It slices, it dices: coming soon to 'as seen on TV'

Just in time for the holidays, when everybody and her brother are looking for Yankee swap ideas, The New York Times had an article the other day on TeleBrands - 'Creator of the famous "As Seen
On TV" logo', and the outfit that has brought us the PedEgg (rid your peds of that unsightly rough skin), Doggy Steps (help your critters get on and off the furniture, which is just where you want them, no?), and the Bottle Top ("turn your drink can into a bottle", since it's so darned hard to drink out of a can....)

To tell you the truth, having wended my way over to the TeleBrands site, I was a little disappointed that the home of the Infomercial King didn't have more stuff on it: No Dog Snuggies, no OxiClean... They must live elsewhere.

But maybe they live elsewhere because they're not in TeleBrands wheelhouse. On TB's FAQ, we're told that:

Each of the company’s products is designed to save consumers time and money by providing affordable, convenient solutions to everyday challenges.

After all, the Snuggie - pet or human version - doesn't actually save consumers time and money, although apparently for at least some of the millions who ordered them, putting on a bathrobe or a sweater when they want to stay warm while reading, knitting, watching TV, or chatting on the phone is an everyday challenge.

I must say, I have been tempted by the PedEgg (which has sold 30 million units in under 3 years) - or would I go for Heel-Tastic, which is a cream -  but I actually have a pumice stone that works quite well. (Who'd have thunk that dry, cracked heels are one of the major problems that we, as a nation, face today. Go forth, Americans. Pioneer, o pioneers. Rid yourselves of yucky, peeling heels that snag your stockings.)

But the article in The Times wasn't about current stuff As Seen on TV, but about inventors who flock to TeleBrands New Jersey headquarters to pitch their concepts.

The most recent crew trying to attract the interest of the TeleBrands evaluators included:

...the Texas cop who pushed in a lawn mower to show off his patented mower caddy shelf; the smooth-talking guy from Los Angeles demonstrating his Find-It beeping keychain; the woman demonstrating her self-adhering wrapping paper; the man behind the all new EZ-Stack party dish. And hey, have you ever needed the Gutter Gremlin drainpipe screen?

Hmmm?  Aren't there already mower caddy shelves, a necessity now that people don't have the time or the large family crew of kids who can follow behind dad with the mower, raking up the grass clippings. And the beeping keychain? Aren't there variants on a theme out there already?

I don't have drainpipes, but the Gutter Gremlin sounds like it might be worthwhile for those with drainpipes, living in places where there's rain, wind, and leaves.

One of the inventors pitched a tie rack - yawn!

I'm pretty sure that most of the folks watching, and buying based on, infomercials aren't wearing ties to work. Just saying.

Another inventor was also onto the rack theme. He/she pitched the Hanky Tanky Hanger, a tie rack for tank tops. "No More Folding!"

Ah, yes, no more folding. That'll save you a cool 2-5 minutes per annum, depending on how many tank tops you own.

Thousands of hopefuls vie for the TeleBrand "As Seen on TV" imprimatur; about five are accepted.

Among the possibilities?

That EZ Stack party snack organizer, a:

"... so-so product, [Mr. Khubani] concluded...'but it could demo very well on TV and that could cause me to want to buy it.'”

And -  remember, you heard it hear first (or second, if you read The Times) -

Next, two teddy bears bounded in — no, it was two women wearing their product: a terry cloth jumpsuit for after-showering. This hit a nerve with Mr. Khubani, who is still stinging from passing up the Snuggie robe, which caught another marketer’s eye and sold millions. He assured these jumpsuit gals they’d hear from him.

So, next year we may be seeing endless ads for these terry cloth jump suits, which seem to me to be nothing more than a variation on the theme of the terry cloth robe, which I don after every shower.

But who knows?

A snappy name, a compelling infomercial, this just might be next year's Snuggie.

It may not slice, it may not dice, and no one may actually wear one in real life, but the Snuggie folks sure have sold a ton of them.