What with the Manafort verdict, the Michael Cohen plea, and the whole unindicted co-conspirator thang, it’s been a pretty big week, legal-wise. These were all pretty big deals, so I’m somewhat reluctant to insert my own more modest, less publicized brush with the law, but here goes.
The other day, I had an exceedingly important message on my landline answering machine. Landline. Answering machine. How retro. How old school. But, frankly, it’s nice to have a phone that collects all those political robo-calls and asks for donations. Plus, I believe I’ve had the same phone number for over 40 years, and I feel something of a sentimental attachment to it. And, of course, it’s good to have a place where folks who are looking out for my good can get a hold of me and let me know that I’m in big trouble.
Unfortunately, the message starts in mid-stream. This might be due to technical difficulties on the caller’s side. Or it may be a way to capture my attention.
Anyway, the truncated message started innocuously enough:
…there which will get expired in next 24 working hours.
But I was thinking, ‘huh, just what is it that’s getting expired.’ Then I learned that, apparently, I’ve been up to no good.
…And once it get expired after that you will be taken under custody by the local police.
Sure, I jaywalk, but that doesn’t get you taken into custody. Or does it?
Maybe the authoritarian police state has begun, and I just didn’t notice because it’s not all that in force in Massachusetts. But maybe the thought – and blog – police have figured out that I’m not exactly a fan of the incumbent pretender to the throne. Maybe they’re coming for me. Well, it’s not that I’d exactly welcome it, but, as a paranoid liberal, I’ve kind of been expecting it for the past, oh, 50 years or so.
As there are four serious allegations pressed on your name at the moment, we request that you get back to us so that we can discuss about this case before taking legal action against you.
Four serious allegations pressed on my name?
I haven’t been to confession since I was in high school, but I used to know how to make an examination of conscience. Turns out, it’s like riding a bicycle. You never forget how. So I wracked and wracked and wracked my brain, examined and examined and examined my conscience, and couldn’t come up with much beyond jaywalking.
Both my parents are gone, so the historic standards – lied to my mother, talked back to my father – don’t work anymore. And sure, I do fight with my brothers and sisters on occasion. Minor squabbles. Nothing that anyone would consider a venial sin, let alone a mortal one.
But is it a sin to make a political donation to someone outside my district? It’s not like a pretended to live in Texas when I scooted $50 Beto O’Rourke’s way. Or faked a Wisconsin address to toss $50 to the Iron Stache. Still, if there’s four serious allegations, I have made at least four modest political donations over the last month or so for candidates that I can’t vote for.
Fortunately, they gave me the number to call to clear all this up – 61934997644 – and they even repeated it for me. And then, anticipating my compliance with their request that I contact them to clear up these allegations, the voice said “thank you.”
I’m sure it will cost me a few bucks. But, after all, if I have money to burn to support candidates that aren’t in my district, I can pony up the dough to clear up those four serious allegations. I’ll put the call back on my to-do list. I realize that they did give me some wrong info, as whatever was set to expire in 24 hours obviously didn’t expire in 24 hours. But I’m sure they’re spot-on with respect to those allegations. I mean, why would they call me if there wasn’t something to it…
Guess I should hang onto my landline. It just might be the only way I can stay out of big trouble.
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Okay, okay. These scammers – who sound like they’re speaking English as a third language – are clearly scammers. But if I were, say, an undocumented worker. Or someone without much education, without any financial (or intellectual) wherewithal, someone who might have an ancient outstanding warrant floating around out there… Maybe I’d get sucked into calling that number and sending those rotters some money I didn’t have. Creeps!
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