I am a complete and utter sucker for city rankings, however bogus (not to mention inconsequential) they are. The zanier the better: bring ‘em on!
So I was deliriously, well, happy, to learn that my very own Boston was ranked fifth
happiest town in the whole USA.
What crazed survey came up with this result, I had to ask myself.
I get why Honolulu would rank #1 here, but, let’s face it, Boston ain’t no one’s idea of tropical paradise. And surely no city dominated by ethnic pillars – the dour Yankee and the sardonic Irishman – not exactly bursting with happiness; that’s populated, thanks to a all those local halls of ivy, with folks who are too smart not to be neurotic; and that suffers from a lot of crappy weather, can make it to #5. Not to mention that we have the Red Sox driving us baseball-bat-shit crazy.
What? Us happy?
Talk about counter-intuitive!
Naturally, I had to move it on over to Men’s Health to find out how this old town got to be a bridesmaid on the happy-dappy list, while sun-dappled St. Petersburg, Florida got to be the old maid: ranking dead last out of 100 cities rated.
Here’s how Boston clawed it’s way near the top:
We calculated suicide rates (CDC) and unemployment rates (Bureau of Labor Statistics, as of June 2011). Then we tapped SimplyMap for the percentage of households that use antidepressants as well as the number of people who report feeling the blues all or most of the time.
Now it starts to make some sense. Sort of.
We’ve been pretty fortunate, this recession around. Sure, there are some empty store fronts – Borders and soon, alas, Filene’s Basement – but mostly you’d never know there was a bad economy on.
As for suicide, Catholics (even ex-Catholics) may not be as likely to kill themselves as those from more enlightened backgrounds for whom suicide might seem to make some sense as a way out. No, us Catholics (even ex-Catholics) know that we’re here on earth to be miserable – what else is new? – and that killing yourself buys you nothing more than a one-way ticket to hell, which is forever. Nope, we’ll take our hell on earth, thank you, where at least it has an ending.
And there’s the Irish in us: kill ourselves and give the Red Sox the satisfaction? That’d be the day!
Anti-depressants aren’t us, either. We prefer alcohol.
And we’re just too darned pissed off most of the time (c.f., the Boston Red Sox) to have any time for the blues.
So I guess maybe we are happy. Even though you’d never know if to look at us.
We’re in interesting company in the top ten, that’s for sure:
1. Honolulu, HI A+
2. Manchester, NH A
3. Fargo, ND A
4. Omaha, NE A
5. Boston, MA A-
6. Madison, WI A-
7. Sioux Falls, SD A-
8. St. Paul, MN A-
9. Burlington, VT A
10. Plano, TX A-
New England grabs three places in the money! Four of the top twenty, when you add in Portland, ME. Although I must ask how Manchester, NH scored better than Burlington, VT or Portland, ME or Boston, MA.
And odd, isn’t it, that eight out of ten are places where it snows?Take that, sunbelt, where everyone supposedly wants to live.
The big surprise, for those of us who’ve seen the movie, has to be Fargo…As mentioned, the saddest 
city is St. Petersburg, followed by the completely understandable Detroit. Which is the only city in the north that ranks in the bottom decile, which is dominated by Florida (St. Pete, Tampa, Miami) and Nevada (Reno and Las Vegas).
Boston as happyville! Hap, hap, happedy, hap, hap!
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Here’s the entire list, in the reverse order it was published in. Absurd as it is, this is a fun read. (No wonder I’m happy.)
100. St. Petersburg, FL F
99. Detroit, MI F
98. Memphis, TN F
97. Tampa, FL F
96. Louisville, KY F
95. St. Louis, MO F
94. Birmingham, AL F
93. Miami, FL F
92. Reno, NV F
91. Las Vegas, NV F
90. Toledo, OH F
89. Bakersfield, CA F
88. Jacksonville, FL F
87. Atlanta, GA F
86. Winston-Salem, NC F
85. Sacramento, CA F
84. Cincinnati, OH D-
83. Phoenix, AZ D-
82. Orlando, FL D-
81. Washington, DC D-
80. Wilmington, DE D-
79. Greensboro, NC D-
78. Jackson, MS D-
77. Columbia, SC D
76. Newark, NJ D
75. Fresno, CA D
74. Cleveland, OH D
73. Kansas City, MO D
72. Chicago, IL D
71. Riverside, CA D
70. Albuquerque, NM D
69. Portland, OR D
68. Richmond, VA D
67. Tucson, AZ D
66. Milwaukee, WI D
65. Los Angeles, CA D+
64. Denver, CO D+
63. Colorado Springs, CO D+
62. Providence, RI D+
61. Oakland, CA D+
60. Philadelphia, PA D+
59. Nashville, TN D+
58. El Paso, TX D+
57. Charlotte, NC D+
56. Aurora, CO D+
55. Little Rock, AR D+
54. Charleston, WV D+
53. Stockton, CA C-
52. Baltimore, MD C-
51. Baton Rouge, LA C-
50. Indianapolis, IN C-
49. Houston, TX C-
48. Dallas, TX C-
47. Seattle, WA C-
46. Fort Wayne, IN C-
45. Boise City, ID C-
44. New Orleans, LA C-
43. Fort Worth, TX C-
42. Norfolk, VA C
41. Tulsa, OK C
40. Pittsburgh, PA C
39. New York, NY C
38. Bridgeport, CT C
37. Buffalo, NY C
36. Columbus, OH C
35. Corpus Christi, TX C
34. San Diego, CA C
33. San Antonio, TX C+
32. Wichita, KS C+
31. Santa Ana, CA C+
30. Cheyenne, WY C+
29. Lubbock, TX C+
28. Billings, MT C+
27. Oklahoma City, OK B-
26. Anchorage, AK B-
25. Laredo, TX B-
24. Durham, NC B-
23. Salt Lake City, UT B-
22. Lexington, KY B-
21. Raleigh, NC B-
20. San Francisco, CA B
19. Austin, TX B
18. Jersey City, NJ B
17. Des Moines, IA B
16. Portland, ME B
15. San Jose, CA B
14. Minneapolis, MN B+
13. Chesapeake, VA B+
12. Virginia Beach, VA A-
11. Lincoln, NE A-
Blues-proof towns
10. Plano, TX A-
9. Burlington, VT A-
8. St. Paul, MN A-
7. Sioux Falls, SD A-
6. Madison, WI A-
5. Boston, MA A-
4. Omaha, NE A
3. Fargo, ND A
2. Manchester, NH A
1. Honolulu, HI A+
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