Cloney boy, cloney boy, won’t you be my cloney boy

There is way, way, way TMI out there, and keeping up with all the mission-critical (at least for a blogger) topics out there could easily become a full-time job in and of itself. Just not enough hours in the day.

Thus, I hope I can be forgiven that I’ve, up until now, missed out on the fact that there’s a tremendous new business emerging, one that will impact those of us who live, breathe and die by what up with the Sport of Kings.

I am writing, of course, about the cloning of polo ponies, which will take the guess work out of breeding and ensure that we the fans, not to mention fine polo-playing chaps like Charles, William, and Harry, will have continued access to the finest finest finest of mounts mounts mounts.

Anyway, thanks to the ever-wonderful Economist, I’m now in the know on polo pony cloning, and, as ever with Pink Slip, I am committed to sharing this wealth of knowledge.

In 2010 the world’s first cloned polo pony was born. The technique has since caught fire in Argentina, the global capital of professional polo. Adolfo Cambiaso, probably the world’s best player, has teamed up with Alan Meeker of Crestview Genetics, a Texan firm, to clone eight of his mounts.

Cloned ponies don’t come cheap, in a world where best of breed can run you $200 K,

A three-month-old clone of Mr Cambiaso’s Cuartetera fetched $800,000 at auction in Buenos Aires—the most expensive sale in polo history.

Just how successful the cloney ponies will be once they’re out there in the heat of a chukker remains to be seen – polo ponies don’t join the team until they’re five years old. But this will be an interesting test of whether nature really does trump nurture. But breeding, as we all know, counts. As, presumably, does cloning.

Anyway, while $800 K for a chip off the old Cuartetera block seemed pricey enough, its owner was offered a cool $2 Million for a chip off the chip off the old block.

However, Crestview – which has partnered with Cuartetera II’s owner -  doesn’t want to debase the currency.  One polo playing clone per original.

Instead they will channel some clones to competition, and sell the ovules and sperm of others to breeders. “The idea is not to have games where four Cuarteteras are playing four Cuarteteras,” insists Mr Meeker.

Other cloning factories may not share these scruples. One polo player is looking for 100 clones of his trusty steed.

In any case, business for polo pony cloners has been brisk. Crestview competitor Kheiron has a backlog, and is “booked solid” for another year and a half.

Nice to learn that some businesses – i.e., the ones that cater to those who aren’t harmed by the types of recessions that plague those poor slobs in the lower orders – are bad-economy proof.

Crestview, by the by, is somewhat circumspect about their biz.  Not much on their website. No pop-ups that scream “We Clone Ponies”. There is a mention of “state-of-the-art biotechnological reproduction processes.”  And the more marketing-oriented caption about “breathing new life into the legacy of legendary horses.”’

Kheiron is a bit more upfront about what they do. They’re all about the horse cloning, and make no bones about it.  They want to “narrow the nature vs. nurture equation” (sounds good, if you don’t try to think too hard about what narrowing and equation actually means).  And, as they point out, cloning allows the neutered “who otherwise would never have passed on his superior genetic” to become play-ahs. (Male polo ponies are typically castrati.)

Personally, if polo players want to bring a string of clones to the next game, they are welcome to do so. I’ve mallets towards none. But all this cloning kind of takes the kismet out of seeing what happens when ovules and sperm collide, even when it’s all carefully planned out by the breeder. (Yikes: it’s a redhead!)

Meanwhile, for readers who do not share my background, in which my siblings and I were out polo playing when the other kids in the neighborhood were wasting their time on Hide-and-Seek, Statue Man, and D-O-N-K-E-Y, I offer you this abstract from a nifty FAQ provided by Polo101.

• They’re ponies, not horses, because “a horse that is fifty-eight inches or less is considered a pony.” There’s no height rule in polo, but smaller = faster = better.
• Polo ponies must “love the game.”
• One reason they must “love the game” is that it’s exhausting. All that running around… Which is why most ponies don’t play an entire game, but are rested. Which means that you need more than one polo pony. Thus the Sport of Kings…
• White pants are worn because that’s the way they roll  in India, where the game was invented, and where it’s hot. Thus the white. (It goes without saying that polo gets a dispensation from the ultra-important rule that white pants may not be worn before Memorial Day and after Labor Day.)
• As I obviously know from my early polo days in Worcester, at halftime, spectators are welcome onto the playing field to stomp the divots back in. (This wasn’t always the case: groundskeepers used to do this. But, as we are well aware from having to pump our own gas and bag our own groceries, if you can get someone to do it for free, well, that price is right.)
• There are no left-handed polo players. (Just think of: “the panic you’d feel in that situation is just what a right-handed polo player feels when he and a lefty approach the ball from opposite directions.”) Fortunately, I’m a righty, so this didn’t impede me in the least.
• Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, polo is unlikely to be a widely televised sport. (Don’t go making the snide assumption that this is because no one gives a cloned pony’s arse about polo. After all, arm wrestling matches are sometimes televised…)
• The ponies might be short, but the games can run long. The record is held by a 2010 game in South Carolina in which a game involving over 50 players and 200 ponies lasted 8 hours. The team sponsored by Land Rover won. After which they no doubt went off for a fun evening waxing their Barbour jackets and sipping Pimm’s Cups. Which is what we used to do at my house after a hard-fought game.

Anyway, if any of the polo cloning outfits go public, you might want in. (You heard it here.)