Bunker mentality

I’ve been at this blogging thing quite a long time. Long enough to have written a couple of times about bunker builders/doomsday preppers.

Why, back on Election Day 2012 – when I actually feared that the very worst thing that could happen to our country would be the election of Mitt Romney as president (little did we know what sort of revenge porn the GOP had in store for us…) – I wrote about folks building everything-proof fortresses. (Bunker Down.)

Having survived the Mitt Threat, I was back just a couple of months later with “I will survive!” (Can Doomsday Preppers release my inner Donna Summer?) (Please note that sometimes I do ask the big questions!)

Here’s an excerpt from that post:

My favorite prepper, perhaps because he struck me as the most practical, sharp, and business-focused of the bunch, is Larry Hall, who runs Survival Condo, luxury underground condos built on a couple of old missile sites in Kansas. This guy is one thorough prepper.

Not only can the facility survive a direct nuclear hit, your condo comes with five-years worth of foods supply for everyone onboard, and plenty of guns and ammo to fend off the great unprepared. There’s a colossal water storage facility, redundant electric systems, elaborate filtration. Hall even consulted with psychologists on cabin fever, and among the other niceties of the facility are a choice of window views – nature vistas, an aquarium tank – that will give some sense of connection to the great outdoors.

These condos aren’t for those who have to support their prepping habit by selling sex toys and bearded dragons, by the way. The smaller (900 square foot) units go for $1.5M, and the larger units (1820 square feet) go for $3.0M.

Taking a page straight out of HGN, each condo comes with:

• State-of-the-art Kitchen: Stainless steel kitchen appliances include refrigerator, dishwasher, dual-fuel (electric & propane) professional range, wall oven, professional ventilation hood. Granite or custom concrete counter-tops.
• State-of-the-art energy efficient washer and dryer in each unit.
• Built in recessed full spectrum LED lighting.
• Kohler bath fixtures and jetted Jacuzzi tub in each master bath.

But wait, there’s more:

• Organic hydroponic and aquaculture food production.
• General Store.
• Indoor Pool & Spa, and a complete workout facility.
• Custom theater.
• Custom Bar & Lounge.
• Library & Classroom.
• Command & Control Center.
• Medical First Aid Center.
• Communication Center complete with on-site Internet subset access.

Here’s what a few of his delighted clients have to say, under the veil of anonymity that one might expect from those shelling out big bucks for a survival condo.

“The same quality of condo in New York would have cost me the same, if not more per square foot and you get peace of mind with this.” ~Client

“I am in awe of what I have seen here in person. This is top-shelf, a total class act. Security with all of the amenities and luxury? I would have paid more” ~Client

“I feel better knowing that I have a luxury survival bunker for my family if anything happens.” ~Client

I hope that Kim Jong-Un gives these happy campers enough of a head’s up that they can get out to Kansas in time to survive.

In any case, the first Survival Condo condos apparently sold out, so Hall’s building more. Same luxury fittings. Same pool. Same dog walking park. Same five-years worth of food for each resident. Same occupancy limits, so you better be able to find contentment with something of a ghost town population. (No word on whether the Atlas Missile Site Bunker Two is close enough to Atlas Missile Site Bunker One that they could connect them via tunnel. More kids to play with. More folks to party with. Maybe the general stores could carry different merchandise to allow for a bit more shopping variety, given that in case of cataclysm, it’s doubtful whether Amazon would be delivering packages.)

Hall believes that his work “is a calling, not just a business. ‘I’m saving lives.’”

Hmmm. I’d say that remains to be seen.

Survival Condo is not the only bunker game in town. Above ground, below ground, there are plenty of survival communities. There’s even an underground bunker sale in Las Vegas that comes with a wood-burning fireplace. Hope it comes with good ventilation.

All these survival communities out west are one way to repopulate the fly-over states. But what will there be to vote for?

University of Kansas anthropology professor John W. Hoopes casts a wary eye on these sorts of enterprises:

He accused doomsday investors of hawking “survival porn,” which he described as a “hypermasculine fantasy” that danger is near and a select few will be able to save themselves and their families — if they are prepared. (Source: NY Times)

Might Professor Hoopes have Client 1, Client 2, and Client 3 in mind here? As for “hypermasculine fantasy.” Ya think? (Sorry to be sexist here, but…)

“Fear sells even better than sex,” Professor Hoopes said. “If you can make people afraid, you can sell them all kinds of stuff,” he added, “and that includes bunkers.”

Maybe I’ll feel differently if and when the time comes, but if the Proud Boys end up taking over the streets, if we merge with North Korea, if Ivanka Trump becomes president for life. If there are food riots to quell, and books being burned. Well, I’d just as soon not survive.

So count me out of the bunker mentality. If I incinerate in place and there’s no one to escort my ashes to Mt. Auburn Cemetery, so be it. That scenario beats falling to my death climbing a rock wall in a luxury missile silo any old day.

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A Pink Slip doomsday shout out to my sister Kath for pointing this article out to me. (Can I come to your house if the world ends???)