Swag Bag 2011

By now, you probably know who this year’s Oscar winners and losers are. At least you’ll know if you care to know.

So far, I haven’t seen any of the nominated movies.

Not that I don’t like the movies. It’s just that I don’t actually go to the movies more than once or twice a year (if that). I just wait around for them to come on Pay Per View or On Demand, by which time I’ve already forgotten whether I wanted to see them or not. I do get around to seeing some of them. Eventually. Thus, I celebrated Oscar weekend by finally watching the multiply-nominated – in 2003, that is -  Lost In Translation. Which was okay. Certainly, I liked Sofia Copolla better on the other side of the camera, as the director, than I did as an actor (Godfather III). My main take-away: Never noticed before how much Bill Murray resembles my late Uncle Ted. 

While I used to go the movies all the time, even in my movie-going prime I was never a major fan of watching the Oscars. Something about the smiley-faced falsity of the whole thing, the we’re all buddies out here crap, the self-congratulatory what-ever, and the fact that it always struck me as one major collective self-ass-kiss.

How I know all this I’m not quite sure because, if memory serves, I’ve only watched it in its entirety once (when Hugh Jackman – or was it Hugh Laurie? or Hugh Grant? – hosted it a couple of years ago). I was entertained, but not enough to turn the viewing dial to whatever network it was on the following year.

Not that I don’t watch plenty-o-crap on TV, but awards ceremonies have never held a lot of appeal to me for some reason.

Nonetheless, ever since Christopher Moltisanti mugged Lauren Bacall for hers on an episode of The Sopranos, I’ve been intrigued by the notion of the swag bag, which all nominees are given, and the existence of gifting suites, where celebrities can come and collect all sorts of goodies – kind of like an upscale version of the trade show floor.

And why wouldn’t we expect that the rich and famous would want to cadge free stuff?

After all, haven’t we had it hammered into our heads often enough over the years that “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us.”

Or so US Magazine tells me. (Honestly: I only read it at the hairdressers. Now People is another story.)

So, just like us, they have an inner-child with a greedy, trembling hand poised to lunge for any handout available.

Thus,just as in my trade-show going days I’d grab pens, notepads, thumb drives, tee-shirts, caps, visors, key chains, candy, mouse pads, frisbees, glow-in-the-dark yo-yos, squeeze balls, mugs, and other paraphernalia that was being given away in the booths, celebrities graze on what’s available in the gifting suites.

And because the goodies on offer to the rich and famous are worth a bit more than a leaking logo-pen, the rich and famous probably don’t end up with all that much grabber’s remorse. (Think of all the stuff left behind in hotel rooms after a grade show – not only all the swag that’s not worth packing and schlepping, but all those brochures….)  Instead of leaking logo pens, celebrities get to nab stuff like Dell tablet computers and gold-plated iPhones. And so continues the inexorable march of the rich getting richer.

Not that trade show swag was all leaking pens, of course. I saw plenty of good stuff at trade shows over the years, mostly being raffled off. At one tech show I attended, a company was raffling off a bright orange HumVee. I didn’t win but, of course, in these types of raffles, the business cards of non-prospects do tend to find themselves glued to the sides of the fishbowl. That said, I did win a video camera in a competitor’s booth at iWorld when that was the business tech event. They clearly didn’t know the “rule” about eligibility for qualified prospects only.

Anyway, in addition to what’s available in the invitation-only gifting suites that surround the Oscars (and other awards shows), there are swag bags for the nominees, which contain:

Here is a complete list of what is in the 2011 Oscar swag bag:

• StemSational Skin Regeneration Serum
• Body Wrap Sheer Iridescent fashion-forward shapewear
• blu Cigs special edition electronic cigarettes
• Cookies by Joey
• An all-inclusive stay at the Winvian Luxury Hotel
• Full split-level Load Runner duffels
• earthpawz pet safe + toxic free cleaning products
• Total Indulgence Skin Trio by LaVigne Organic Skincare
• Nulo natural & nutritious pet food
• It’s a 10 Haircare
• Chocolatines’ Chocouture Jewelry Box
• BlacMéra couture tunics/earrings/neckties
• Kiwaii True Spring Water
• The Kim Kardashian Signature Watch Collection by The Brissmor Company
• Huntley Drive Fitness personal training packages
• MILLIANNA python cuffs
• complimentary services from The Salon by Maxime
• Dreams by Neihulé Nail Polish
• Slimware portion-control plates
• J. Holly International featuring Mon Platin Natural Dead Sea Mud Pack
• KimzHollywoodList.com Positive Only Celebrity News
• XTI Active-Shield 360 and Nano Facemask
• Leg Luxury hosiery
• sugar-free low-carb Bonita’s Mixes
• JulAir odor eliminator
• R.A.T.S. Atelier men’s apparel
• Kosanka anti-aging açai beverages
• Virgin Galactic limited edition sub-orbital space craft scale model
• Lalo Fitness, 1 month unlimited training sessions with Lalo Fuentes
• 6-month unlimited Executive Membership to Circuit Works
• Nozin nasal products
• Notebook and Persian medallion from Shokoufeh Malekkiani benefiting the United Nations World Food Programme in Iran
• A $5,000 all-inclusive week-long fitness retreat from Live In Fitness Enterprise, Barradoro VIP Luxury Lifestyle Experience
• Slimming Act body contouring cream from Dr. Jules Nabet
• A $12,000 Belize getaway at Cayo Espanto – A Private Island
• A $16,000 all-inclusive getaway to Huvafen Fushi luxury resort in the Maldives compliments of Premier Tours

Source: Gather; the blogger didn’t source this info…

Whether any celebrity actually uses what’s in the swag bag or not, just being in the annual bag is probably worth something in terms of the publicity that surrounds it. After all, I’ve now heard of Nozin nasal products, Nulo natural and nutritious pet food, and Slimware portion control plates (LOL, if not ROTFLMAO, to this one).

And if Annette Bening is actually photographed in a BlacMéra couture tunic, well, all the better.

I say Annette Bening here because, while she’s not all that old, she’s the only Best Actress nominee north of 50, and I can’t see Natalie Portman or Michelle Williams wearing something called a tunic. Now if Bea Arthur were around to be nominated, or Annette’s sister-in-law, Shirley Maclaine, we might be talking. (I suppose James Franco could find a use for it.)

Interesting, isn’t it, how many of the swag items are vanity related: shapeware, regeneration serum, mudpack, body contouring cream, anti-aging beverage. Then there’s the one month unlimited fitness work with Lalo Fuentes.

Anyway, body contouring cream and tunics aside, I can’t see anyone nominated for anything wearing a Kim Kardashian inspired watch.

I suspect that today, all over Hollywood, personal assistants, maids, nannies and gardeners are wondering what to do with python cuffs and Persian medallions.

Or asking themselves whether it’s okay to light up a blu Cigs electronic cigarette while on the property. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!