Who’s Tom Terrific? The Greatest Hero Ever.

If he’s not the Greatest Of All Time (GOAT) among NFL quarterbacks, I’d like to know who is.

And when I watch him turn in yet another of his clutch performances, I am always in slack-jawed amazement at just how mentally tough this guy is.

But am I a big Tom Brady fan?

Not really.

Sure, he’s a great athlete. And he’s damned good looking. But anytime I’ve heard him speak, he comes across as just plain dull. This may because, as a celebrity – especially in these parts – someone that everyone wants a piece of – especially in these parts – he may just be guarded in his public pronouncements. Maybe IRL he’s scintillating, an interesting storyteller, a wit. But I’ve never seen it. So just plain dull is my story, and I’m sticking with it.

(The one aspect of his IRL that I do find mildly interesting, in a just plain dull sort of way, is his quirky diet. No white food, no nightshades…)

In addition to being a great athlete, Tom Brady is also a pretty savvy marketer. He does ads for upscale products, and he’s pretty adept at pushing his TB12 brand – 12 being Brady’s player number - which is slapped on clothing, nutrition (no nightshades need apply), and paraphernalia (like a phone case that has the TB12 logo slapped on the back of a goat).

Not content to own the TB12 brand, Brady’s company is now trying to trademark “Tom Terrific.”

The Washington Post reported that Brady’s company filed two applications last month with the United States Patent and Trademark Office. One covers collectible trading cards, sports trading cards, posters, and printed photographs; the other is for T-shirts and shirts, the Post reported. The applications, first publicized by Philadelphia’s Gerben Law Firm, were made on a 1B or ‘‘intent-to-use’’ basis, which means that the company is planning a line of products bearing the nickname, according to the Post. (Source: Boston Globe)

Tom Terrific? I beg to differ. And not because “Tom Terrific” is the name associated with Hall of Fame pitcher Tom Seaver. (Sadly, Seaver at the age of 74, is suffering from dementia and has withdrawn from public life.)

Yes, it would be nasty enough if Tom Brady were making a play for Tom Seaver’s nickname. In fact, there’s been plenty of outcry against the move from all sorts of folks, including a long roster of professional athletes, many of them football (not baseball) players. Not surprising, given that Tom Seaver is, as far as I can tell, pretty non-controversial and well-liked. Which can’t be said for Tom Brady.

Outside of New England, there are those who, while not being able to deny his obvious gifts and achievements as a quarterback, consider him a football-deflating cheater pants and/or the beneficiary of the Patriots vaunted football system, into which any old quarterback could be slotted and succeed. And there are legions of non-New England Patriots fans who just hate everything to do with the Patsies – from the team’s owner Bob “Massage Parlor” Kraft on over to Brady and onto all those Super Bowl rings. (Whoever said ‘everybody loves a winner’ didn’t know what they were talking about.)

Intellectual property lawyers have noted a number of reasons why Brady’s trademark application could fail: if it’s ‘merely ornamental’, or ‘merely descriptive’ or causes confusing with Tom Seaver-related usage or it’s ‘self-laudatory.’

Self-laudatory. Had to laugh at that one. Not our Tom…

But to me, Tom Terrific isn’t associated with Tom Brady or with Tom Seaver.

To me, there’s only one Tom Terrific,  and that’s the goofy little funnel-hat-wearing, shape-shifting boy who, along with his companion, Mighty Manfred the Wonder Dog, appeared in cartoons on Captain Kangaroo in the late 1950’s.

I’m Tom Terrific, the greatest hero ever

Terrific is the name for me, ‘cause I’m so clever

I can be what I want to be

And, if you’d like to see,

Follow, just follow me

Tom Terrific, while plenty self-laudatory, could turn himself into anything he wanted to: an airplane, a diesel train, a bee, a tree. Which can’t be said of Tom Brady. Or Tom Seaver, for that matter. Why, I bet Tom Terrific could even turn himself into a nightshade, if he wanted to.

So Pink Slip’s advice to TB12? Enough is enough. Withdraw the application.

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Yesterday, after I’d completed this piece, Tom Brady announced that his desire for a trademark on Tom Terrific was a defensive strategy, to prevent others from using it to hawk merchandise in his name. While this is a relief, I still stick with my position that the original Tom Terrific is still the greatest.