I’d like to buy the world a Moxie and keep it company

I’m all in favor of regional peculiarities – accents,  retail outfits, words, products – surviving the inexorable slog toward homogeneity.

I like hearing MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell lapse into his Boston accent. I cheered when I heard him pronounce Cuba Cuber. Good on ye, Larry!

I still refer to Macy’s as Jordan Marsh, and descending into my local Roche Brothers to go grocery shopping, I’m always a bit wistful that it’s on the site of Filene’s Basement.

I miss leaving the shady comfort of the piazza (a porch of a three-decker, for those who didn’t have the benefit of growing up in Worcester) to head down to the spa (corner store) to buy a bottle of tonic (soda) on a hot summer’s day.

But what I don’t miss is buying a bottle Moxie, one of New England’s very own contribution to the soft drink world.

When I was a kid, Moxie was advertised – not by this fellow, but by Ted Williams – and Moxie was sold, but I don’t believe that anyone actually ever drank Moxie. Not even by my father, who consumed all sorts of noxious food stuffs, like finnan haddie and pickled pigs feet, drank Moxie. (I always associated my the worst of my father’s food preferences with Irish cuisine. When I first started traveling to Ireland, I was somewhat surprised to find that the food is actually good there. The one favored food of my father’s that I loved – a raisin nut cake known en famille “Daddy’s Favorite” – I never associated with Ireland. That is, until I had barmbrack in an Irish tea room.)

It was not until I was an adult that I actually tasted Moxie for the first time, and that was when bottles were given out for free at some sort of sports event – minor league baseball or pro soccer. I’ve forgotten.

It was dreadful, a ghastly combination of shoe polish and rust. I almost looked down my shirt to see if just that mere sip-een had been enough to put hair on my chest. Talk about a soft drink with nothing soft about it.

Amazing to me that Moxie has survived all these years – long enough to be (amazingly) acquired by Coca-Cola.

Have a Moxie and a smile? (Have a Moxie and a grimace?)

It’s the real thing? Now that would be truth in advertising, if the real thing tasted like shoe polish and rust, and sprung hair on your chest.

Anyway:

Soft drink giant Coca-Cola said Tuesday [August 28] it is acquiring Moxie, a long-lived and beloved New England soda brand that is the official state beverage of Maine. (Source Boston Globe)

I’ll give you long-lived, but beloved? By whom?

I’ve been a New Englander since December 1949. Here lie my parents. And grandparents (half of them). And great-grandparents (half of them). Here live my siblings (75% of them). Some of my best friends are New Englanders. My husband was from Vermont. And I’ve yet to meet anyone who loves Moxie.

Moxie has been around since the 19th century and it’s famous in New England for its unique flavor, which is the product of a root extract that gives it a distinctive taste that polarizes drinkers.

Since I don’t know anyone who likes, let alone loves, Moxie, I’m not quite sure who’s being polarized here. When I think polarization w.r.t. soft drinks, I’m thinking Worcester’s own Polar Soda. And no one I know is actually polarized about Polar Soda. We all love it.

Coca-Cola said it’s acquiring the brand from Coca-Cola of Northern New England, an independent bottling partner of the larger company based in Bedford, N.H.

Bottling of the soda will remain in New Hampshire, said Lauren Thompson, a spokeswoman for Coca-Cola.

She said the company’s goal is to ‘‘work to protect the heritage and regional culture of the brand.’’

Protect the heritage of what, spit takes? As for regional culture, I suppose New Englanders have a reputation for being flinty, ornery, obnoxious, and decidedly unsweet. So if those are attributes of our culture, protect away.

Coca-Cola sees an opportunity to bring Moxie’s brand to a wider audience, but distribution of Moxie will not change, Thompson said.

Never say never, but I can’t imagine people adopting Moxie as their bev of choice. Then again, I don’t understand Red Bull. And I really don’t understand Dr. Pepper. (Tastes worse than Moxie, IMHO).

(Speaking of a wider audience, given that Polar Soda is actually a very strong, popular and drinkable regional brand, I was pleasantly surprised on a recent visit to Dallas that my hosts (Rhode Island) natives had been able to procure some for me at their local grocery store.)

The price of the sale of Moxie was not disclosed, but it really can’t be all that much. Whatever they paid, I’d rather Coke had bailed out Necco so that we could still have Sweet Hearts for Valentine’s Day, and an occasional Sky Bar.

The drink is also widely used as a mixer in New England to make ‘‘Moxie cocktails.’’

I’ll take their word for it. Must be a hipster thing.

Let’s leave it at I’d like to buy the world a Moxie and keep it company – as long as I don’t have to drink the vile thing.

As I said, I’m all in favor of regional peculiarities, but Moxie is a bit to peculiar even for my peculiar tastes.