What would Mr. Whipple do?

Two upfront statements:

1. I'm not going to say that I wouldn't use Charmin toilet paper if it were the last roll of TP on the face of the earth. Of course, I would use it. The toilet paper I absolutely would NOT deploy if it were the last roll of TP on the face of earth would be Quilted Northern. That would be on the basis of their execrable ads, in which cartoon bears dance around singing "my heinie's clean." Especially the execrable+ ad in which the cartoon bear parents debate whether to pick their cartoon bear son's briefs up off the bathroom floor.  Then cartoon bear son saves them having to touch "it" by prancing in singing - you guessed it - "my heinie's clean."
2. I don't think Procter & Gamble's all that serious about the suite of toilet-related tech products they introduced at the recent Consumer Electronics Show. At least I don't think they are...

Anyway, I always enjoy reading about the weird and useless stuff that gets showcased at CES. And writing about it, too. (If only someone - that would be Google, which owns Blogger - could come up with an app that let me have consistent fonts in my posts. And don't suggest Word Press. I use Word Press for one client and one volunteer gig. It is admittedly better when it comes to fonts, but I've found that it brings other problems with it...)

Among the weird and useless stuff on display at this year's CES was a stunning trio of weird and useless stuff intended to deliver a "better bathroom experience from start to flush."

First up, the RollBot.

This is a robot that can be summoned up from your smartphone and roll on into the bathroom with a new roll of toilet paper. Now, there have been plenty of situations in which I have been caught out without there being any toilet paper available. 99.99% of those times have been in public restrooms, where I've found myself in a tp-less stall and end up searching through pockets and pocketbook in hopes of finding one scrunged up but still marginally usable piece of used Kleenex. And/or hollering to anyone around, in hopes that the woman in the next stall can hand me a couple of squares of toilet paper under the opening. 

The other 00.01% of the time is when I've been in the woods, or somewhere else in nature, and have just had to go. 

In neither of these situations would it do any good to Bluetooth up a delivery robot. Would it leave my home and find me - using built in GPS, no doubt - in a restaurant or on the Snail Trail in Provincetown so that it could deliver the goods?

Really and truly, is there anyone out there who doesn't have a spare roll or two of toilet paper in their bathroom? Or a fallback box of Kleenex?

And if you do insist on a robot, wouldn't it make more sense to have a general-purpose one that could not just fetch toilet paper, but could do a lot of other fetching as well. Special purpose toilet paper delivering robot? No need.

And yet of all the Charmin ideas, this seems to me the most viable and, ahem, useful.

That is, when compared with SmellSense. 

The predictive SmellSense is an electronic sensor monitoring system that allows users to plan ahead and check how the bathroom smells without having to experience it yourself. It's calibrated to detect carbon dioxide found in a "toot" or "two." SmellSense notifies via a GO/NO GO display on the status of the stench. It lets you know when you can go in without an offending nasal assault. (Source: Tech Republic)

As with the case of the missing toilet paper - although perhaps not as pronounced - most of my close encounters with bad smelling bathrooms has been in the public realm. In a home setting, you can usually rely on family and friends to give you a bit of a warning. Or figure it out for youself pretty quickly. 

So that leaves places like gas station restrooms. Are they going to install these? I think not.

Sometimes you just have to hold your nose and take care of business. 

If someone's going to improve public restrooms, they should have an claxon horn start screaming if somone pees on the seat or tosses a tampon (used, of course) on the floor and leaving it there. Or outlaw all Porta Potties, other than the upscale ones with multiple stalls, sinks and flushable toilets. 

And jeez Louise, if we end up with sensor-based systems to do our smelling for us, will the nose become a vestigial organ?

Whoever it is in the Charmin division at P&G, they must be having some fun for themselves. Thus the V.I.Pee which promises concertgoers:

... a "premium" experience "enhanced with Oculus Rift S VR" to transport a GOer missing out on any moment to the front row, "to never miss a beat on the seat." Joining the event virtually "right where you left off before the call of nature rolled in," making the bathroom "the best seat in the house." 

So, how is wearing Oculus virtual reality headgear going to do anything about the cleanliness, godliness, and rank smells that come with being in a public restroom? Do you just hang outside waiting for the SmellSense to give you the go ahead? Which will never happen in a Porta Potty, which is the faciliyt of choice for outdoor concerts. (Not that I attend (m)any.) Not to mention that SmellSense wouldn't warn you about the pee on the seat and the floor. Yuck on yuck!

Anyway, I'm guessing that Charmin was just having a bit of fun, tech-style. 

The Mr. Whipple ads were the first one that made me dislike Charmin and resist all calls to squeeze the Charmin. (I grew up in a Scott house, and I've maintained a lifetime worth of brand loyalty.) No, Charmin's not as bad as Quilted Northern, but none of these tech gadgets are going to get me to change my mind (or my toilet paper.)