Thanks for the invite, Ben Carson

On Christmas Eve, my mail included a handful of Christmas cards, and a wonderful package from none other than Ben Carson.

Ben and I, as you can imagine, are like that. (Image: fingers crossed.) 

Oh, wait. I misspoke or whatever the written word equivalent is. Ben Carson? The idiot savant of the Trump administration? Sure, he's the first person I would have called if I needed someone to separate conjoined twins, but other than that... Ben Carson???

Where'd you get my address, Ben?

Oh, I'm well aware that lists get traded, lists get sold. But I'm racking my brain trying to figure out which catalog, magazine, or charitable organization sold my name down the river to the American Cornerstone Institute.

Not that I don't agree completely with the first couple of sentences on your pledge form:

The American ideal is being destroyed. And it's up to "we the people" to save it.

And I'm absolutely on board with the notion that we need to empower millions of patriotic men and women to be the bulwark against those who are trying to topple the pillars of our society and destroy the American ideal. 

But mostly, Ben, let's just say we agree to disagree.

Now back to the question of which organization dimed me.

I know that L.L. Bean had some Trumpist in the family at one point, but I don't imagine that L.L. needs to sell its mailing lists to goofball outfits like the American Cornerstone Institute. 

What other catalogs have I ordered from recently? Artful Home? Jockey? Peruvian Connection?

Nah. I can't see Ben doing business with any of those outfits.

I subscribe to the Atlantic, the New Yorker, and Nation (for my lefty brother). The thought of old Ben thinkng that any of these mags would be fertile ground for his nonprofit thang is laughable. 

Maybe it was The Economist. Maybe they're pissed that I didn't renew. (Sorry. I used to read it avidly, but then it was a year of straight to recycle, followed by an online-only subscription that I never clicked on.) Still, The Economist is hardly rabid righty. The last Republican they endorsed (i.e., cast their hypothetical vote for, since, as a Brit publication, they really don't have a say) was George W. Bush in 2000. Since then it's been Kerry, Obama, Obama, Clinton, and Biden. What would Ben want with their list???

I don't imagine the charities I donate to would yield much, either.

Because nothing says I'm worried about "BLM, the teachers unions, and the rest of the American Marxists taking over our schools" like donating to PBS, Planned Parenthood, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Union of Concerned Scientists, et a few als. And I don't think that Heifer International would be Ben's cup of tea, either.

Many years ago, I did subscribe to the online Wall Street Journal. This landed me on a number of Republican lists, and for a while there I got regular phone calls with recordings of Newt Gingrich lying about Obama and trying to scare me into giving them money. But that was when the GOP was still at least partially sane. 

Sorry/not sorry, Ben that you wasted your money - not that it's actually your money now, is it? - sending me this big old package of right wing cant. I did send back the pre-paid pledge plus donation envelope, just in case you need it for some reason. And my niece Caroline loved the lithograp you enclosed. Whoever thought that someone in my family would possess a work of "art" by the renowned John McNaughton, an "artist" specializing in hero-worship images of Trump. An "artist" who makes Thomas Kinkade look like Rembrandt.

Anyway, Ben, thanks but no thanks.

I'm not going to wish you luck. Au con-f'ing-traire. 

But I will give credit where credit is due: thanks for using the Oxford comma!