Shopping with Gwyneth, Part 2

Yesterday, I window-shopped my way through half of Goop’s Holiday Gift Guides. Talk about mentally exhausting! So much precious Gwyneth-ness.

There’s her poor mother, Blythe Danner, eking out a living doing ads for antidotes for post-menopausal osteoporosis, while Gwyneth gets to pick out all sorts of lifestyle products for those who aspire to the ultra-thin, eco-friendly, rose-gold way of life.

Fortified by a good night’s sleep and the sort of chow that never passed through Gwyneth Paltrow’s lips, I was able to virtually thumb my way through the remaining six gift guides.

The Lover Gift Guide

Given that my only love interest is Lawrence O’Donnell, whose show I watch on MSNBC every night at 10 p.m., I was going to give this guide a pass. But for old, old, old times sake, I forced my way through. Big mistake. I’d barely gotten over the $240 bright red Ophelia Whistling Lace Bodysuit, when lo and behold the $240 Studded Handled Flogger. (Gwyneth, please.) Then there were all those vibrators, some of which had names (The Tennis Coach, The Fireman…), and one of which (the sold out one) was a sleek and slender vibrator necklace. (Don’t leave home without.) And so on.

My pick: the rose that lasts a year. Because I ain’t never going to get any flowers from Lawrence O’Donnell. Oh, boo hoo.

The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide

Well, this guide was a lot more my speed, and I was quite interested to see how ridiculous something would need to be to get on the ridiculous list, given that Goop pretty much specializes in ridiculous. Some of these gifts were almost inexpensive enough to qualify for a Yankee Swap item. Like the $39 mini butter churn. But a lot of them were right up there with the glam Nieman Marcus fantasy gifts. Like the $7.7K Hermes Surfboard. And the $150K Muse for the Day trip to London to pose for a famous (I guess) photographer.

Some of the gifts were misplaced. That banana lamp should have been in with the lover gifts. I really liked the $139K ultra-cool RV. But I had to go for the Loofa of the Month pick. A bargain at $6/month. (Now that MJ is legal in Massachusetts, maybe I should reconsider and go for the gold rolling papers.)

The Cook Guide

Now normally, I’m not someone who goes all ga-ga over stuff for cooks. But most of the stuff on this list was useful and/or interesting. I did a bit of head-scratching when I saw the Walnut Zester Grater. Who zests walnuts? Then I read the fine print and saw that the walnut was the handle. That made sense.  There were a couple of nice salad server sets, and a cool little glass olive oil bottle. I thought that the “gold” measuring cups and spoons were a bit much. Gold just doesn’t strike me as all that kitchen-y. But maybe it’s the arch thing in Goop-world.

Anyway, my kitchen is already pretty well-equipped. (I already have a zester.) So I’ll throw a $90 jar of Lauren’s All Purpose Salve in my basket. Tis the season to have dry hands, after all. And this seems like quite the practical item: “a thick ointment that works as a moisturizer, shaving cream, hair mask, makeup remover, and lubricant.” I have no idea what a hair mask is, and I’m afraid to ask what the lubricant is for. But I’ll go for it anyway.

The Guy Guide

No need to spend a New York minute on this one. Sigh. Lawrence and I don’t exchange Christmas gifts, which isn’t likely to change anytime soon, given that our relationship is completely one way: I turn on MSNBC at 10 p.m., and Lawrence is sitting there smiling at me. Maybe I’ll tweet somethingclever and he’ll like it…Anyway, given this sad state of non-affairs, I spent very little time in this virtual aisle. Just enough to pick out a Larq Self-Cleaning Bottle. Because I’m all for anything that’s self-cleaning. Only $95.  A stainless steal.

The Collector Gift Guide

Maybe you have to be Gwyneth, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what was collector-ish about this collection. Do people collect Scrabble sets? Incense burners? Fragrance flasks?

People collect autographs. Sale and pepper shakers. Baseball cards. Watches. Pens. But incense burners? Guess there’s no accounting for collections.

The one item here that caught my eye was the Flyte Royal Levitating Light. I don’t think I’d ever want more than one in my collection. And at $349, I couldn’t afford more than one. But it seems like a worthy item to at least have a ones-y of. And how much fun to watch anything levitating, other than my political angst.

The One and Only Gift Guide

Perhaps I am all shopped out. Or all gooped out. But I really couldn’t concentrate on this guide. I sprinted through at quite a clip, spotting a Birkin Bag, a pair of $22K earrings, a $200 pair of shorty pajamas… Enough! I’m going to grab the $1,495 cashmere blanket and throw it over my head.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I didn’t find everything on Goop to be ridonculous. Yes, plenty of it is. And plenty is twee. Or too precious for words. Or way too rose-gold-y. But some of it I actually liked. Not well enough to pay for it. But liked okay.

Anyway, the best thing about window shopping is that it’s all free.

Gooping around for a couple of evenings didn’t cost me a dime.