Real Amish Fireplace Mantles: Take Two, They're Small

Pages 2-3 of a Metro I picked up last week were devoted to a spread ad - one with a decided "advertorial" look to it - on how to get two free Heat Surge miracle heaters. The two free miracle heaters are thrown in for free -  now that's what I call country-nice - when you order two "real Amish fireplace mantles". The oak ones are only $298 per; the swank cherry deluxe version run for $338. If you want to build your own darned mantle, you can get the miracle heater for $249.

But who wouldn't rather get it for free by springing for "a beautifully hand-rubbed, stained and varnished" mantle?

The ad includes a picture of a bunch of Amish folks, in a rough hewn - presumably Amish - barn, working away at the mantles, beautifully hand-rubbing, etc. And I guess they like to work on them when they're plugged in - who knew that there was electricity in an Amish barn? - because the ones the folks are hand-rubbing (which, by the way, are made of real wood) - are glowing. That in itself gives me a glow.

And it all looks so festive. If I squint, the Amish hand-rubbers actually look like Santa's elves, even though they're wearing subdued clothing, rather than red and green pixie outfits. And their beards aren't exactly Santa-length. But still, there is a Christmas aura to the picture.

As there should be, given that, according to Timothy Milton, National Shipping Director for the Amish-encased Heat Surge miracle heaters, "Amish craftsmen are working their fingers to the bone to be sure everyone gets their delivery in time for Christmas."

I can't wait to get mine, and hang those stockings with care by the Heat Surge Roll-n-Glow Fireplace. Naturally, I'll order my limit of two: one to roll around upstairs; one to roll around downstairs. Or maybe I'll try to sneak in an extra order, using my husband's name, so we can have four of them - less rolling and more glowing! (Ah, the wisdom of keeping my very own last name!)

And those hand-rubbed mantles.

You just can't find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores.

So true!

This makes the oak mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight dollars since the entire cost of the miracle heater is free.

But you have to beat the 48 hour deadline - which, gosh-darn the luck, may already have passed for you (although I'm pretty good at guessing and I'm guessing that my special claim code of FP5639 just still might work).

And because of the staggering demand - "even people in California and Florida are flocking to get them" - you're asked to stagger your calls by zone.  The map is pretty straightforward, and pretty old-timey in a comforting way: there's no Alaska and no Hawaii. (What would Sarah and Barack say about their states gone missing?)

Moving from top to bottom, most of the country is in Frigid Zone 1. (We Frigid-Zoners are fortunate enough to be able to start ordering at 8 a.m. - time zone not specified; any old 8 a.m. will do.) Cold Zone 2 residents - i.e., those who live in California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina - can start dialing away at 8:30. Those in the states south of that belt (Frost Zone 3) can get their glow on at 9 a.m.

Or, if you're the new fangled sort, you can hop on www.amishfireplaces.com.

That's probably how the Amish couple, pictured driving away with a couple of the mantles ,cum free fireplace, bungee-corded onto the back of their buggy, got theirs.

Home Makeover Expert Josette Holland tells us that these fireplaces "are the latest home decorating sensation." No surprise there, given that it's well known that the Amish are way-into the latest home decorating sensations. (Oh, wait a sec, that's the Shakers.)

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"Amish craftsmen are straining to keep up with the demands," but, heck, they're used to hard work.

Timothy Milton assures us that, with the Heat Surge Roll-n-Glow:

You'll instantly feel bone soothing heat in any room. You will never have to be cold again.

And, golly, Mr. Milton, I want my bones soothed! When they're not soothed, I feel strange things in them. Things that are mean spirited, and down right cold hearted. Judgmental things. Cut throat business things.

Things like the true "value" of the beautifully hand-rubbed mantle may be something more along the lines of the delta between what you'd pay for the mantles with the heater thrown in, and what you'd pay for the heater alone.

The works out to $298 - 249, or $49 for the oak mantle.

That sounds about right, doesn't it?

But that's, I guess, because I'm just a cold, calculating, un-bone-soothed beee-atch living in the Frigid Zone.