Swagbaggery 2024

Having managed - quite amazingly - to see all ten of the films nominated for Best Picture this year, I had more of a vested interest in this year's Oscars than usual. Oh, not enough of an interest to actually watch much of the show - I tuned in in time to see Al Pacino shortchange the Best Picture nominees by not rattling off the list, but just opening the envelope and announcing Oppenheimer - but enough of an interest to read through the list of winners. And enough of an interest to see what was in this year's swagbag.

The swagbag - "Everybody Wins" - is not quite given to everybody. In the past the distribution included presenters et al. (Fans of The Sopranos may recall Christopher Moltisanti weaseling his way into the Oscar party where the goodie bags were being given out and making off with Lauren Bacall's bag o' loot.) This year, the bags will go to the five Best Director nominees, the twenty nominees in the acting categories, and to host Jimmy Kimmel.

What's in the swagbag varies from year to year, but the value is always pretty high. This year's bag - actually multiple bags: there's an awful lot of stuff - is worth nearly $180K, and includes items ranging from a 50th anniversary retro Rubik's cube that costs all of $15 to a luxe vacation in the Alps:

The priciest gift in this year’s bag is a three-night stay at Chalet Zermatt Peak, the reigning winner of the “Best Ski Chalet” from the World’s Ski Awards. Nominees who redeem the $50,000 invitation will have private use of the entire chalet for themselves and up to nine guests.

The six-floor chalet boasts floor-to-ceiling windows with views of the Matterhorn, a spa, in-house massage therapist and celestial observatory roof. Guests will dine on multi-course dinners prepared by a gourmet chef, have access to a fully-stocked wine cellar as well as a chauffeured car available 24 hours a day. (Source: CNBC)

Leave the gun Rubik's cube. Take the cannoli Zermatt trip. (And if you're wondering, yes, you do need to pay taxes on the gifts, but trips and services won't be taxed if you don't make use of them.)

In addition to the Zermatt jaunt, there's a more local vacay as well: a week-long wellness retreat at the Golden Door spa in Souther California. The value of this getaway is $24K, but it does include hiking trails and mindfulness classes. 

There's a Schwank grill that heats up to 1500 degrees. I'm trying to think of something that needs to be grilled at 1500 degrees. Hamburg? Hotdog? Asparagus? 

I'm having visions of a marshmallow instantaneously incinerated to a crisp, a Graham cracker spontaneously combusting, a Hershey's Bar melting completely down. No Smores for you today!

As a companion to the grill, there's a wine fridge. (What's not to like?) And some fancy, pricey, fluffy Canadian sugar made from maple sap. (What's not to like?)

There are a couple of skin-related gifts. There's a package of skincare products, and:

A $10,000 micro needling treatment from Cynosure “designed to tighten and revitalize” skin and “minimize the common signs of aging or reduce blemishes.”

Don't get me going on "common signs of aging." I will say that most of mine have nothing to do with wrinkly skin.

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that the gift that will be least taken up is "a $25,000 live show from mentalist Carl Christman which 'combines magic, mind reading, hypnosis and comedy.'”

Leave the gun mentalist live show. Take the cannoli  Rubik's cube. The 1500 degree grill. The needling treatment. The fancy/pricey/fluffy sugar. 

Lash Fary - can this be his real name? - runs the company that pulls together the swagbags. Here's what he has to say:

"For someone who says it's overindulgent to give these nominees a six-figure gift bag, I would simply tell them to enroll in a marketing class at their local community college," Fary tells NBC. "It's so straightforward what this is."

"These are folks who get paid millions of dollars, if not tens of millions of dollars to be in films, not because they need the money, but because they are the biggest names in the world and they can sprinkle stardust on whether it's opening night of a film or whether it's something like overnight travel bags and they are seen using this bag when they're at the airport and it changes the trajectory for that business," Fary says. "So it's a really, really powerful win-win." (Source: NBC NY)

Marketing 101 for sure, for consumer goods, anyway. (And Life 101 in terms of "one thing we're sure of, the rich get richer...")

Anticipating that Greta Gerwig of Barbie fame would be among the nominees for Best Director - she wasn't - Fary had a special Barbie pillow designed for inclusion in the bag. He will be sending one along to poor Greta. Better luck next time!

And to all the beneficiaries of all that marketing largesse: enjoy!