Get on the bus, Gus

A few weeks back, there was a provocative headline in The Economist. It read “Can coach companies lure business people on board?”

I’m going to stick my neck out there and say, ah, no. That is, unless the only other ways to get from Point A to Point B is on the back of a hyena or via Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. And I even take that partially back. I’d prefer a wild ride on Mr. Toad’s fliver.

I really and truly don’t like bus travel.

Even local buses I find irritating.

Let alone longer hauls.

Give me planes, boats, trains, and Uber, any old day.

I am, however, no stranger to inter-city bus travel.

I went to college in Boston and took many a bus ride back and forth to/from Worcester. And hated every moment. The bus station in Park Square, right next to the Hillbilly Ranch, was completely seedy and depressing. The longer haul Greyhound Station a few blocks away wasn’t much better. Just bigger.

While in college, I went on my longest bus ride ever: from Boston to Washington DC and back, on a yellow school bus with no padding on the seats and no bathroom on board, to protest the Vietnam War. It was stuffy, overheated and uncomfortable, and on the way back the folks seated near me were passing around Southern Comfort. So I spent that trip feeling nauseated by the smell of it. All that said, while I wouldn’t exactly say the trip was fun, it was purposeful and rewarding. And I got to see my only Beatle performance: John Lennon leading the crowd of half-a-million or so in “Give Peace a Chance.”

I spent a year in grad school in NYC and the only way to get there from Worcester, other than when my cousin who lived in Manhattan was driving home, was the bus. I didn’t come home all that often, but it was generally via bus.

My worst bus trip from NY to Worcester was when I came home on Thanksgiving Eve. (Where was my cousin when I really needed him?) I got on the bus at the GW Bridge, as that was a smidge closer to Columbia than was Port Authority, and immediately fell asleep. When I woke up several hours later, we were just nearing Yankee Stadium – a distance of a couple of miles. All in all, that trip – which should have been 3-4 hours ended up taking 8 hours.

Oh, and I think that by the time we got to Worcester, there was a blizzard on.

On another trip from NYC to Worcester, I paid a couple of bucks extra for the new luxury “business class” service the bus line was trying out. There was a stewardess on board and she served ghastly little egg salad sandwiches on white bread. I don’t believe the service lasted beyond the trial runs. (Egg salad! Come on!)

For most of my adult, Boston-living life, I’ve been carless, so over the years, I took plenty of bus trips to Worcester to see my mother. These days, there’s a commuter train, but Worcester used to be farther from Worcester, commuter-wise, and there wasn’t one then. The bus ride was a bit under an hour, but there was always something depressing and downside about being on a bus.

I’d also on occasion take the bus to visit my friend Marie in Providence, but as soon as there were more frequent trains, I switched transportation modes.

I’ve taken limo coaches to NYC a couple of times, and they were comfortable enough, but they weren’t that much cheaper than the train, so there was really no point.

And I do take the bus when I visit my cousin on The Cape. (When I visit my sister, who lives on the other end of The Cape, I get to take the bus to P’town, which is a far finer experience.)

Bus? Blech!

And other than on the Limoliner, I don’t recall ever seeing a business traveler on one.

But in Germany, Flixbus coaches actually do carry business folks. I.e., people in suits, a type I am well familiar with by having spent a few career years making regular, often weekly, runs between Boston and NYC on the Eastern Shuttle, The Big Apple, Delta, People’s Express, PanAm and – I do believe – even the Trump Shuttle.

Flixbus’s raison d'être is to expand the market through lower fares and attracting new demographics to try long-distance coach travel…The firm has already had great success at doing this: since Flixbus launched its first route in 2013, it has grabbed 90% of the market in Germany, and [launched] in America on May 15th.

So far, they’re only operating out West – California, Arizona, Nevada.

I did once drive from Las Vegas – I was there for a business conference – to Flagstaff to visit my brother, and if I ever had to make that trip again (which I most assuredly will not, as Tom no longer lives in Flag and I no longer attend business conferences in Las Vegas), I would consider taking a bus.

The drive is just so monotonous, and there are plenty of sections where on long swaths of the road there’s nothing but cactus, sand, mesquite, barbed wire, the odd ranch house, the odder gas station, and the oddest cattle skull.

When I took this solo trip, cell phone coverage was spotty out West, and there were a number of times when I was feeling pretty isolated and alone. Which, of course, I was. Not to mention a tad bit scared that some old Cactus Pete with a shotgun was going to leap out from behind a saguaro and plug my tires.

It didn’t help that the sun was broiling, the car was black, and the AC punked out right after I crossed the Hoover Dam.

So, much as I despise bus service, I would consider taking Flixbus from Las Vegas to Flagstaff, should the need arise.

Flixbus is counting on their trips being “cheaper than flying and faster than by rail”. There’s a similar startup in Britain that “hopes to lure business people on his routes, using luxury buses with tables and Wi-Fi for working that are used by Premier League football teams during the week.” (Smile on my face thinking about NFL teams on a bus trip any further than from the stadium to the airport.)

But coaches still have a long way to go before they become a mainstream form of travel for business people in a hurry and for one big reason: road congestion.

Yep, you’re leaving the driving to someone else, but you’re still sitting in traffic. Not to mention that you’re on the bus, Gus.

I’m holding out for Elon Musk’s Boring Co. to bore some of them there hyperloop tunnels from here to there.