I ended up watching the last hour or so of the Oscars, turning it on right around the point where Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper did their goo-goo eyes duet of “Shallow.” The song was from A Star is Born - one of the few “best picture” nominees I saw last year. I also saw Vice and Black Panther, so I didn’t have much way of dogs in the awards hunt.
The Academy Awards have never held much interest for me, even back in the day when I was a pretty avid movie-goer. It’s always struck me as Hollywood bending over to air kiss their own arse. Meh.
But I am always interested in seeing what’s in the swag bag that all of the nominees for the major awards are given.
The bags are basically an exercise in marketing, in which companies hoping for some publicity provide goodies (or gift certificates for the goodies, which is generally the case). The Academy is always quick to point out that the swag bag has nothing to do with “The Academy”. It’s all done through a marketing outfit called Distinctive Assets, which delivers the bags to the nominees ahead of time – I guess so that those nominated for lesser awards (“Best Cinematography in a Foreign Language Short”) don’t get their noses out of joint watching the 1 percenters get mo’ better stuff. (Just checked and “Ain’t We Got Fun,” which has lyrics that include:
One thing we’re sure of
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer
Predated the Oscars and was, thus, never nominated for the Best Song. Too bad.)
Another reason may be that Distinctive Assets doesn’t want folks weighed down with their bags when the nominees, win or lose, just want to get to their post-show party. Wouldn’t want the best actress and best supporting actress nominees to have to worry about a heavy swag bag throwing them off balance while they’re struggling just to stay upright on six-inch Louboutins.
Some of the assets that are included in the swag bags are anything but distinctive.
One of this year’s gems is a toilet plunger with a rubber version of the poop emoji for the plunge part.
On second thought, that is plenty distinctive. But who would want one, other than someone with a 4 year old who has their own bathroom and finds potty humor just hilarious?
Cannabis was a subtheme this year, with gifts that included marijuana-infused chocolates and a year’s free membership in MOTA, a “cannabis-friendly club.”
A travel company is offering glam small-group luxury packages to Iceland, the Galapagos, the Amazon, Costa Rica and Panama. Let’s see, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were both big award nominees. Some viewers seem to have forgotten that Gaga and Cooper are actors, and were going gaga over their duet, feeling that it was a tad bit too get-a-room bill-and-cooey. If those viewers are correct, then the couple will be able to take two luxury getaways. Just in case they do need more, and there’s somethin’ else they’re searchin’ for. (For those not in the Best Song know: these lyrics are from “Shallow.”)
Or they could go on a Golden Door Wellness Retreat, where a week of retreating for wellness can run to $10K.
I’m guessing that Gaga, Cooper and all the rest of the high-end nominees already have personal trainers. But if they don’t, they now have 10 free workout sessions with a “celebrity trainer”. Or someone hoping to become a “celebrity trainer.”
Other stuff in the bag includes color-changing lipstick that responds to your body’s pH and skin temperature. There’s organic maple syrup products from Rouge Maple. As a major fan of maple sugar candy, I wouldn’t mind getting me some of that. And there’s a bag in a bag: a tote bag and t-shirt branded Love Is Stronger Than Hate.
Nice sentiment, that, but there’s not a ton of evidence that suggests it’s true. But, of course, even the Proud Boys wouldn’t want to wear a brand that suggests that Hate Is Stronger Than Love.
What else is in there? Lemonade-flavored moonshine, a dog leash, a spy pen, false eyelashes, and something that’s truly not for everyone: a “wearable, silent breast pump.”
The value is well-above $100K – taxable only when you cash in the gift certificates. Don’t know if you have to declare the false eyelashes and MJ chocolates. Or the poop emoji plunger – available at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, or KMart, if you’re interested. Only $19.99…
Whatever’s in there, it doesn’t make me feel at all bad about, yet again, not being a nominee. (Ugh! Just imagine: the dress, the heels, the hair, the makeup. And you’d have to be there in person. I’d rather not watch from the comfort of my own home.)
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Sources: Money, Vulture.com
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