Something is rotten in the state of Nott Cott

Seriously, folks, I don’t give The Royals all that much shelf-space in my mind. Sure, I gobbled up the article in the latest Vanity Fair on Prince Andrew’s troubling relationship with some American financier who’s done time for procuring and consorting with underage girls. But I only read VF when I’m on a plane, and I didn’t buy it looking for news on Randy Andy.

Naturally, of course, I did manage to glance at all the cute pics of Kate and Wills on their recent trip to Canada and LA. (Come on, who didn’t?)

But, no, I’m not what I would consider a royal hound.

And yet, I can’t deny that I didn’t read last week’s bit in the Boston Globe that talked about how Kate and Wills’ new digs on the grounds of Kensington Palace don’t exactly pass the sniff test.

That’s Nottingham Cottage – not that I’m one of them, but that would be Nott Cott to those in the know – in the lower right, marked with the red-encircled 1.

Sorry I don’t have a clearer image, but I’m not at liberty to share the private photos that Kate sent me.

Anyway, the newlyweds are moving into the two-bedroom Nott Cott, apparently having taken a pass on the late Princess Margaret’s 19 room apartment – the one with the turquoise walls  – for the more intimate option of a standalone house. If anything on the grounds of Kensington Palace, where the non-Queen royals camp out, can truly be said to be standalone.

Unfortunately, as can happen with older houses – I’m not sure about Nott Cott, but Kensington P dates to the late 1600’s – the place smells kind of musty.

So Kate has ordered up a load of high-end air fresheners and scented candles to mask that old, nose-tickling scent o’ moldering damp.

Apparently these items weren’t on her gift registry, so she had to go ahead an place here order for a six month, $1.5K supply of:

…candles and diffusers by high-end British designer Kelly Hoppen. The products come in four scents: aromatic, woody, spicy; woody, spicy, fruity; floral, powdery; woody, citrus.

I hopped on over see what Hoppen scents are all about, and, trust me, that “four scents” doesn’t quite do things justice. Each scent has a “top note”, like bergamot or iris, a “heart note” like lavender or peach, and a “base note” like amber or myrrh.

We have certainly come a long way, baby, from the cardboard pine tree dangling from the cab’s rear view mirror and the can of Lysol

But even the most complex and noteworthy of scents, even the fact that the 4.4 kg candle burns for 400 hours, can only disguise a bad smell. It won’t get rid of it.

This I learned first hand many years back when my mother ignored a very nasty odor emanating from the trunk of her Cutlass. Which she tried to mask with some sort of deodorizer, and by driving with the windows open, even when it was 20 degrees out.

But there was definitely something fishy going on in that trunk, and one day I decided to do a bit of exploration.

I have to say that, when we started to remove the rank yech that was under the trunk mat, I thought we were pulling out dead animal remains. (And gagged in the driveway.) But we soon realized – given that there were chunks of it in the suppurating gunk - that what we had was rotting dog food, which – who knew? – contained fish meal.

Somewhere along the line, a 20 pound bag of dried dog food had ripped open, and some of the tasty morsels had made there way under the trunk mat. Where they were met with some wet caused by the imperfect seal to the trunk. Where they proceeded to rot and puff up well beyond the size of a bite-sized piece of Gravy Train.

Once we had removed all of  the unspeakable mess, the smell dissipated.

This, my dear Duchess of Cambridge, is what is call root cause analysis, and fixing the problem.

So, if you’re going to be spending a couple of years in Nott Cott, I would first off suggest getting a dehumidifier – industrial strength – and having Wills and Harry install it in what is no doubt a really creepy old basement. This won’t solve the problem, but may keep it from getting any worse.

Then I would whistle in Mike Holmes, from Holmes Inspection on HGTV.

I’ve watched plenty of Mike in action, and I can assure you that he won’t let you get away with disguising “it” with Kelly Hoppen scents with patchouli base notes.

No, Mike is more of a rip and replace kind of guy, but he’ll find your problem for you.

I think he just works in Canada, but that’s a Commonwealth Nation, and you and the hubby just paid O, Canada, such a nice visit. So he’d probably be happy to stop in with his crew. I don’t know the rules of the show, but my guess is that, if you allow your house in all its tsouris glory to be shown as an episode on HGTV, the costs are taken care of, or that you’re at least given a break.

Which would be a nice break for The Royal Purse, given how many mouths it has to feed.

Anyway, good luck with the yucky smell at Nott Cott, and remember that masking ain’t fixing.