This is a picture of my husband, taken in Rome in April 2012. He was in treatment for cancer at the time - chemo? radiation? I've forgotten the details, but it was pre-surgery, which came in May. He was tired, but we'd promised our nieces Molly and Caroline a trip to Rome, so there we were. A couple of times he hung in the apartment we'd rented near the Spanish Steps and rested while we toured. (He wasn't all that keen on visiting St. Peter's - been there, done that - and the last thing he needed was the mob pushing their way to get in.)
But mostly he was game for wandering around at night eating gelati, dining out - especially when we discovered that Italy is a very good place to dine out if you have celiac disease, which, in the course of my husband's cancer diagnosis, he found out he had - and visiting touristy spots like the Roman Forum, which is where this picture was snapped.
It was a wonderful trip, but sad. Our last European trip - one of many, many that Jim and I had taken over the years. We did end up having a couple more trips to NYC - Jim's favorite place on earth - but the Rome trip was our last major jaunt.
Anyway, today is the eleventh anniversary of Jim's death.
Eleven years? Sometimes I still shake my head in disbelief.
Who knows where the time goes?
Political landscape aside, I have a very good life, great even. Great family. Great friends. Great volunteer work. Great home. Good - maybe even great, if that's possible at 75 - health. (Knock on wood.)
And speaking of wood, funny, as I look around the living room, much of the furniture is new since Jim's death. But the credenza, one of the mirrors, a couple of the lamps, the little desk, the cabinet used for CD's, the claw-foot table, and some of the pictures on the walls are the same. Just in different places. But the table where I'm writing this is new.
During covid, I just got sick of the mahogany 1920's behemoth we'd gotten at an antique store in Brookline a million years ago. I'd never polished it, and the wood had dried out. If you leaned back at all in one of the chairs, you risked cracking the wood. Anyway, I just got sick of living with its dark and gloomy presence. So I put my mask on, marched over to Circle Furniture, and bought a new table and chairs. The credenza I kept.
The big change to the living room is that there's no longer a TV there.
We used to go back and forth about what we'd do if the other one died first. Jim's plan was to get rid of the kitchen clock which, for some reason, he hated. (I, of course, loved it: a very cute little clock with ceramic fruits and veggies for the hour markers.) Me? I was going to retire that big-arse TV.
Which I did when I reno'ed our condo the year after Jim died.
The cute little kitchen clock stopped working on its own, but I still have it here somewhere, along with the replacement battery clockworks I got on Amazon. Maybe some day I'll get around to it...
What's missing from the living room is, of course, the presence of Diggy, as Jim was known within the fam.
And, yes, after all these years, I still miss him.
Sometimes I wake up, weirdly sensing his presence. Sometimes I walk into our home and weirdly expect him to be there.
Of course, I miss him. (And for the record, I still miss my father, dead now over 50 years, and my mother, gone for over 20.)
You never stop missing someone you love. It's just that the missing is less acute, not quite continuous. (And, I have to admit, I don't miss the non-stop yacking, the awful jokes, the rag-bag clothing he refused to part with. Most of the time, anyway. I'd be happy to put up with it all if he were still around...)
I've traveled plenty of times without Jim, and it's not the same. Fun, but never as much fun as with him. (And, of course, I miss that he planned all of our trips. Sometimes overplanned. I thought that on Thursday in Paris, we'd eat at Café de l'Esplanade. I'm thinking of having the sole. You liked the veal chop last time we ate there. This would be six months before we were going actually to be in Paris. So, yeah, overplanning. But I miss that Jim did the planning.)
Molly and Caroline are both big travelers, by the way. I'd like to think that the trip to Rome, and an earlier trip we'd taken to Paris, helped set them on their adventurous ways. Both the "girls" (now young women) have been back to Rome, and a couple of years ago they went together to the Amalfi Coast.
Arriverderci, Diggy...