Sustainable craft water. YGTBKM.

No, not the craft water that you buy in craft stores so that you can make fake floral arrangements look real by adding clear epoxy. (Not that I’d ever heard of that, either, until I googled craft water. Live and learn, whether you like it or not.)

No, I’m talking about, Liquid Death, the canned water brought to you by Mike Cessario.

First, there’s that name. Because nothing says healthy, refreshing and thirst-quenching like Liquid Death. At least to me, but I’m not straight-edge, and I don’t stan punk/heavy metal. So edgy punky water packaged in a tall boy can, sporting a nifty SS Toten-Kopf font and swell skull image, is not aimed at my demographic.

But investors are betting that the edgy-punksters will chug it down. The Liquid Death folks have just gotten a filler-up round of funding ($1.6M) to bring their product to market and start murdering thirst.

As must be obvious from the name, tagline, and Toten-Kopf font – not to mention the day-of-the-deadish skull – Cessario rejects what he sees as the “bland and boring” 1950’s style used for most consumer products.

And he’s betting he’s found his audience:

Cessario's "straight edge" contemporaries were looking for a water brand that spoke to them, instead of to "Whole Foods yoga moms," as he puts it. Straight-edge punks are sober, Cessario said, but still otherwise all in on the punk lifestyle. (Source: Business Insider)

Oh, those Whole Food yoga moms, hefting their 12 packs of Poland Springs into their carts. Wouldn’t want to be mistaken for one of those.

"At first we knew the easiest crowd for us is anyone into heavy metal, punk rock, and that kind of world because they immediately get the joke and get the humor and have never seen anything like it. What makes this appealing for such a large group is that it feels like a niche thing."

So, is the joke murdering thirst? The Nazi-like font? The name Liquid Death? Guess I’m as obtuse as the average Whole Food yoga mom in that I don’t immediately get it.

Anyway, Cessario wouldn’t say no to other demographics grabbing the gusto. He’s counting on teenagers to follow the 20-somethings he sees embracing Liquid Death. He’s also banking on the appeal of those aluminum cans, as they’re more eco-friendly than plastic bottles. Plus, the brand is “small and craft,” although what “craft” means when it comes to plain old water beats me.

Then there’s the water’s source: it’s sustainable. As, fortunately, are most water sources. At least for now. But – get this for edge – the source for that water is Austria. Post-Anschluss Austria, to be sure, but well in keeping with the Toten-Kopf font, nein? Achtung, baby.

Plus, for each can of Liquid Death sold, the company will donate a nickel to clean plastic out of oceans.

Well, that’s sure noble of you, but, as the saying goes, sustainability my royal Irish arse.

The water comes from the Austrian Alps, so it needs to make it’s way to wherever it’s canned by plane/boat/train/truck. From there, it needs to get schlepped to distributors.

And then it’s sold online. Which means that it needs to be unsustainably delivered from a warehouse somewhere to your doorstep.

And keep in mind: unlike a pair of ballet flats from Zappo’s, or a pair of Bombas socks, which are other items that you can order online, water is kind of heavy to ship. It’s not like the cans are iron and full of lead, but a lot of energy gets used up delivering bottled water – which is one of the big complaints against it – and it takes the same amount of energy to deliver canned water, no? (Make that “nein?”)

Unlike my wonderfully sustainable tap water from Quabbin Reservoir that’s piped into my very home.

We should all be more conscious about all the packaging materials, all the shipping costs, that are consumption-mad lifestyles entail. And one way to cut back on all this is to, say, wash out a wine bottle and fill it from your tap. So that at least the water you consume in your home doesn’t come in a bottle that some sea turtle’s head is going to get stuck in.

I know, I know, straight-edgers won’t have wine bottles at their disposal, since they don’t drink. But I’m sure they’re crafty enough to figure out some way to store their tap.

Liquid Death. Yet again, I am just as happy that my career was in tech marketing, not consumer.