Strap-hanging on Skybus

There's a new airline coming to Boston.

Well, it's not exactly coming to Boston-Boston.

It's coming to Portsmouth, NH, actually, which - if it's not exactly Boston-Boston, it is Boston in the sense that it's only about 50 miles away. Which is close enough to drive up for lunch on a Saturday (and has fun shopping and touristy stuff.) And people in New Hampshire do root for the Red Sox.

So, I can see why Skybus might call Portsmouth, NH, Boston.

Presumably, there are more people who want to fly from Boston to Columbus, Ohio than from Portsmouth to Columbus, Ohio.

Although at the introductory fare they're offering - $10 one-way, weekday, if I've got it straight - means that pretty much everybody in Portsmouth can afford to make the trip. Heck, at that price, the people in Portsmouth almost can't afford to stay home.

I find the notion of the rock-bottom airlines very intriguing.

I know that they cram in more seats, and cut down on anything that even vaguely approaches the idea of "frill".

But, still, $10 to fly from Boston/Portsmouth to Columbus?

Maybe they're trying to get us hooked on the trip.

But I've been to Columbus and, while it's a pleasant enough city, unless you're an Ohio State Buckeye, part of the state government, or trying to sell something to Nationwide Insurance, I don't think there's all that much that would woo you there on a steady basis.

I'll take their word that they've learned from the finest - Southwest Airlines and Ireland's own Ryanair - how to squeeze costs out of the system by automating everything in sight (although they still have pilots who do the flying - or at least watch the instrument panel) and "flying in and out of less congested airports."

That would be Portsmouth. And Columbus.

Which I'm guessing are less congested because fewer people live, work, and care to go there.

Then there are the Skybus Rules of Flying (which is, I'll give them props here, quite wittily and engagingly written) :

1. Don’t pay for everyone else’s baggage.

But you do pay $5 per checked bag (limit of two at that price), so I hope they're really policing what people carry on. (No, that steamer trunk will not fit in the overhead bin.)

2. Hungry? Thirsty? Bring cash.

Okay, unless we're stranded on the tarmac for 10 or 12 hours (which is so February 2007), ain't no one going to starve to death on the two hour flight from Boston/Portsmouth to Columbus. And if they want to charge for grub, well, fine.  But there's an ominous point made here:

Oh, and don’t sneak food onboard unless you brought enough for the whole plane.

Do they have special carry-on checks to make sure that you haven't stashed a bag of M&M's or a snack bar in there? What about someone who's willing to sneak their Au Bon Pain sandwich into the fetid little toilet and eat it there. Will there be food detectors that go off?

Personally, I wouldn't mind if airlines banned people bringing sloppy, smelly, drippy food onboard, since they always seem to be sitting next to me. But a discreetly munched Caprese sandwich and small bad of Cape Codder chips from Au Bon Pain?

Again, just how are they going to police this one?

3. Bring a book.

Duh? Is there anyone who doesn't get on a plane with at least two 600 page books and the latest copy of Vanity Fair? One thing I've learned flying over the years is that 80% of the time I'm going to hate the in-flight movie. So, fine and dandy that there's no in-flight entertainment.

4. Don’t call us.

We don't have a phone number...those phone banks are expensive.

Well, this might preclude some people - like the elderly and the blind - from flying Skybus, but I'm guessing they wouldn't want them, anyway, since they might actually need some help getting on and off. And I'm guessing that if something terrible and unforeseen happens, there'll be people needing people and pretty po'd that there's no phone number, but I can see why they might not want people calling.

5. Don’t be late. We won’t be.

6. Don’t expect an army of gate agents.

Self-serve kiosks. Again, not a bad idea, but I can see some people - blind, elderly - having a bit of a problem with this. (I know that in the last few years of my mother's life - she died at 81, and was extremely with-it; at the time of her death she had 2 major plane trips planned - one of her kids would typically accompany her to the airports, since they were getting a bit overwhelming and chaotic for her to navigate on her own. Maybe Skybus is counting on that for elderly or handicapped travelers. That or the kindness of strangers.)

7. Yeah, we’ve got preferred seats. Sort of.

There are no fancy reclining beds onboard, but you can pay 10 bucks extra to board our brand-new A319 airplanes before anyone else.

No fancy reclining beds? I actually wish that airlines would do away with their unfancy reclining seats, since I invariably sit in back of some guy who immediately throws his seat back and I spend the trip with his head in my lap.

8. Tickets are nonrefundable.

9. Bigger is not better.

Big airports can be a big pain. We choose less crowded and more convenient secondary airports for better punctuality and, of course, lower prices.

I get the "less crowded", but "more convenient". I have news for Skybus. For someone who lives in Boston, Logan Airport is actually more convenient than Portsmouth, NH. 

10. No spontaneous dancing in the aisle.

I'm guessing part of that is because there probably isn't all that much space in those aisles.

I know that while low-cost airlines are - by definition - low-cost, they can't in the long run be no cost. (I have friends in Ireland who fly all over the place on Ryanair, since it is so cheap to just up and go pretty much anywhere in Europe for cheap. But if you want to plan well-ahead and count on a trip, Ryanair's prices, while moderate, are not all that low. The bargains are for the spontaneous, seats-are-empty-why-not-sell-them trips that people can take advantage of.)

Anyway, just for the hell of it, I tried doing the math on how Skybus can afford to run a flight from Boston/Portsmouth to Columbus for $10 a head (assuming they make no marginal money off me or anyone else for sandwich buying, baggage-checking, blanket-buying, or early-boarding privilege).

Skybus says that their planes have 150-plus seats. Say, they take that plane and somehow manage to plus it up by 10%. (Leg room is overrated, after all, as long as you're not taller than 5'9''.)

At full capacity, that's a whopping $1650.

Now, I don't know what kind of gas mileage their planes get, but I read somewhere that a 747 burns five gallons per mile. Well, Skybus planes are smaller than that, so let's just say they burn one gallon per mile. Even allowing no extra oomph for take-off, that's roughly 650 gallons of jet fuel to get you from Boston/Portsmouth to Columbus. At $2 a gallon per jet fuel, that's $1300.

Let's no worry any about sunk costs (like equipment). Let's just focus on other marginal costs. Well, after they spend $1300 on fuel, they've got a cool $350 to pay the pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants. (I'm assuming they need at least two per flight to make sure that no one sneaks on with an Au Bon Pain sandwich or tries to dance in the aisles.)

Well...we know where this is heading.

Obviously, with all their efficiencies, they'll be able to offer lower fares.

But it's all about the trade-offs.

Me, I'm willing to forego the plastic airline meal and the seedy blanket, but not the convenience of being able to easily get to the airport.  Who wants to fly back from Columbus to Boston/Portsmouth and face a long drive back to Boston/Boston?

And what about comfort?

I'm guessing they don't call it Skybus for nothing.

At any rate, it will be interesting to see how Skybus fares when they blow into town - or thereabouts - in late May.