Well, it's Cyber Monday, and if you're not all shopped out by Black Friday and Small Shopping Saturday... And especially if you're done shopping for everyone else and want to turn your shopping attention to the one you love best... And especially, especially if you feel that you - you special someone! - deserve a reward for surviving 9 months of COVID and want to treat yourself to a little something to get you through the next nine months...I give your the Ultimate Smart Bed.
Smart bed? I'm sure you're asking yourself just how smart does a bed have to be.
I mean, as long as the mattress is comfortable, as long as you can sleep, nap, loll, read, and do something else that I seem to have vague memories of, your bed is not really required to do all that much.
Oh, when I had my first apartment my senior year in college, I had a bed - a cast off from my sister Kath - with a bookcase headboard that I admit was pretty handy. And the bed before my current lovely cherry wood sleigh bed - a cast off from my sister Trish, which was a cast off from Kath - I had a bed with pull out drawers for sweater and linens storage, which was also pretty handy. I still use my bed for a bit of storage: wrapping paper, my ironing basket, but I push them out of sight so if you looked in at my bedroom you can't see them. As for books, they're piled on the chair next to my bed.
But apparently there are those who want a bed to do a lot more for them. Thus the Hariana Tech Smart Ultimate Bed.
This bed is the ultimate enclosure system that comes with everything you need in a room, ALL IN ONE. It features a massage chair with a remote, built in Bluetooth speakers, a bookshelf, reading lamp, an air cleaning system and a desk for those who need a laptop in their bed. Never leave bed with a low battery, this has a built in charging station perfect for night owls. Access an ottoman for guests that is stored under the conditioning unit. If you would rather recline and watch TV, do not fret. There is a recliner attached just for you. Adjust the top headrests to get maximum comfort in your bed. This adult playground is revolutionary for many reasons. The frame is made of pine wood for long lasting quality. Available in multiple colored leather options. Only make one purchase, and everything you need is at your disposal.
Everything you need in a room? Really? Where do you keep your clothing? Or is the assumption that someone who lives in bed no longer has the need for anything, other than the odd top so they can looked clothed on Zoom? After all, this is a revolutionary adult playground.
Speaking of which, it doesn't look like it's going to be all that easy to get out of the revolutionary adult playground. I mean, maybe adult playgrounders never have to get up and pee in the middle of the night, but I prefer a bed I can swing my legs out of and make my way to the bathroom. Crawling to the foot of the bed, or scooting over the massage recliner, looks like a recipe for disaster.
And, by the way, everything you need is NOT at your disposal. Where's the fridge? Where's the microwave? Where's the toilet? And the sink for 20 second hand washing?
The base price is $2,999, and once you start adding on things like a speaker, a night stand, a USB port, and an LED light, well, you can get up into the $4K range pretty quickly.
It will surprise exactly no one that the store selling this is in Las Vegas. But not to worry: they ship throughout the States.
Other than the Swiss Army Knife, and, admittedly, my phone, I'm not a big believer in multi-function anything. I want my stove to cook, my fridge to cool, my TV to entertain me.
I'm a big believer that, the more stuff any one thing can do, the more likely it is to breakdown. More to the point, in a couple of years, smart anything is going to look not so smart at all. There'll be chargers that are faster and cheaper. Bluetooth will be replaced by something better. Speaker tech will improve. This ultimate smart bed just screams built-in obsolescence to me.
If you like the smart bed, well, there's plenty more that's big yikes out there:
Talk about Star Trek bachelor pad!
Unfortunately, the lead time for the smart bed is 6-12 weeks. But fortunately, I guess, that'll still give you plenty of pandemic time to enjoy it.
I'll be sticking to my current bed set up, thank you. It will never go out of style, and I'm eagerly awaiting the new duvet cover and pillow shams that will look lovely on my bed, but wouldn't quite work on the ultimate smart bed.
To each his own. (And, sorry fellows, but in this case, I really do mean his.)
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