Hot footing it into court

Many long years ago, I was walking down a dirt road near the beach. Just before we hit the sand, there was a chain fence across the road the keep cars from getting on the beach. I’d say the fence was about 12 inches high, so I figured I could hop over it pretty easily. Well, that turned out to be not the case, and I ended up falling and fracturing my elbow.

Come to think of it, I should have sued.

When I was waitressing at Durgin Park – where I was, by the way, working when I fractured that elbow - I was walking out of the kitchen one day carrying six cups of scalding hot coffee. Four in one hand – balanced two-on-two on top of each other, and two in he other hand (singletons). Well, didn’t one of the old battle-axe waitresses, Flo as I recall, come barreling into the kitchen the wrong way, leaving me with whatever-degree burns on my wrists that made things really, really painful for a couple of weeks.

Come to think of it, I should have sued Durgin Park. Or Flo. Or both.

One time, when I was on a job interview, the guy interviewing me told a truly disgusting story, which he thought was pretty amusing, but that someone in the interviewee seat just might have interpreted as an invitation to the metaphorical casting room couch. Not that I wanted the job to begin with – certainly not enough to get into anything with this creep – but it was for a really big company that everyone in the world has heard of.

Come to think of it, I should have sued the bastards.

At the now defunct O Henry’s in New York, I once opened a bottle of ketchup, only to have it explode all over me.

Come to think of it, I should have sued (or at least asked for the cost of replacing that bright yellow sweater that was a terrible color on me to begin with, but I liked because it was a hand-me-up from my younger sister Trish).

About ten years ago, I slipped on the icy front steps of our condo building, and ended up with an extremely painful bout of sciatica.

Sure, it would have kind of been like suing myself, at least in 15.34% part, but, come to think of it, I should have sued.

And, sure, it was niece Molly that got hit in the head with the flying puck last year at a BC-Merrimack game, but it could have been me. And, even though she was making jokes about it even before the EMT got an ice pack on it, it was pretty traumatizing all round.

Come to think of it, both Molly and I should have sued. (What was I thinking, just sending BC an e-mail, scrounging around for a little something for Mols? Okay, they came through with an autographed team poster, which turned out to be something, given that BC won last year’s NCAA Hockey Championship, but they could have at least sent her a sweatshirt. Maybe we should still sue…)

Oh, I’ve had plenty of other opportunities to cash in, if I were the clear-thinking litigious type.

Like local hero Norman Pelletier, who’s suing a marina for $15K in damages because he “burned the soles of his feet while walking barefoot on a metal ramp at a Danvers marina” last June, requiring medical attention.

Well, attention  - medical or not – must be paid.

Pelletier’s lawyer alleges the yacht club’s management was negligent because it didn’t warn visitors the ramp might be hot, and failed to provide a ‘‘reasonably safe’’ environment.

He says the ramp gets up to 120 degrees in the sun.

Marina officials say they have never had any complaints about the ramp. (Source: Boston.com)

Oh, some may poke fun at Stormin’ Norman for not knowing that, if you walk barefoot on a metal ramp on a sunny day in summer where there’s glare off the water and everything, you could burn the soles of your feet.

But I salute him.

On behalf of every kid who’s ever put his tongue on a light pole in the middle of winter.

On behalf of every jay-walker.

On behalf of every skater-on-thin ice.

On behalf of everyone who ever patted a strange dog without letting him do a sniff-test first.

On behalf of every red-light-runner on a bicycle.

On behalf of every beachgoer who ever stepped on a raggedy-edged shell.

On behalf of every entrant in a chug-a-lug or hot dog eating contest.

On behalf of everyone who ever snuck through the gap in the fence to take the short cut over the tracks.

On behalf of every camper who drank pond water without boiling it.

On behalf of every human being on Planet Earth who has ever done something a bit studip, I salute you.

I hope that the Danvers Marina shapes up.

Forget about just posting a sign. I think they need to hire someone to keep a hose on the ramp all summer, to cool the metal down. I think they need to provide free flip-flops to anyone who wants them – better yet, free Sperry Topsiders. I think they should offer optional piggybacks to get yachtsmen down to their boats.

As for all those opportunities when I foolishly neglected to call my lawyer, I wonder if the statute of limitations has run out.

If not, see you in court.