In all my non-excitement over last week’s Academy Awards – Frances McDormand did something about women, Bonnie and Clyde made up for last year’s Best Picture announcement fail, the movie about the woman and the fishlike creature won, and I do believe the only film I saw last year in a movie theater was Lady Bird - I nearly lost sight of an ultra important aspect of the Oscars: what’s in the swag bag?
As you are no doubt well aware, each year the main nominees (directing and acting) get swag bags full of all sorts of goodies. So even if you don’t get a statue, you get something to show for your troubles. (Sorry Saoirse Ronan, Laurie Metcalf, and Greta Gerwig: I thought Lady Bird was great, but nary a one of your won anything. At least you didn’t go home completely empty-handed.)
The point, of course is marketing. After all, the folks that get the swag bags are likely to have enough $$$ to afford all these goodies on their own. Maybe they should randomly draw a few names from the lesser nominees – Best Use of a Weird Voice in an Animated Short – and put a smile on a few faces that could use the loot.
Anyway, the swag bag is worth over $100K, and this year’s edition has in it:
A 12-Night Trip to Zanzibar and Tanzania
For two. Because who wants to go on a lux trip with private meals and private safari guide all on their lonesome? One thing I’m wondering: is there just one trip that all the winners take at once, or can they go on a truly private version – or semi-private with their SO? I mean do Frances McDormand and her husband the Coen brother want to hob-nob with Daniel Day-Lewis? Does Timothée Chalamet want to hang with Meryl Streep? Not that I really need to know the answer. For all I know, they all give their bag contents to their personal assistants or letter carriers.
A Week’s Worth of Spa Treatments
After doing a bit of shoveling last week, and with a still semifreddo shoulder going on, a 90-minute deep-tissue massage at the Golden Door sounds pretty darned good, even if the Golden Door sounds like a strip joint or porn film. But that’s just me thinking about the Golden Banana (“Boston’s premier strip club) and/or about the classic 1970’s porn flick, Behind the Green Door. Not that I saw it, but I do not believe it garnered any Academy Award nominations.
23andMe DNA Testing Kit
Seriously, at $99, I’m pretty sure that most folks can afford this one. But I am a sucker for this sort of thing, and love those shows that trace down the ancestry of Hollywood types, who all turn out to be the bastard great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Bonnie Prince Charlie, or have a distant relation who did the calligraphy on the Declaration of Independence. Watching these shows, I was always wondering why all these celebs had claim-to-fame antecedents, while us nobodies went back generation upon generation of non-entities. How could this be? Then I read that they cherry pick the actors who have something interesting in their background. I.e., they run down dozens of boring histories before coming up with someone related to Custer’s bugler. Oh. (Duh.) Anyway, if the swag bag recipients spit in the vial, I’m sure that some show or another will be contacting them if their DNA turns up that they’re related to Amelia Earhart or Julius Caesar.
A Six-Night Trip in Hawaii
We had a nasty frigid snap, and a couple of awful storms, but this winter – unless you live on the South Shore of Boston and had rogue waves washing over your two-story house – wasn’t all that bad. Nonetheless, a trip to Hawaii sounds not so bad this time of year. The rack rate for the one BR “luxury” villa is $500/night, by the way. Which sounds sort of low rent for the average Hollywood glamour puss. But which works for me.
Ten Personal Training Sessions
Theoretically, this sounds good. But then I think about someone whose website says “Welcome to a Better You,” which is what personal trainer Alexis Seletzky’s does. There is no doubt a better me lurking out there somewhere. Nonetheless, thanks, but no thanks.
A Stay at a Luxurious Greek Resort
One measly night a $460/night resort – yet another luxury villa, only this one’s in Greece, not Hawaii. If I’m going to drag all that way for a one-night stand, I think I’ll stop off at Lake Como and chill with George, Amal and the twins.
Color-Changing Lipstick
We’re getting closer to the bottom of the swag bag barrel here. This lipstick is only worth $22. But what, pray tell, is color-changing lipstick? I rarely wear lipstick – too much trouble to figure out what to do with that thin upper lip – but I can’t imagine wanting the color to change. Is it chameleon-like? Does it assume the color of whatever you’re wearing?
Okay, okay. I broke down and googled. It’s like a mood ring. Only for your lips. So it adjusts to your body chemistry to create the perfect hue. But apparently does nothing for a thin upper lip.
Other highlights
Hard to believe that My Magic Mud toothpaste is a highlight, but for $20 a tube, I guess it should be. And “hundreds of dollars worth of Le Cèline false eyelashes”? Maybe I’ll cede mine to my personal trainer. Or leave them in the bed-stand drawer at George and Amal’s.
And then there’s “access to a new dating app called “NeverMissed” before it launches.” Is it just me, or wouldn’t celebrities tend to avoid dating apps? But what do I know about dating apps or celebrities”
Sweet 68 and never been missed.
No wonder my personal swag bag is running on empty.
Source of Swaggy Baggy info: Money/Time
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