you're finding your next job.

Why someone would just walk out the door impulsively if they actually liked their employer is beyond me, but I guess some folks operate purely on impulse. Just doesn't seem like a good idea at all, at all.  

I would have thought that "The Impulsive Quit" is actually a bridge-burner, but HBR's definition of "The Bridge-Burning Quit" is something of a barn-burner.

What HBR says it is: You attempt to sabotage the company or your co-workers, often with verbal assaults or other unsavory maneuvers on your way out.

Yowza.

What it might sound like coming out of your mouth: Expletives and insults. (This is sometimes done via email or social media, too).

Yowza.

When you should use it: Cursing is always bad form, regardless of your situation, but bridge burning isn't necessarily verboten. The single reason you may want to burn bridges is if maintaining a relationship with the people in your company would somehow have an adverse effect on your long-term career goals or personal brand. If your company is undergoing a public investigation or known to be an abusive environment, it's understandable for you to sever those ties as thoroughly as possible.

Yowza.

I've been in some plenty toxic environments, but nothing bad enough to warrant a "Bridge-Burning Quit." Truly, unless you just found out that the company is completely full of embezzling axe murderers, you might be better served with going "The Impulsive Quit" route, and leaving the fireworks, expletives, and rantings to stories told after the fact.

Me, I'm mostly the calm conversation and positive letter type or quitter. I have had my moments, of course. But silly me. I thought calling Valle's Steakhouse from a payphone in Friendly's to quit after one waitress shift because my roommate and I didn't like the overall vibe (or tray service) was a "Bridge-burner," when all it was was an "Impulsive Quit."