More Goop please, sir!

Into every blogger's life a little rain shall fall, and mine fell when I'd completed part two of my virtually shopping spree through Gwyneth Paltrow's Holiday Gift Guides. There I was, about to hit "Publish" when the entire post disappeared. Which meant that I had to look through all those sub-catalogs once again and pick out the gems to save you the trouble of fully combing through an agglomeration of precious, twee, and mostly just plain irritating items - oozing the lifestyle brandedness that is Gwyneth Paltrow. It is no exaggeration to say that having to look through Goop twice in a two hour period can ruin a blogger's day. Sheesh...

My family and friends are pretty much at that point in life when we're all de-accessioning, not acquiring. So host/hostess gifts tend to be of the edible/potable/consumable variety. No one needs yet another bowl. So I just breezed through the Host's Gift Guide. There were some consumables, like the "ceremonial grade" matcha tea. Alas, no one I know actually performs a tea ceremony. Mostly I'm a bag in a cup of boiling water type of tea-drinker. The organic vegan paleo luxury soap kit (8 bars! only $89.95!) is a bit puzzling to me. I do understand that vegans wash, but paleo man and woman? Didn't they just scrape off a layer of dirt every decade or so? 

On the durable goods side of the gift equation, there's an Oak Table Grater that's presumaby used for grating something at the table, and not for grating oak tables. Essential oils are a big thing in Gwyneth World, by the way. But how essential are they if we've all managed to live our lives without up until now. Anyway, my favorite gift here is the "Martini" Emotional Detox Bath Soak. You're going to need it after I leave...

The Traveler's Gift Guide starts out with a $1,700 29" canvas packing case. The very same style carried by Marilyn Monroe, Elton John, and The Reagans. Nancy Reagan carried one? I'm in! You can finish the look off with a $49 luggage tag that says ESCAPE. (Believe me, I'd like to.) Apparently, those who use essential oils can't leave home withoutt them. And don't forget the portable diffuser.  Travelers, according to Goop, not only like to diffuse essential oils, they also like to groom. And those who groom their eyebrows - and who doesn't? - should consider a $225 eyebrow grooming kit. (Or just grab a tweezer at CVS.)

Gifts for the One Who Has Everything seems a bit oxymoronic, but even those who have everything could use cashmere jogging pants, I guess. And bling. Say, an incredibly ugly malachite monogrammed signet ring ($2,500). Or an incredibly ugly pink heart signet ring ($3,420). Or an incredibly ugly - and downright declasse - pinky ring ($1,880). Apparently, those who have everything already have their lifetime supply of essential oils, but you can get them serums. Expensive serums. But those who have everything may not have all the Hermes bags they desire. You can start low-end with a Birkin bag for $10.5K and move on up to a Epsom Kelly bag for $22.5K. And take a picture of it with a cute little Polaroid camera. (They still make Polaroids???) Even those who have everything have to contend with gravity, so may favorite gift on this list is the 24-karat gold T-bar used to lift and sculpt the face. Only $195. 

Goop likes children, and has gifts in The Kid's Gift Guide that take you from newbie - with a sweet little cap that says "I'm Coming Home" on  it, because a Goop kid shouldn't be satisfied with the little stripey freebie they give you in the hospital - on up. (And when you get that bambino/a who's coming home home, you swaddle them in muslin swaddling clothes.) There are cutesy booties. And cutesy books. And cutesy hats. As kids progress, things get a tad bit less cutesy, but remain precious and costly. Like the $650 Sunburst buffer jacket with a gold zipper. 

To my mind, the worst thing in the kid's catalog - perhaps the most FFS thing in the entire world of Goop - is the smartphone controlled paper airplane. 

The perfect precursor to the remote-controlled plane, this paper version (equipped with FlightAssist™ technology) is ideal for young pilots-in-training. It comes with two easy-to-fold templates, spare rudders and propellers, and a micro-USB cable for quick and convenient charging. The tilt-to-maneuver smartphone controls are so intuitive, really anyone can do it.

Templates? Rudders? Propellers? Isn't the point of a paper airplane to teach kids folding skills, to have them figure out a tiny bit of aerodynamics, to let them learn how to set a folded piece of printer paper on a glide path? Tilt-to-maneuver smartphone controls my arse! It may be only $50 but this one is ridiculous, even by Goop standards. This is a true abomination. What's the world coming to?


At least the petal pink and robin's egg blue surfboards for the older kids don't appear to be tricked out. Alas, it's too late to get one of these under your tree. Delivery takes 3-4 weeks before surf's up.

The final catalog is The Lover's Gift Guide. If you're thinking hearts, flowers, chocolates, perfume, you've got another think coming. We're talking sexy lingerie, dildos that aren't called dildos, massagers that are called massagers - including one that looks like an out-sized Hershey's Kiss - and some BDSM gear. (Goldent handcuffs, anyone?)

I am officially Gooped out...