Neiman Marcus - Who's Fantasy Is This Anyway? Part 1.

One of my favorite holiday traditions is checking out what outrageously expensive and idiotic items have made their way into the year's edition of the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gift Catalog. 

So if you haven't finished your shopping, you might consider:

Cartier Diamond Tiara ($3.2 Million)

The write-up on this gift tells us that "the tiara is a coveted piece of jewelry often passed down from generation to generation, rarely leaving a family's possession." I'm quite sure that if we had a family tiara, it would absolutely have been passed down. I just wouldn't have gotten it. Depending on how many generations it had been in the family, it would either be in the possession of a fourth cousin twice removed or, if coming from my either of my grandmother's: on my father's side: my cousin Barbara, the first granddaughter; or on my mother's side: my sister Kathleen, the first granddaughter. Barbara would also have possession if the tiara was passing down from my great-grandmother Margaret Joyce.

But whichever side or generation the tiara was coming from, the truth is that we're not exactly a tiara wearing family.

Margaret Joyce? I believe she worked as a maid in a fancy house when she came over from County Mayo. And my maternal grandmother? She came from a long line of farmers, and when she, my grandfather, and my mother immigrated in the 1920's, Grandma Wolf worked as a cleaning lady until my grandfather's business as a butcher got off the ground.

Alas, not a tiara-wearer in the bunch!

But in this day and age, unless you're a member of the British Royal family, is there any call for a tiara?

I guess the bride could wear it at her wedding. But I'm scratching my head trying to think of a family member who had a tiara-style wedding. And I'm coming up empty.

As tiara's go, this one's pretty pretty: 1935 vintage - the Depression, as you well know, called for a ton of tiara occasions - and has an Art Deco design. And if I'm not mistaken, the tiara can be used as a necklace, which is great, since there are a lot more necklace-wearing occasions than there are tiara-wearing locations. Or so one would think.

But be warned: the price does not include shipping.

Barbie Maserati ($330K)

If $3.2 million prices you out of the tiara market, you might have the scratch to drop $330K on a Barbie-themed Maserati. (Remember when Barbie used to be satisfied tootling around in her camper or her Beetle?) Well, out with the old Barbie, in with the Barbiecore new.

With a legacy of influencing style and culture, this luxe ride is inspired by female empowerment and the pink phenomenon known as “Barbiecore.”

Because nothing says female empowerment like a tricked out Barbie-pink ride. Especially one that only comes with an automatic transmission. Real empowered females drive stick! Alas, Maserati hasn't made a manual transmission car since 2006.  

Make Mattel’s philosophy “You Can Be Anything” a reality, and don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your very own dream car.

Silly me, I know, but I'm thinking that an empowered female who believes that she can be anything wouldn't be caught dead powering around in a Barbie-branded car.

Experience Polo ($295K)

A tiara may be "The Headgear of Queens," but it you want to meet the sort of fellow who can make you a queen - or at the very least a princess - you might want to hang around with those who play polo, "The Sport of Kings." 

This gift is a two night stay in a swanky hotel in Aspen, where among other goodies, you'll have a private lesson with "world-renowned polo players Ignacio "Nacho" Figueras and Melissa Ganzi." This likely presumes you actually need to know how to ride a horse, so include me out. 

But there's also a match to watch and a custom Casablanca polo jersey. And here I thought Ralph Lauren was luxe...

Christmas Decorations by Jim Marvin ($190K)

As I write this, my Christmas decorations aren't yet up. My tree - bicycled over here from the Seaport by a young fellow who told me that he had recently won the title of fastest bicycle messenger in the world - is in the stand (where the world's fastest bicycle messenger secured it), but it's still undecorated. I have a bunch of amaryllis plants sprouting in the kitchen. And the Christmas-y red plaid table cloth is on the table. Other than that, it's not yet beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here.

If only I had a spare $190K, I could have myself a merry little house decoration done by Jim Marvin, who's done trees for the rich, the famous, and the White House. (Did he have anything to do with Melania's blood-red, scary Handmaid's Tale trees a few years back?)

Marvin’s classic, elegant style will ensure your newly adorned surroundings shine bright and leave guests in awe. Deck your halls with a collection of designer trees, garlands, wreaths, lighting, stockings, and tabletop decor that you’ll treasure forever.

I already have Christmas decor that I'll treasure forever.  Ornaments that graced my grandmother's tree. Ornaments from my parents' first Christmas tree. Ornaments that I've gotten during my travels or received as gifts. A picture of me taken the moment I stopped believing in Santa Claus. A metal reindeer wreath I got at Crate & Barrel a million years ago. (My sister Trish has the same one.) My mother's Christmas elf small table cloth. Her Christmas candle S&P shakers. (Which I don't use, because I'm worried about 1950's era lead paint.) Vases. Pitchers. And all those serving dishes...

Christmas to me is about family, friends, my history, my nostalgia. Why would I want someone else's concept of the beautiful replacing decorations that actually mean something to me? When I get my tree decorated, I'll pause when I hang so many of the ornaments and think for a moment about where and whom I got them from. I'll be playing cornball Christmas music, singing along and loving every moment of it.

I don't need my decorations to be perfect. I want them to mean something. And that's enough for me!

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More tomorrow on the Fantasy Catalogue.