Comment moderator. (Now here’s something I could do.)

Since I so don’t want to go back to waitressing, I sometimes think about what I might do next. If, at my advanced age, there is in fact a next that I get paid to do. As opposed to a likely unpaid next that entails lobbying Washington not to rescind Social Security the day I become eligible, and/or waiting around at Mass Eye and Ear for someone to show me how glaucoma eye-drops work. (Can you tell I just had a birthday? Sigh…)

So I was intrigued when I read a recent article in Business Week on paid online comment moderators.

As I find myself mentally moderating – not to mention mentally rebutting – half the comments I masochistically subject myself to reading, I think that this is a job that I might enjoy.

The article profiled Chuck Dueck, a professional online moderator who works for ICUC Moderation, a Canadian firm that monitors content and comments.

ICUC:

…is the global leader in online content and community moderation services. Our team of multi-lingual content and community specialists manage, moderate and monitor millions of social media conversations, comments, photographs and videos and work inside some of the largest online communities in the world.

Frankly, I’m a bit surprised that ICUC hails from Canada, as I would imagine that the worst sling and arrow on a Canadian site would be a Molson drinker humorously sniping at a Labatt’s quaffer. Or someone ending a comment on whether real Hudson Bay blankets have three colored stripes or four by saying, “Not that it matters. We’re all Canadians, eh?”

I know, I know.

It ain’t all tea-cozies and rose petals north of the border.

They have their contentious politics. Doesn’t Quebec still want to secede?

And God knows that anyone who watched the Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks at their own game to win last year’s Stanley Cup completely understands that young Canadians are as perfectly capable of taking part in drunken, frenzied, destructive mayhem as the next guys.

Still, I can’t imagine that Canadian commenters are as imbecilic, rude, and nasty as many of those whose comments I see on my news haunts: Huffington Post, boston.com, and – I’ll admit it – bostonherald.com . Not to mention occasional forays onto sports blogs. And these are the comments that get through!

When I find myself being agitated by the venom, silliness, mean-spiritedness, stupidity, and slime that comes across – more often than not in anonymous comments - I take a deep breath and remind myself that this provides folks with an immediate outlet for their roiling emotions. Unlike the old, takes three days, polite, must-make-sense, must-be-signed (if name not withheld on request), letters to the editor that were often thought-provoking, reasoned, and intelligent mini-essays in their own right. Yes, I do miss those staid old days. But I also acknowledge that today’s in-the-moment commenting may, in fact, let enough steam out of the old tea-kettle to prevent a few rocks being hurled through a politician’s office window, stop a few fender-benders for occurring, save a few dogs from being kicked.

I will note that comments tend to be less vile and nutty when people use their own names. Thus, The NY Times comments are generally pretty thoughtful, unlike those of, say, The New York Post.

In any case, I suspect that most of ICUC’s business is south of the border, down our way. (NAFTA, anyone?)

Dueck doesn’t just get to delete the nasties, he also:

…scolds the people behind them (either on the forum or over e-mail), and, if things really get out of hand—say, in the case of repeat offenders—bans their accounts. Over the course of each day he chips away at the cussing and swearing, the spammers, haters, and trolls, temporarily restoring civility to his corner of the Internet. (Source for quoted material here on out: back to the Business Week article linked above.)

ICUC’s work comes from a combination of corporation and news sites.

The company claims $10 million in revenue last year, cleaning up the comments on the websites, Twitter feeds, and Facebook pages of blue-chip brands such as Chevron, Starbucks, and the Boston Globe. “Some Fridays you feel like you need to spend two hours in the shower because it’s so disgusting,” says [founder Ken] Bilous.

(Aside to the ICUC moderators who work on the Boston Globe: would you mind informing some of the broken-record commenting cretins who seem to think that Massachusetts is the worst place to live in the world, that our dear commonwealth ranks consistently high in factors like health, wealth, quality of life, and education.)

ICUC is just one of several large comment moderation firms. Others cited in the article were eModeration and LiveWorld.

Moderators are largely middle-aged and well educated. Most work remotely, on flexible schedules. “Ours tend to be women over the age of 35 working from home, sometimes in addition to other jobs,” says Peter Friedman…CEO of LiveWorld.

Middle-aged. Well educated. Work remotely. Flex time.

C’est moi!

You won’t get rich as a moderator, but you could make between $40K and $80K. Sounds reasonably reasonable,

…but need to be prepared for daily exposure to humanity at its vilest. Extreme racism and bigotry, images of pedophilia, and even personal threats are all too common.

So’s burnout. Many new ICUC hires don’t even last two weeks.

To cope, moderators work on sites in short shifts, flipping between forums prone to maliciousness (news stories about Israel, say) and something more joyful (LEGO fan pages).

The article noted that sometimes the law has to get whistled in, as “when threats against President Obama appeared on a website discussing Home Improvement reruns.”

Say what?

How did jawing about Home Improvement reruns prompt someone to make a death threat? How did Barack Obama’s name even come up? Someone speculating about whether he or Michelle’s the go-to when a lamp needs re-wiring? (Actually, it’s probably Michelle’s mother. She seems like the can-do, practical type.)

Occasionally, I have to do my own little bit o’ comment moderation on Pink Slip.

The other day, a post on a fellow who sent a bad-mouthing e-mail about a Congressional Medal of Honor winner that allegedly lost the CMH holder a job, managed to attract a few comments. When you googled the name of the bad-mouther, Pink Slip came to the fore, which brought in any number of new, ad hoc readers. I had to remove a couple of slanderous comments made by someone claiming to be a former colleague and another claiming to be an ex-girlfriend. Opinions, fine: have at it. Statements of “fact” that may just as easily be “fiction,” get off my blog: if I can’t prove something with a 15-second google, the comment’s gone. But mostly comments, even when they – sniff, sniff – criticize me, get to stay.

Comment moderation outsourcing is, not surprisingly, a growth industry. Which we are all for. Except for the fact that this means that folks in India and the Philippines will be drastically undercutting the rates the North American moderators charge. And they won’t even have to pretend to be “Brian” and “Peggy”, anymore, either.

But, of course, you get what you pay for, and – at least for a while – there’ll still be plenty of room for those who understand the culture and all its wondrous nuances to provide moderating services.

Anyway, sounds like an interesting business.

Maybe even my next?

Probably not: I’d probably find it too hard not to get into debates with the jerks.