If your fantasy is for $95K worth of hats, well, Neiman-Marcus has got a little something for you

Each year, I look forward to the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts catalogue. Sad to say, this year, reflective of COVID and Neiman's financial woes, I suppose, there seem to be fewer fantasy gifts to indulge in than in past. Or maybe they're just a bit lower key than they've been. Still, there are plenty of crazily outrageous gifts in it to occupy the empty and idle mind for a while.

I'm a reader, so one would suppose that I'd be interested in an ASSOULINE CUSTOM TRAVEL LIBRARY - "for the armchair jet-setter". Well, I've got the armchair part covered, but the jet-setter...not so much. Then there's the price tag, a hefty $295,000, which also disqualifies me. 

PROSPER ASSOULINE and his wife, MARTINE, created their renowned publishing house with the goal of being the first luxury brand to supply everything for a contemporary library, from books to furnishings. “Our digital world moves faster than ever, and nothing remains of it,” the founders say. “But books are the solid part of our past and present. They are also beauty.” Now, ASSOULINE wants to share that beauty with you. It all starts with a meeting to determine the aesthetic of your custom library. The publisher will then curate a collection of books, furniture, and one-of- a-kind objets d’art just for you. 

Sure, books have been a "solid part of [my] past and present," and - hopefully future, once I can get myself to stop doom scrolling Twitter and pick up one of the two-dozen books in my waiting room. But personally, I prefer to determine my own aesthetic, even if, at present - when it comes to books - it's mostly "pile in the armchair next to my bed, or on the top of the offseason clothing storage chest (a.k.a., my mother's hope chest) underneath the bedroom windows."

Seriously, I have to say that I trust my aesthetic more than I do that of Prosper and Martine. I mean, does this say serious reader to you?

Come on, man. Those objets got the books pretty much outnumbered.

For the self-improver in your life, and isn't that everyone, starting with Numero Uno, there's a YEAR OF WELLNESS WITH CANYON RANCH. I could live pretty well, at least for a year or two, on the $345,ooo this giftolini costs. But there's a year of living well, and a year of wellness living at Canyon Ranch. The year includes four - count 'em - weeklong stays at one of the Ranches, plus monthly check-ins to make sure you aren't straying from the path of wellness. I do know people who've ranched in Lenox, Massachusetts, and loved it. But, knowing me, I'd spend my entire stay fretting about the costs, even if everything is "free", once you've forked over the $345K.

If you want to cheap out and save $200K, there's a JONATHAN ADLER ARTFUL ADDITIONS game room for $145K that you can take advantage of all year long and not just during those paltry four weeks at Canyon Ranch. 

You’ll work together (safely via video chat) to develop a plan to transform the room of your choice into a one-of-a-kind game parlor. It all starts with an eye-popping custom-made piece of hand-beaded artwork, designed by Jonathan and created by a master beader. From there, Jonathan will fill out the details with a collection of decor and games chosen to complement your personal aesthetic.

Master beader? Who knew there was such a thing? But, oh, why not? 

My why not is that my personal aesthetic seems like it would be at total odds with Adler's.

Think I'll stick with playing Parcheesi on my dining room table.

There's a range for the EXOTIC GEMS RING FROM THE OSCAR HEYMAN COLLECTION. $100,000 (13.58 carat Mandarin Garnet and diamond) to $190,000 (3.11 carat Alexandrite and diamond). I have no idea what a 13.58 carat garnet weighs, but I'm guessing the ring is honking enough that it'd need to come with a little wheelbarrow to carry your ringed hand around in. So even if I were the type to wear a big honking cocktail ring, I'm going to take another hard pass on this one.

Personally, I don't eat enough red meat to merit paying $185,000 for a meal and the PERINI RANCH & TENDERLOIN FOR A YEAR, even if the gift includes a pair of custom cowboy boots and a helicopter ride to watch cattle in pre-tenderloin in action. Yippee-ki-ay and all that, but $185,000?

Admittedly, I've always longed for a shiny Airstream trailer. But if I can get a low-end Airstream for under $50K, I'd be hard pressed to up the ante to $255,000 for a high end BOWLUS ENDLESS HIGHWAYS BESPOKE PER PERFORMANCE EDITION trailer. 

Plus I'd have to get an SUV to haul it around...

You've heard the expression "all hat and no cattle"? Well, for an additional $95,000, you could combine the Perini Ranch thang with KEITH AND JAMES CUSTOM-MADE HATS and you could be both cattle and hat. And these aren't just any old hats. They're:

 ...a signature collection of custom-made chapeaus, designed in collaboration with luminaries including Run-DMC, as well as globally renowned artists such as Paul Gerben, PixelPancho, Kelly “RISK” Graval, Man One, and Leroy Campbell.

Chapeaus, you say? That makes a difference. Not to mention the involvement of Run-DMC and PixelPancho. A tip of the hat to this gift, for sure.

Another possibility to enhance the Perini Ranch experience would be the MONTAGE HEALDSBURG WEEKEND & WINE FOR A YEAR for $215,000. This buys you a five-day getaway for you and five of your besties, where you'll be wined and dined at a pretty fine looking vineyard and resort run by one Jesse Katz:

Even better, you’ll receive wine for 12 months personally curated by this wunderkind and an exclusive golden Coravin Wine Preservation System.

No explanation of what 12 months of wunderkind curation means: bottle a week? bottle a month? We're not talking Two-Buck Chuck here, so this inquiring imbibing mind would like to know.

Rounding out this year's catalogue is THE SHELDON CHALET ALASKA EXPERIENCE for $345,000. You and five friends:

...will have this secluded place to yourselves for five nights, enjoying a private chef, glacier exploration led by professional Denali guides, spectacular night skies, and more. 

This place is gorgeous. And Alaska's on my bucket list. So, if I can come up with a spare $345K, which I'll have if I don't buy the Assouline Library and the hats, this is definitely a possibility.

I'll see you in my dreams...