Even though analysis revealed the disturbing information that my DNA is 12% English – Jaysus, is my grandmother rolling in her grave muttering that the taint must be from my grandfather’s side – I’m not what you might call a monarchist. If I had to pick a side, well, Brits Out!
Nonetheless, I did keep an eye on the Meghan-Harry nuptials. After all, my husband and I were watching Suits in season one, when no one knew who Meghan Markle was. But we did: she was Rachel Zane. And after all, Harry is definitely the cute prince-brother. (Wha’ happened, Wills?)
Not that I got to watch it – I was traveling that day - but I did see news about the wedding. And I did buy the People magazine dedicated to the blessed event. So I know that Amal Clooney’s outfit was a canary yellow that even she can’t carry off. That Oprah’s dress wasn’t flattering. That Princess Eugenie looked like a PanAm stewardess from 1965. (Or was that Princess Beatrice?) That Princess Beatrice looked like some weird-order postulant. (Or was that Princess Eugenie?) And what was up with that jewelry designer who paired a navy blue jumpsuit with a hat that wouldn’t have looked out of place on Alice Longworth Roosevelt, c. 1906.
The best news, though, to come out of the latest royal wedding is the identity of a key commentator, Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills.
Mace-Archer-Mills – don’t think I’ve ever seen a triple-hyphenated name; well played – is the founder of the British Monarchist Society & Foundation. He’s written a couple of books on royal tipples. He’s a radio personality and frequent TV guest as an expert on the monarchy, where his commentary is given in a plummy, just-so British accent that I suppose would have made my British forebears proud.
Turns out that Thomas Mace-Archer-Mills is actually Thomas Muscatello from Upstate New York who acquired his first British accent when he appeared in Oliver! in high school. It was the Wall Street Journal that found him out. But it seems he Tommy had already found who he was:
“I found where I'm supposed to be and who I am supposed to be,” Mace-Archer-Mills told the newspaper, explaining that he feels more connected to Britain than the United States. He even found an elderly British man who agreed that Mace-Archer-Mills could call him his grandfather. He met him outside Buckingham Palace as a teenager. (Source: WaPo)
Good on’ ye (as the Irish would say), Tommy Muscatello, for figuring out where and who you’re supposed to be. I think I’ve got half of it covered. I really am supposed to be in Boston. Still working on who I’m supposed to be, unless I’m willing to accept that I’m it already and that it’s too late to be Maureen Dowd or Joyce Carol Oates. As from Thomas,
He often appeared in a bow tie, tweed jacket and cap. Speaking to a Norwegian TV channel just ahead of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's wedding in May, the American emphasized “keeping integrity, keeping formality and making sure that the traditions and heritage that we have as British people remain at the forefront.”
Forget the bow tie, tweed jacket and cap. Sometimes Thomas gets totally tarted up. And forget Oliver! He looks more like Liza Doolittle’s father about to burst into “I’m Getting Married in the Morning” from My Fair Lady.
And what’s with that royal “we”? Come on, Tommy from Upstate.
Anyway, before becoming a toff-ist, Muscatello sold real estate, “and gave himself a hyphenated last name, adding DeLaCroix to the end to give himself a boost in business with French Canadian clients.” Real estate, it seems, is good experience for learning how to pull off a great imposter, although in the case of Thomas Muscatello-Mace-Archer-Mills there doesn’t seem to have been any fraud, foul, or harm. (If you look at the video embed from this Vanity Fair article, you might even conclude that he has a touch of the comedian in him.)
As Mace-Archer-Mills, he’s got plenty of irons in the fire. In addition to his royal commentator projects, he’s got a new mag Crown and Country:
This extraordinary publication is a unique blend of Royal themes, luxurious advertising and quality editorial which does not expire, thus making this publication one of the finest Royal periodicals in the world.
Yikes! Just how many “Royal periodicals” are there in the word?
Thomas Mace-Archer-Mills also does public speaking training, during which he provides handy tips like don’t rattle change and paper clips in your pocket. Good advice! So I’ll add the good bits I picked up in presentation skills training decades ago: If you’re wearing a skirt, make sure the
It is almost inevitable to report that Mace-Archer-Mills has also come out with a new cryptocurrency. I would have called it Coin of the Realm, but he went with Royal Coin. So Bitcoin, look out.
I hope that Thomas Mace-Archer-Mills can keep his multiple enterprises (except that Royal Con Coin). Despite blood that’s seemingly more British than that of Thomas Mace-Archer-Mills, other than looking at the Will-Kate cute kid pictures and royal headgear, I’m personally not all that interested in what the royals are up to. But if there are multiple publications devoted to the royals, there’s apparently a market for what he’s got on offer. And, let’s face it, it probably won’t be too very long before Prince Philip is off to that Balmoral in the sky, and Queen Elizabeth can’t last forever, either. So we have their funerals, and the coronation of King Charles (the person, on the dog breed) that will be crying out for commentary.
You’re adopted country will be needing you, Tommy boy, if only to remind King Charles to keep the paperclips out of his pockets.
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