Has the world really been demanding Forever Charmin?

Sometimes I get why certain ads pop up when I’m scrolling through my Twitter feed. Techie stuff. (I do a lot of searching for info related to my clients.) Financial services companies. (Targeting retired/retiring geezers.) Democratic candidates for anything. (For obvious reasons.) An ad for the limited addition retro-doublewide Popsicle. (What is not to like? I’m guessing that the knack for splitting one of those Popsicles is like riding a bicycle. Muscle memory kick in, and as long as the quiescently frozen confection is quiescently frozen so it’s really frozen hard. A squishy Popsicle does NOT split easily or well.)

And then there are the mystery popups.

No, I don’t really want to join Nikki Haley’s fan club. Decidedly not a fan.

And then there’s the ad for Charmin toilet paper. Charmin, the one toilet paper I’ve vowed never to buy since the first Mr. Whipple “don’t squeeze the Charmin” ad appeared well before my toilet-paper buying days. (And don’t get me going on those execrable Charmin “clean heinie” ads.)

Anyway, the ad that popped up just the other day was for the Charmin Forever Roll.

I’ve seen those giant rolls in public toilets, and in crummy bars and restaurants, but never for at-home, civilian use.

Who really wants or needs that?

Maybe no one, but that’s not what Charmin believes:

Charmin’s web site promotes Forever Roll starter kits that come with customized wall mounts or freestanding to accommodate the massive roll. A “subscribe & save” option includes free shipping in the U.S., and automatically delivers three rolls every three months for $13.17, before tax. (Source: CNBC)

TP subscription? Really?

Of course, they’re not targeting those of us who don’t actually have any interest in subscribing to toilet paper. We’re the old guard who, when we hear the word “subscribe” think newspaper, not toilet paper. And Charmin doesn’t care about us old fogeys who don’t find it a major inconvenience to throw a couple of rolls in the grocery cart when we’re shopping, who have enough time on our hands to see to the incredibly time-consuming and arduous task of putting a new roll on.

No, Charmin’s targeting the younger folks:

Rob Reinerman, Director of Innovation, P&G Family Care, tells  CNBC Make It that the company believes the Forever Roll will be especially useful to millennials who may be living alone or in limited square footage.  “Since our TP can last up to one month, that means it takes up less room for storage than a larger pack of TP would, and the Forever Roll can be delivered directly to your address to save the hassle of carrying TP and other purchases into your home.”

The “hassle of carrying TP and other purchases into your home”?

Because millennials are too busy, what, dreaming up time-wasting apps, or swiping right – or is it left? – on Tinder, to be bothered shopping for TP?

Maybe I’m just jealous. I came of age when you either did the boring, adulting tasks like shopping and laundry or they didn’t get done. Maybe my time could have been better spent working on a novel. Or reading someone else’s novel.

Maybe the kids have it right. Why not just outsource all the humdrum, quotidian chores, if you can afford to?

I’m admittedly a bit of a hypocrite here. I don’t really like to clean, so I have cleaning people in every two weeks. Sure, it’s probably a waste of money. I’m pretty neat and clean, and it would probably take me less than an hour a week to take care of most of my regular cleaning. But, as my husband used to say, “I’d take a job as a clerk at the 7/11 before I gave up the cleaning people.”

Still, switching to a big, subscription based roll of toilet paper to save the time and effort associated with buying toilet paper and storing toilet paper is on an altogether different level. Ridiculously so. (And just how much storage space does a couple of rolls take up, anyway? Pretty much fits under the sink, no?) Not to mention the onerous task of putting a new roll on. Which, let’s face it, you can do while sitting on the pot. Multi-tasking at its finest!

Anyway, Charmin is one of a number of consumer-products companies that are exploring making life more convenient for single-person households.

I may not be a millennial, but as a single-person householder, I’m all in favor of smaller servings.

I’d love to see Nashoba Brook Bakery come out with half-loaves. And if grocery stores would offer smaller amounts of parsley, I’m all in.

But giant rolls of toilet paper?

Come on, Charmin, just squeeze yourself out of my Twitter feed!