Goop, glorious Goop

As this annus horribilis winds down, it's comforting to know that neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night nor COVID pandemic stays Gwyneth Paltrow from the swift completion of her appointed rounds as maintainer-in-chief of a "modern lifestyle brand" that is Goop. 

Without Gwyneth, where would we look for advice like "Helpful Hacks for Your Sweat Suit Rack?" Of course, one - at least this one - would do well to ignore Goop's advice. How can spending $445 for sweatpants and $850 for a sweater to top them off with count as a hack? I mean, isn't a hack something like 'turn your old business suits into something that's actually comfortable to wear'? But what do I know? My sweat suit advice is buy a couple of pairs of sweatpants and matching zip-front sweatshirts from L.L. Bean and wear them to death.

Then there's the reminder that, frankly, we all need when we're trolling for comfort an joy. A piece entitled "Today Is the Youngest You'll Ever Be - Enjoy It." Thanks for the reminder, Gwyn. I mean that sincerely.

I also enjoyed "Which Winter Style Archetype Are You?" Obviously, Alpinist and Sun Chaser are automatically out, but I did have to pause a bit to decide between the Creature of Comfort and the Eclectic. Then I saw that the Eclectic has naturally wavy hair, so Creature of Comfort it is - a creature for whom one of the recommended gifts is a vibrator. (Gwyneth, I blush!)

For Gwyneth, "modern lifestyle brand" is all about the accumulation of lifestyle-affirming goods, and her annual gift guides offer a little something for just about everybody, as long as everybody = self-conscious high-end ultra-precious consumer with money to burn. Enough to afford items like the $1,895 burnt agate marble checkers set. Top of head, I'd think that if you wanted to pay this much for a board game, it'd be something like chess. But there's sort of a homey, stuck-at-home retro vibe to checkers, I guess. 

If $1,895 is a tad too much for a game you'll never play, but you do have some money to burn, how about $75 for a candle with a scent called "This Smells Like My Prenup".   

A gorgeous blend of invigorating grapefruit and sexy, citrusy bergamot with supple notes of ripened raspberry subtly interlaced throughout, this sophisticated (and hilariously named) scent is the one to burn—and we mean burrrn—when you’re in some type of a mood.

Maybe Barron will get one for his mom.

Goop is also about braininess, of course, so they sell books. Including "Taller, Slimmer, Younger: 21 Days to a Foam Roller Physique," which sort of seems to contradict the advice about enjoying today because it's the youngest you're ever going to be. Or maybe enjoying the day means getting out your Creature of Comfort vibrator - or one of Goop's other bestsellers in this category - and going at it.

Sigh. So many options on Goop, I can't possibly swipe through them all. Besides, it's too late for Christmas delivery. Maybe next year. 

And as much as I enjoy making fun of Goop - and I surely do - there is nothing in their guides that's anywhere near as offensive as an ad that the NRA is tweeting:

Buy the gun you want. Wrap it and mark it from Santa. Your spouse will have to along with it or they’ll ruin Christmas for the kids.

Is that festive or what? 

Last week, a 2-year old boy in Indiana shot himself to death with a handgun he found while his mother was in the next room feeding his new-born sister. Whatever's under that family's tree isn't going to bring back their little one.

At least Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop - absurd as the enterprise may be - never killed anyone.