Holy Smoke! Here’s some bullets I’d want to be dodging

I had lunch with my friend Peter yesterday, and he mentioned a recent Colbert Nation during which Stephen talked about a company that turns cremains into bullets. Now, I’ve heard of beating swords into plowshares, and spears into pruning hooks. And, of course, having grown up Catholic I got plenty of the “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” story. But turning ashes into bullets? Ah, American ingenuity.

Anyway, while I haven’t yet looked at the Colbert Report, but I was intrigued enough to saunter over to Holy Smoke to see what they had on offer.

Holy Smoke is right.

I was marginally familiar with cremation jewelry that included ornamental bullet pendants in which you could stash your loved ones cremains. But Holy Smoke offers the real deal: bullets loaded with gun powder and that little something extra called your loved one.

We offer a way to honor your deceased loved one by giving or sharing with him or her one more round of clay targets, one last bird hunt, or one last stalk hunt.

I guess because I’ve never been a skeet shooter, bird hunter, or deer stalker, I find it a bit unusual, even a trifle unsettling, that someone would want to be turned ex post facto into a bullet that could be used to take the life of another creature (or even to smash a clay pigeon to smithereens).

Not that I have any particularly noble plans for my remains: a couple of grains surreptitiously sprinkled on the warning track in Fenway Park; a teaspoon or two subtly ground in with the geraniums on my parents grave; maybe a smidge tossed into Galway Bay while the moon is rising over Claddagh. As for the rest? If there’s anyone interested in keeping them in a decorative urn, have at it – as long as the urn is tasteful. Something art deco? If you’re feeling flush, maybe a cool Clarice Cliff teapot? On second thought, what a waste of a cool Clarice Cliff teapot. Just toss my leftovers into Boston Harbor or off the banks of the River Charles while humming “(Love that) Dirty Water.”

For those who chose to have their loved ones bulleted, my question is this: if you manage to kill a duck or a deer with a blast of your dear one’s past, do you consume it? There does seem to be a tiny little ick factor going here. Wouldn’t it feel a bit cannibalistic to be supping on pheasant under glass avec Uncle Joe? Or would it be viewed as a gift from the great beyond. (Dad always was a good provider…)

Anyway, in case you’re wondering about the Holy Smoke process:

You tell us what type of hunting or shooting that the decedent practiced and we can help you decide what will best suit your needs…

Once the caliber, gauge and other ammunition parameters have been selected, we will ask you (by way of your funeral service provider) to send approximately one pound of the decedents ash to us. Upon receiving the ashes our professional and reverent staff will place a measured portion of ash into each shotshell or cartridge.

You get quite a bit of bang for your buck from that professional and reverent staff, by the way. That one pound of decedent’s ash yields 250 shotshells, which will set you back $1,250. Pistol bullets are priced the same as shot gun shells, while rifle cartridges are pricier: that $1,250 gets you only 100 rounds. (All sales are final, by the way, as they should be. There really can’t be much of a secondary market for bullets stuffed with someone else’s ashes. Sort of like the monogrammed tote-bags I used to see in the L.L. Bean outlet store. I don’t know how low the price would have to go before I’d buy a bag that had “Francine” embroidered on it in lime-green italics.)

Anyway, what I know about hunting and ammo could dance on the head of a pin with the heavenly choir. But I do believe that shotguns and rifles are used to shoot game animals.

Are pistols used to shoot game animals, too?

Or are they mostly used for target practice, convenience store stickups, and shooting rats at the dump?

None of which seem like a particularly reverent thing to do with good old Pa or Ma, even if we’re talking Ma Barker here.

And if Pa or Ma is used in a robbery, are they considered an accessory after the fact?

Ah, the ethical, aesthetic, and gustatory questions that arise when we consider when Fire when ready, Gridley gets turned into fire Gridley when ready.

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A tip of the deer stalker hat to my friend Peter for mentioning this story to me.

Followed by a thanks for nothing, since, ever since this topic came up, all I can think about is Dick Cheney.