Many years ago, I ran into a former colleague and his wife. Although they had grown up on another planet, I was quite fond of the two of them and was delighted to see them. When I talk about another planet, the planet I’m referring to is the one populated with well-to-do, blonde and beautiful, highly privileged WASPs. Not the lower-middle class, third generation, three-decker ethnics who were my peeps. The two of them were charmed, but also charming. Sure, I was dazzled by the gleam thrown from their perfectly straight, perfectly white, teeth. But I will admit that they were both hard-working and thoughtful. And lucky in the lottery of life.
Their story-book wedding had been profiled in The New York Times, and had been selected to be a chapter in the story-book wedding book that The Times wedding-beat writer pulled together a couple of years after their nuptials.
Although I do understand, thanks to Bob Franke, that “there’s a hole in the middle of the prettiest life,” from the outside looking in the holes in these particular pretty lives were pretty damned tiny – pinpricks, not gaping rents in the fabric.
I chatted with the two of them for a while, catching up. With a family assist, they had finished restoring their early-19th century farmhouse; their blonde and beautiful children were, well, blonde and beautiful; their dog’s tail continued to wag.
Life was good.
And, oh, yes, Serena had a new career, something that was just coming into vogue. She was hanging out her shingle as a life coach.
I took her card, wished her luck, and walked away thinking, ‘who wouldn’t want to get coached into your life?’
Please, Serena, tell me do how I can get me some blonde and beautiful husband and children; a gorgeous home; that ability to walk away from the job that resulted from an expensive (and loan-free) advanced degree?
Apparently, there are plenty of folks out there who do want to get their life coaching from Serena. She has been spectacularly successful.
And while she may not be “America’s Life Coach” trust me when I say that Serena is a biggie. (The America’s Life Coach honor, when I googled, fell to someone from Boston named Chris, whose tagline is “Be Human”, which is excellent advice if you happen to be human, and is also, thanks to it being incorporated in Chris’ tagline – advice that you get for free.)
I thought of her a couple of weeks back when I saw an article on life coaching in the very same NY Times that profiled her wedding so many years ago.
In its headline, the article posed an important question: should a life coach have a life first? I.e., can and should someone barely out of their teens be offering life advice for hire. (As opposed to someone barely out of their teens doing what everyone does, which is offering life advice to friends for free.)
There is, of course, no real answer, other than yes-no-maybe.
Which, to me, is the same answer you get when you ask yourself whether the world does, in fact, actually need life coaches to begin with. As opposed to, say, friends and family, who, imperfect as they may be, know you and love you and mostly have your best interests at heart. Plus they don’t charge anything. And as opposed to, say, psychologists and other therapists, who, imperfect as they may be, are well-trained and vetted, and equipped to objectively advise you and to recognize, and do something about, situations in which you are in roiling, perilous waters and can do something to help save you. Plus at least some of the sessions will probably be covered by insurance.
And then there are life coaches.
While there are plenty of places where life coaches can get certified, both the training and the services offered seem to be widely (and wildly) variable.
That said, there is a definition of life coaching. According to Janet Harvey, the International Coach Foundation’s incoming president, life coaches:
…are only charged with helping clients to hear themselves and to hold themselves accountable to articulated goals…
Which, unless I’m missing something, you could do on your own with an alarm clock, a checklist, and a tape recorder. (Maybe I’ll put together a kit and sell it online. Wheeeeee!)
“The cornerstone principle of coaching is you and I are already whole, resourceful, capable and creative,” said Ms. Harvey, who runs Invite Change, a Seattle-based coach training firm. “Coaching is strictly peer to peer, expert to expert.” And it is “distinct from other disciplines such as consulting, mentoring or counseling.”
Expert to expert? Huh?
Does this mean that I’m the expert in my own life, and the life coach is the expert at bringing out my expertise? Maybe I need some life coaching…
Anyway, now that I quasi get it, I suspect that, for some people, the life coach becomes their shrink – and a shrink unqualified to identify real problems. Or, sadly, a substitute for a friend. (Admittedly, your friends might find it a real pain in the ass to have to check in with you each and every day at 10 a.m. to see whether you did your sit-ups, wrote 500 words of your novel, or chose the paint color for your bedroom.)
The article mentioned a couple of young coaches: a 25 year old who charges $160/hour to provide tips on sexual performance, which, in my day, was something that was “strictly peer to peer,” with an assist from Playboy (guys) and Cosmo (gals).
And a twenty year old Brooklyn College student who provides Torah-based coaching. Her clients include:
…a 48-year-old woman who, until recently, was living in denial of the fact that she has diabetes.
“It was a very difficult breakthrough for her, she was crying,” Ms. [Chanie] Messinger, who charges from $25 to $75 an hour, recalled of a recent session with the client. “I just made her aware of more options, like maybe you can try Splenda.”
When I think about the people I’ve told about Splenda for free, well… If I had an nickel…
Anyway, I think this life coaching stuff is pretty tricky business, somewhere in the no man’s land between friend and shrink. Definitely a sign of the times, or, perhaps more accurately, a sign of the American times. Life coaching is, after all, just another instance in a long line of American self-improvement schemes: Horatio Alger books; Dale Carnegie; don’t let anyone kick sand in the face of you 98-pound weaklings; Steven Covey; chicken soup.
The essence of being an American is to want something more out of life.
Life coaching takes the off-the-shelf, read up on it or sit through the lecture, approach, and makes it one-on-one personal. Another branch of the American tree of life: individualism. It’s not just in a book that anyone can read, or a speaking engagement that anyone can listen to; life coaching is about ME, glorious ME.
Not for me, not so glorious me, but I will say, if I were going to use one, I’d just as soon not have one who’s 20 year old.
Serena’s must be in her 40’s by now, or thereabouts.
Maybe, when she’s not talking to Barbara Walters, she’s got a slot open.
About that novel…
No comments:
Post a Comment