Go nuts for cronuts

Forget everything you knew about “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.” 

Among epicures, screaming for sweeties is out, queuing is in. At least in lower Manhattan, where folks are lining up in the wee hours outside of Dominique Ansel’s Bakery so that they’ll be able to snag a cronut when the place opens. Not familiar with the cronut? Why, it’s a:

…a croissant-doughnut hybrid that has seized the New York imagination like a must-see show. (Source: Huff Po; picture, however, is from the bakery site itself.)

Now, there’s nothing wrong with an occasional donut. (My donut of choice: DD chocolate glaze.) And a once in a blue moon croissant is fine, too. (Croissant of choice: Au Bon Pain chocolate, spinach if I’m feeling virtuous.) So maybe a combo – pardon me, a hybrid – would be delish. Especially if concocted by a pastry chef who had worked at Fauchon, a gourmet food shop in Paris that’s food porn on display if I’ve ever seen it.

But would it be worth standing in line for two hours to get one?

This is not a trick question, and the answer is “no.”

At least if you’re anything like me, the type who seldom/never waits in line for anything.  Let alone a cronut.

This sort of reminds me of when Krispy Kreme opened a couple of stores in the Boston area, and folks were lining up for the opportunity to sample a diabetic-coma-inducing, tooth-enamel-penetrating, Southern fried confection. I actually was able to try one at a customer meeting. None of us were impressed, and I guess that goes for most of the locals, as well.  I just looked at their locations, and I believe the only one in New England is a Mohegan Sun (a casino in Connecticut).

As is well known, New Englanders are so naturally sweet that we don’t require infusion of cloying Krispy Kreme, thank you.

I’m quite certain that a cronut from Dominique Ansel is tastier than a Krispy Kreme donut, but I would not wait in (or, in New York parlance, on) line for one even it it promised to be the BEST THINKG EVAH. Or for anything else. We won’t even wait more than 10 minutes for a table in a restaurant. Some things are just not worth it.

Some New Yorkers have also decided that waiting two hours to buy a cronut is not worth it to them, either. But they are paying scalpers to get their hands and mouths on one.

The other day, the first in line were:

…a pair of cronut scalpers named Joe and Danny Bird who, moments after purchasing four of the $5 treats, have flipped them for $20 a piece to a woman who approached them about a cronut exchange before the bakery's doors even opened.

"Tomorrow, the price is double," says Joe Bird, who works in construction and is just flipping cronuts to pad his income. After his first purchase, he immediately gets back in line to buy a second round, with plans to unload those, too. Before most people are at work for the day, he and Danny are on track to clear $120.

The Bird-men aren’t the only ones.

On Craigslist, cronuts are on offer for $25 per, $55 if you buy two:

…unless you’re above 59th Street, in which case it’s $30 for one and $65 for two. It’s okay if you don’t have cash, he takes PayPal. (Source: Betabeat.)

More if you want to take delivery in Queens. You’re apparently out of luck if you live in the Bronx or Staten Island.

Of course, people who are paying $30 for a cronut are not really interested in the cronut. They’re just swept up in the madness of crowds, and want bragging rights for having bagged a cronut. In the old days, folks got to prove their mettle by being hunter-gatherers. Now they show their chops by effetely ordering up a couple of cronuts on Craigslist.  Okay, maybe this doesn’t really mean that we’re on the road to perdition, but it’s not exactly setting the societal/cultural bar any higher than the dismally low bracket it already occupies.

There used to be a cigarette ad that had a smoker claiming he’d walk a mile for a Camel.

Well, walking a mile is hardly a barrier to entry.

If I really wanted a cronut, I would have no problem walking a mile to get one.

But I’d be (honey) dipped before I’d wait in line two hours to buy one, let alone paying a scalper $25 for the privilege.

I suspect that the next time in New York, cronut-mania will have died down. If I’m in the neighborhood, I might drop in to Dominique Ansel’s and see what the big fuss was all about.

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A munch of cruller to my sister Trish for pointing this story out.

And for my sister Kath’s great take on Cronuts, click here.  LOL her first thought that “Cronuts” stood for batty old ladies, as in Crone + Nuts.