Well, today being Ash Wednesday, it’s as good a day as any to talk about a Boston startup which has the mission to make it easier for baby boomers to deal with the prospect of death.” (Ashes to ashes, and all that.)
Then there are the boomers like Ray Kurzweil, tech genius, who embrace The Singularity and think there’s no reason why folks – especially themselves – can’t live forever.
Layer on top that so many baby boomers went about losing their religion somewhere along the way, and, thus, no longer have what I consider the two great benefits that believer-ship brings with it: a) built-in life purpose; b) belief in an afterlife where you’ll be reunited with your loved ones.
I understand first hand that it’s easy enough to come up with a life purpose, even absent religion. But for the “easier to die” benefit, I do think that it relieves a bit of the tension if you think there are pearly gates and dear old dad on the other end of the life spectrum. We were with my mother when she died, and she was at complete peace believing that she was going to be seeing my father, my sister, et al. (including God) when she breathed her last.
But I was also with my husband when he died and I can absolutely attest that this cradle-Catholic atheist didn’t fear death in the least. Jim felt he’d had a good run. He’d lived the life he wanted and, after battling cancer a couple of times, he was ready to lay himself down to the Big Sleep. As he told our nieces a few weeks before his death, the one thing that made him sad about dying was knowing how sad it would make me. (He was right. Four years this Saturday. Life goes on, but you really don’t ever stop missing someone.)
However different their life and death outlooks, both my mother and Jim were well prepared for death.
All of my mother’s finances and other info (title to her car, etc.) were in order, everything carefully listed out. She had one bank account, with my name and my sister Kath’s on it, that had enough money in it to pay for her funeral, her burial, and the luncheon afterwards. There was even enough left over so that we all got a gift from the L.L. Bean catalog that Christmas. (In the last few years of her life, my mother did all her shopping via L.L. Bean request.) My mother also had the list of songs she wanted sung at her funeral.
My husband was also very plan-ful when it came to end of life. In addition to having all the financial stuff set up and ready to go (including passwords), in the last couple of weeks of his life, I came upon him on the phone with one of his credit card companies, cancelling his card. “I’ll be dying shortly,” I heard him tell the customer service rep, “And I don’t want my wife to have to do this.”
Once we knew that Jim’s condition was terminal, we talked about his memorial service. He really didn’t care that much about it; he knew it was for me. But he advised me to limit his cousin Steve to five minutes and not let him go too crazy, and he was happy with the stories that our friend Michele planned on telling. We also went through the places that he wanted his ashes to go. Most in a plot at Mt. Auburn Cemetery, site of frequent walks for us, and the rest (in way less than teaspoon amounts) in other places (like the graves of his parents and his aunt and uncle, in Ireland, in NYC…).
Jim even asked me in advance what I wanted the last words he said to me to be.
As I said, he was a plan-ful kind of guy…
Anyway, the Boston get ready for the end startup is Cake, “the easiest way to discover, share, and store your end-of-life preferences.” The company:
…has developed a website designed to help users navigate the thicket of legal documents and health care proxies associated with end-of-life planning. It also lets them assemble music playlists for their funerals and even choose whether to have a Facebook page deleted or converted to a memorial after they’ve stopped logging on. (Source: Boston Globe)
Unfortunately, it’s something of an uphill battle to sell Cake (“named for the notion that planning for death should be a ‘piece of cake’”) in large part because the end-of-life preference of so many boomers is not to have an end-of-life.
Not so Cake co-founders, palliative care physician Mark Zhang and engineer Suelin Chin.
Both in their thirties, they’ve already got their funeral playlists picked out. Chen has Bohemian Rhapsody on hers. So does the company’s CTO. I suppose if you want Scaramouche to dance the fandango on your grave… I haven’t given my playlist a ton of thought, but I’m pretty sure Queen won’t be on it.
Signing up to use Cake is free. The company makes its money from partners, such as Massachusetts General Hospital, Harvard Pilgrim Health Care, and Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts, which typically haven’t offered such planning services. The companies license customized versions of Cake’s software for use on their own websites, making it available to patients and members.
I’m not going to sign up tomorrow. I really don’t care what someone plays at my memorial service – or whether I have one. Up to you, sisters dear. But I do have a will, healthcare proxy, etc. That said I do have to pull a few things together so that I have a straightforward list of what’s where when the time comes. Which I hope isn’t for a good long while, but you never know. I really should get cracking, not to mention I really should get rid of that closet full of old laptops.
But I may well take a look at Cake. There may be something I’ve missed along the way. If nothing else, maybe it can get me to change my will and leave everyone I’m leaving something to an old laptop or two.
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Meanwhile, Happy Valentine’s Day!
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