Rumpology

Well, I’ve certainly known folks whose heads are - there’s no really delicate way to say this - up their asses.

But, other than proctologists, I was not aware that there are folks who make their living putting their heads up the asses of others.

Then, somewhere along the line, I saw a mention of Jackie Stallone, of the illustrious Stallone family and mother of the illustrious Sylvester, who is a bona fide rumpologist – perhaps the foremost American practitioner.

Not familiar with rumpology?

Second cousin, once removed to phrenology (detecting who and what someone is by feeling the lumps in their head) and chirology (palm reading), rumpology is there science pseudoscience of “examining crevices, dimples, warts, moles and folds of a person’s buttocks.”

Stallone has been largely responsible for the supposed "revival" of rumpology in modern times.

Rumpologists have a variety of theories as to the meaning of different posterior characteristics. According to Stallone, the left and right buttocks reveal a person's past and future, respectively, although she has also commented that "The crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemispheres of the brain".  (Thank you, wikipedia.)

So, there is something to being half-assed. I wonder if I’m more left-assed or right-assed. And did I say the Stallones were an illustrious family, or what? First, Sly – Martin Scorsese/Robert DiNiro and Raging Bull aside – was largely responsible for the supposed revival of the boxing movie in modern times, and here his mom does the same for rumpology. (If anyone doubts this is an incredible country and/or that there’s a sucker born every day, I submit the illustrious Stallone family as a complete and utter counterproof.)

Wikipedia has more for us. Ulf Beck, a blind German rumpologist – if you’re wondering about that “blind”, rumpology can be performed by sight, touch, or review of a butt print – has something of a astrology approach to butt typing. Those with muscular bottoms are charismatic and creative. Pear-shapers are down to earth.

Sam Amos, a British rumpologist, claims that round bummers are happy go lucky; and flat-bottomers are vain, negative, and sad.

And:

Ulf Beck claims he can read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

I bet he gets even more out of the encounter, a side benefit, as it were. (Was it good for you, too, Ulfie?)

Jackie Stallone, on the other hand, foretells the future by examining the butts of her Doberman Pinschers, which is how she predicted that George W. Bush was going to be elected in 2000. (No comment.)

Fortune telling!

Here I was thinking that a dog’s asshole was something to be avoided, not learned from. I’ll have to take a closer look at my dog nephew Jack and see what I can divine.

Still working in her early nineties, Jackie is completely impressive. And, while rumpology probably doesn’t require any heavy lifting, it can’t be the easiest job on the face of the earth. Think of the presssure! What if you get it wrong, and mix the left cheek up with the right and give someone the wrong prognosis. You mean to tell them their future, and instead you tell them their past.

Jackie’s still going strong also cheers me, since it means that we may well be able to enjoy the oeuvre of Sylvester Stallone for another thirty or so years.

Jackie’s entire life seems to have been leading up to the point of achieving the acme of the rumpology world, what with one colorful career stop after another along the way.

Born in Washington, DC, Jackie was the daughter of a “prominent attorney” and his “socialite Parisian” wife, who climbed so high up the social ladder that Charles Atlas actually lived with them, teaching Jackie how not to be a 90 pound weakling.

Perhaps it was something Charles Atlas said, or the boredom of having a prominent attorney father and a Parisian socialite mother, or just living in Virginia Beach, but Jackie took off at the age of 15 to join the circus as part of the flying Wallendas.

She went on to host a daily fitness show, created a syndicated TV show on lady wrestlers, and made exercise videos with Richard Simmons.

Meanwhile, she’d always had an interest in astrology, fostered by Edgar Cayce, the noted psychic, who was a neighbor of Jackie’s family when she was growing up. I’m not sure how close they actually were to Edgar Cayce, however,seeing as on her web site, she spells his name Edgar Casey. I suspect the family was closer to Charles Atlas. But that’s just a hunch. (When I look up dog nephew Jack’s bum, I’ll put this on the list of what I’m looking for.)

To top off her many other professional accomplishments:

Jacqueline was responsible for getting astrology accepted as an accredited course in many colleges and universities in this country. (Source for this and the above bio information: jacquelinestallone.com )

Thank you, Jackie. If there’s one thing we need more of, it’s college students preparing for the global economy by taking astrology courses.

I understand that, now that you’re in your nineties, you may want to slow down just a bit, but if you could find the time and energy to get rumpology courses accredited…All I can say is that a grateful nation – and grateful parents everywhere – will thank you.

(And sorry to disappoint aspiring astrology majors, but I just googled and couldn’t actually find any college that has astrology courses for credit. Maybe I should have tried using bing….)